had believed she could take the fun from the encounter and not get stung by the aftermath.
She’d been wrong.
She knew now she’d never really got over him, had never really moved on. Who had she been close to since? Liz? A couple of other girlfriends? No man had moved her in the way he had. And she had no one to blame but herself. She’d flouted her no-second-time rule at her peril, and there was nothing to do now except get on with things.
She should never have broken that rule, but at least she’d pulled things around before they went any further. A clean break, that was the best policy. Because if it hurt now, how much worse would it be if she’d let it go further? She dreaded to think, because it felt pretty damn crushing now thank you very much.
****
A tiny, skinny cliff road covered with sheet ice; he must be totally nuts.
Tom Henley shifted gear down yet again and concentrated hard on seeing further ahead than the ten or so feet the coastal fog and his dipped headlights allowed. No time for reckless driving now. He hadn’t spent Christmas rejigging his responsibilities and making sacrifices only to zip off the edge of a cliff before he could even find her. And of course the biggest hurdle still lay ahead. Her stubbornness scared him far more than a bit of sea-fog and ice.
The road began to descend and as he drove through the town centre, heading for the seafront, the mist thinning enough for him to pick out the coloured Christmas lights on houses lining the harbour.
Knowing the name of the town was one thing of course, finding the bloody restaurant was another, but of course he was helped by the fact her grandmother had lived here. Local people would know Ella, might be able to point him in the right direction. He struck lucky in the fourth pub, where the landlord knew Ella. From there it was just a short walk. The air was crystal clear and he could taste the salt in it as he walked.
The Harbour Hotel had steamy windows and a low-beamed rustic bar that ran the length of the building, mismatched furniture and a live band playing loud jaunty music. With it being New Years Eve, the bar was packed to the rafters and you couldn’t have shoehorned in another reveller if you’d tried. He shouldered his way to the bar and ordered a beer.
Minutes ticked by, enough for him to wonder if he’d got the right place after all, and then suddenly there she was. Black skinny trousers, white shirt, tray of drinks held at shoulder height and a look of disbelief on her face.
‘Happy New Year,’ he said.
****
With her tray of drinks delivered, she nodded her head toward the outer lobby of the hotel, where it was possible to actually hear yourself think.
‘It hasn’t been five years,’ she said, turning around and looking up at him, eyes wide.
‘I know,’ he said, drinking her in with his eyes. ‘It’s been ten days.’ She looked tired. For Pete’s sake, she’d probably worked all the hours she could over the festive season and she was clearly run off her feet. Her way of avoiding the fact that she was celebrating Christmas and New Year all on her own. He felt the desperate urge to take her away from that grind, look after her, give her some of the support she lacked.
‘Long enough for me to know I don’t want it ever to be any longer than that,’ he said. ‘Long enough for me to check on my father and talk to both my parents.’
‘About?’
‘My life, what I want from it. A way of maybe achieving that without letting them down.’ He shrugged. ‘A compromise.’
‘And?’
He looked away briefly, she saw the guilt flash across his face.
‘My father was disappointed. Of course he was, I always knew he would be. He was pretty low on the first day but I think he’s coming round to it now. He told me it did worry him, me taking on all that responsibility so young – he didn’t join the practice himself until he was nearly forty. He’d spent time as an army doctor, you see. In a way, he knew exactly where I was coming from all along. If I’d only confided in him earlier instead of keeping quiet for fear of upsetting him, things could have been very different.’
‘So what about joining the practice? I thought you were going to take over in the New Year. That’s tomorrow.’
‘I’ll still need to take a background role in the management. We’ll take on an extra partner and I’ll take some blocks of time out to do some charity trips.’ He shrugged. ‘It’ll take some time to organise but I’ll get there.’ He held her gaze steadily with his own. ‘So then there’s just you and me to sort out.’
Her heart was pounding in her chest as he took her hand.
‘I want us to be together, Ella. Yes, I’ll be away on the occasional trip, but I’ll be based here. You can build up your business, we can move forward and have a future together.’ He paused. ‘Unless I’m not really what you want. If you still want to walk away, say so now and I’ll leave you in peace. Your obsession with the perfect night, the perfect fling, your determination never to revisit the past. How can you ever expect to make something work in the long-term if you can’t face seeing how it will work outside that bubble? We’re strong enough for that, Ella, I really think we are, but we won’t know until we try.’
‘Did you really think I walked away either time because of some shortfall of yours?’ She couldn’t keep back a mirthless laugh. ‘For Pete’s sake, could you be any more perfect? You were a doctor, you had the world at your feet, a close family who loved you and a fabulous supportive upbringing. I knew I’d never measure up. I could never fit in your life, even just the tiny bit of it that I knew about told me that. And I’d been left behind so many times, Tom. I didn’t want to be left behind by you.’
His heart turned achingly over in his chest as he looked at her.
‘Your family background couldn’t be more different to mine. My parents were never there for me. The only person who really ever fought my corner was my Gran, and I lost her too. I couldn’t face dealing with that again so I kept people at a distance. I decided I’d make my own security in life, without having to rely on anyone else. But it was so hard at first.
‘That first night I spent with you was the first time since Gran died that I actually felt like I could be happy, like I could turn things around. I looked at you with your life mapped out and your big dreams and I knew I might not have your support network and cheerleading family but I was still determined to make something of my life, for me. Not for anyone else.’
She shrugged.
‘I thought by leaving early I’d get in first. If I’d stayed in bed with you that morning I knew exactly what I was in for. We would have spent an hour or two together, we would have had coffee, maybe in that little beach café where they gave you free top-ups and you could watch the tide come in and still be warm. We would have made awkward small talk because both of us knew our time was up. And then it would have been time for you to go and drive to the airport, catch your flight. We would have said our goodbyes and that would be an end to it. And when it came right down to it I just couldn’t face that. I decided to get in first – I somehow thought it would be easier if I could make it my decision.’ She shrugged. What it comes down to is that it would have ended anyway last time around. You would still have said goodbye if I’d hung around to hear it. I just didn’t give you the chance.’
‘That’s
