simulation of Slapsies called Operation Slaps, which allows you to play slapsies virtually against a friend or against a computer opponent. In this online game you can decide to be one of five different characters, ranging from Lieutenant Lindequest (a cold and cruel female, Russian, Ground Force operative) to Sergeant Shaw (a well-hard marine from Guantánamo Bay). The action is accompanied by realistic slapping sounds, brooding atmospheric music and, of course, a pain meter.
Slapheads
The dull-witted game of Slapheads is like the human equivalent of the summerfair game of Bash the Rat (when a ‘rat’ is dropped through a drainpipe and the player has to hit it with a baseball bat as it emerges).
In Slapheads, one person stands and hold their hands—palms facing inwards—shoulder-width apart. From a standing start the second player must now quickly move their head down between their opponent’s hands and avoid being slapped. Whether it’s through fear of reprisals or slowness of reactions, the slaphead often wins and the slappee is left slapping thin air.
During play the players should wear some sort of safety helmet. Encouraging people to play old-fashioned games to help in the fight against obesity is all well and good, but it should not be at the expense of a perforated eardrum.
Thumb Wrestling
Man’s opposable thumbs were a giant evolutionary leap that enabled him to use a great many tools and separated him out from the lower animals. For example, in the twentieth century it was impossible to be a successful hitchhiker without one, and in more recent times mobile phone texting is infinitely harder if you don’t use your thumb. But it is in the arena of wrestling where the thumb really comes into its own.
Thumb Wrestling, or Thumb Wars, is the easiest and least violent of all the hand games listed in this book. To play, you simply clasp your opponent’s fingers and raise your thumb. Most games start with the now legendary chant: ‘1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb war.’ The game can now begin or, if you want to increase the tension further, you can chant: ‘5, 6, 7, 8, try to keep your thumb straight.’
Each player then tries to force their opponent’s thumb down, and keep it down for a count of three. This is often a lot harder than it first appears, and a well-balanced match can last a long time and be quite tiring, especially if you have not trained your thumb up beforehand.
As you become more involved in the world of Thumb Wrestling, as well as training up your thumb muscles you may want to start dressing up your thumb—maybe as a well-known, real-life wrestler? A few strands of yellow wool glued to the back of your thumb nail and you have a Hulk Hogan. Or use some felt-tip pens to draw a Union Jack leotard on your knuckle and you’ll have a pretty convincing Big Daddy.
Toe Wrestling
Toe Wrestling, a uniquely British take on arm wrestling, was invented in the 1970s in Ye Olde Royal Oak Inn, Staffordshire, and this is where the World Championships of this sport take place every year. Rumour and legend have it that it was invented primarily as a game at which Britain could be successful on the world stage. However, application for Olympic status was denied as the Olympic Committee couldn’t decide whether it was a winter or summer game.
Whether or not any of the above is true, what can’t be denied is that Toe
Wrestling is an exhilarating, strenuous sport and probably the most interesting way to catch athlete’s foot in a competitive environment.
To play, competitors sit on the floor with their barefooted right leg extended towards their opponent. Heels are placed together and big toes locked ready for battle. As in its less exotic brother, Arm Wrestling, each player tries to force his opponent’s foot down onto the ground using the most expedient method possible.
Each match consists of three ends; the first player to win two of these wins the contest.
If you want to avoid the chance of catching some pedopathic disease, you can always play the more pedestrian version of the game, Slipper Wrestling. Here, the same basic position is used except each competitor wears their slippers and the aim is to remove your opponent’s footwear before they remove yours by the means of foot pressure, wriggling, and manipulation only. The smoking of a pipe whilst playing is optional.
Up Jenkins
Up Jenkins is an odd parlour game that deserves to be more widely known. What could be better than a game involving psychology, deception and violence, and all played around the dining-room table?
For two teams of three or more players each, one team sits down on one side of the table and is given a coin; the opposing team sits facing them on the other side. Team one now place their hands underneath the table and pass the coin between themselves until the leader of the opposing team shouts out, ‘Up Jenkins’. Each player must simultaneously bring both their hands up with fists closed, and on the command of ‘Down Jenkins’ they must slam their hands, palms down, onto the table.
It is now the job of team two to start asking for hands to be turned over, with the aim of leaving the hand hiding the coin until last. If they are successful it is their turn with the coin next, if they fail they have to be the guessing team again. For variation, the guessing team can add the commands ‘Crawl’, where hiding players must crawl their hands forwards on the top of the table whilst trying to keep the coin hidden; and ‘Fist’, where they must form their hands into a fist. However, each of these can be requested only once in the game.
To play an extreme version, let the team member hiding the coin have a free slap of the opposing leader’s hands if they guess incorrectly.
Now is the time to throw away your consoles and play odd games instead—in the privacy of your own home, of course. The games described here vary from ones that need just your own body and home environment to golf with citrus fruit and to the almost forgotten, but hopefully soon to be rediscovered, dangerous parlour game of Snapdragons.
Big Brother
If someone says to you, ‘Let’s play Big Brother’, you will probably imagine a game that involves sitting around on sofas in a minimalist house, arguing over shopping lists and bitching about other players not being true to themselves. Or, if you are older, you may imagine a game involving a perspex helmet, a very hungry rat and lots of screaming.
Fortunately, this Big Brother is neither of these, just a great indoors game for two players. Each is given a rolled-up newspaper and then blindfolded. Players then
spin themselves around a set number of times to disorientate themselves but not make themselves too dizzy. Then they get down on their hands and knees.
Player one then shouts out, ‘Are you there Big Brother?’. To this, player two must make the reply ‘Yes’. Now player one can lash out with their rolled-up newspaper, their aim to make contact with the opponent. If they do, they immediately get another go until they miss. If they miss, it is the other player’s turn. Once a player has responded, ‘Yes’, they are allowed to move or scuttle away as best they can, but they must
