phone, though harder to get away with.)
Remember not to shut the door completely – that dinging sound is a giveaway.
THE TOP FIVE ITEMS REGULARLY MICROWAVED IN THE NAME OF ENTERTAINMENT
First the microwave cooker brought us the TV dinner, then it made it possible for generations of boys to blow up ping-pong balls and experiment on M&Ms. Now the two have converged to such a degree that there are people sitting down with a ready meal to watch a cable channel devoted to putting everyday objects inside a microwave.*
| 1. Ping-Pong ball | the original and the best |
| 2. Soap | a volcano of lather solidifying into a surreal sculpture |
| 3. CDs | a circular light storm |
| 4. Light bulb/strip-light tube | and there was light… then a bang |
| 5. M&Ms/marshmallows/grapes | gooey pyrotechnics |
CALLING ALL MICROWAVES
If I said that you can cook popcorn with the signal from your mobile phone would you believe me? Not strong enough? Then how about with ten mobile phones? If the idea seems to make sense it’s because of an in-built assumption that follows from the knowledge that mobiles communicate using microwaves. The very word conjures up images of piping hot ready meals, doors that go ping and a lot of 1970s science about cooking from the inside. But today’s communication microwaves (the ones that allow you to share ringtones with your Facebook friends in Kuala Lumpur) aren’t the same as the microwaves in the cooker (the ones that heat a lasagne in one minute). You can’t cook with mobile phones any more than you can phone someone via the defrost setting.
The microwave cooker was invented by US radar engineer Percy Spencer after he realised that his bar of chocolate had been mysteriously melted in the lab. He decided to experiment and went out and bought some popcorn kernels. As they popped all over his workbench Percy had his eureka moment and snacked on the first ever microwave popcorn. That was 1945, and popcorn is still the world’s favourite microwave food. I’ve always wondered how he knew.
Handy places to find microwave ovens are:
service stations
train buffet cars
professional kitchens
local authority tips – salvage one as a phone screen to install at home
MICROWAVE SAFETY TEST WITH A MOBILE
Turn what you’ve learned on its head for a quick and easy safety test for your old microwave. You’ll want to run this check every day – if only to show off how clever you are.
You need a mobile phone, a microwave and another phone (landline will do fine). Check your mobile has a signal, place it in the oven, shut the door and call it up. You should find you go straight to answer machine, because the microwaves can’t reach the phone. If it rings it means the microwaves can get in and that means you’ve got problems, because if the waves can get in, they can get out as well. Watch out for your eyes. It stings when they start to cook.
THE FREEZER FIGHTS BACK
HOW TO FIX YOUR HARD DISK AMONG THE FROZEN PEAS
Compared with the microwave the fridge and the freezer are the old timers in your kitchen, still running on technology barely changed since the 1940s. Of all your white goods this pair are the oldies, humming quietly to themselves, barely noticed. So it’s especially pleasing to be able to help them get one over on new technology.
‘The click of death’ is the name sci-fi-obsessed tekkies give the sound a computer’s hard disk makes when it can’t retrieve any data, and it usually means that it’s time to panic. On hearing it, your palms go clammy, the blood drains from your head and, when people ask ‘Did you save it anywhere else?’, you have to fight the temptation to scream. In all cases of panic, the advice is always do something, anything; make a cup of tea, dig a hole, bake some bread. Well, I’d suggest what you do is put your hard drive in the freezer; it will keep you busy and it could just help.
Fridges and freezers are sealed by a magnetic strip running around the inside of the door. That’s why you need to give it that extra little tug when you open it. Have a look – it’s obvious when you know it’s there. You can use it to slip little notes underneath for the next person to open the fridge, or to magnetise a pin and make a homemade compass. And when it comes to sorting the recycling it’s a handy helper for telling aluminium cans from steel. Aluminium won’t stick to the magnet, but steel will.
WARNING! This is a last resort that may not work. I offer it to you in the knowledge that it’s helped many people before, and that right now you’ll try anything.
ANOTHER WARNING!! This can get quite technical, but the urban bushman isn’t one to shirk the challenge of reading an instruction manual or downloading a help page or two.
Day one
Remove your hard drive (if you don’t know how, you’ll find instructions easily enough on the web. Look for them before you start pulling your computer apart).
If you can, fit a USB connector into the drive (unless you’re an IT champion you’ll need help…which means more web surfing). This just helps you to hook up your drive very quickly, but it’s not essential.
Vacuum seal it in a ‘zip-lock’-type bag as best you can.
Leave it in the freezer for a few days (this isn’t a precise science, some people find a few hours is long enough).
A few days later
When the big day comes, be prepared to retrieve as much of the data as you can very quickly (freezing is only ever a temporary fix).
Take your drive out of the freezer. If you wired up a USB connector into the computer, plug it straight in. Otherwise reinstall in the usual way. Use an ice-pack or freezer block to keep it cool.
Start to search for the drive and open the media. Muttering ‘C’mon, c’mon’ usually helps here too.
If the click of death is replaced by the ping of hope don’t start to celebrate until you’ve transferred everything to another disk. Start with the most essential stuff first.
All copied? Now you can celebrate!
How
