Skip the Guilt Trap: Simple steps to help you move on with your life. Gael Lindenfield

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no fault of their own.

      Constantly telling myself I was such an idiot.

      I can’t get the thought out of my mind that life isn’t fair – why have I got everything I have when others can’t? Just the luck of the draw.

      I just worry all the time that I am getting it wrong and should know better.

      It feels as though I am an impostor at work.

      I just find myself dwelling on the fact that I could have done more … even though I really know I did what I could at the time.

      Sometimes people are not aware that they are feeling guilt. When they first come to me, many of my clients may experience some of these ‘symptoms’ and think they are due to ill health or external stresses. If the latter have been ruled out, we will then look together at how they have led and are leading their lives. This is when it is helpful to also know what the common behavioural signs of guilt are, which may be the underlying cause of distress.

      In the next chapter we will be examining in some depth the different types of guilt and the behaviours associated with each. But for the moment here are some of the more common general signs of possible guilt that you may recognise:

      Behavioural signs of guilt

      • Avoiding certain people or all people, or subjects of conversation.

      • Playing too safe.

      • Overcompensating with extremely ‘good’ behaviour.

      • Overwork.

      • Obsessions.

      • Depression (without an obvious cause and no bipolar disorder diagnosed).

      • Agoraphobia.

      • Dependence on alcohol or drugs.

      • Rebelliousness.

      • ‘Bad’ behaviour.

      EXERCISE: MY PERSONAL SIGNS OF GUILT

      • Re-read the lists of physical, mental and behavioural signs that I have given above, and mark the ones that you commonly experience.

      • Ask a couple of people you know what they feel and notice in their mind and behaviour when they feel guilty. You could show them the lists above. Note the differences in your experiences of guilt.

      Who is more likely to feel an unreasonable amount of guilt?

      Although there is no definitive research that can prove the cause of this problem, there are some reasons that are commonly accepted among therapists and counsellors as to why some people feel excessive or unreasonable levels of guilt. Below, I am listing the main ones that I have come across in my own work. Having an idea of how a problem started or was encouraged (and maybe still is) can help us to identify possible ways to deal with it.

      We are more likely to get caught in a guilt trap if we:

      

are generally known to have an emotionally sensitive temperament;

      

are introverted;

      

did not have enough love given or shown to us in our childhood;

      

were ‘outsiders’ or considered to be ‘different’ in our family or childhood institutions and became resigned to being so;

      

as children were bullied or have been repeatedly so in adulthood;

      

were brought up in an overly disciplined family or institution;

      

have spent a long time in a highly disciplined and authoritarian profession;

      

have lived a long time in a politically repressive society;

      

have been members for a long time of a social group with a very strict ethical framework;

      

belong to a group that has strong moral directives;

      

belong to a religious group that does not encourage interaction with people of other beliefs or faiths;

      

have chronic low self-esteem;

      

do not have a secure idea about the kind of person we are or want to be;

      

are perfectionists;

      

are not good at standing up for our own rights;

      

still feel the need for parental approval;

      

never like to rock the boat and almost always strive to keep the peace;

      

do not currently have a strong supportive network.

      On reading this list you may have noticed that I did not include any gender issues. Although I often hear and read the opinion that women feel more guilt than men, to my knowledge there is no research to back up this belief. Women perhaps talk more openly in everyday life about their guilt. Men do not do this so much, but will drink, overwork or bash a boxing bag to reduce the tension, but then suppress it. However, in the confidential confines of therapy, I see little difference between the genders. Certainly the causes appear similar, as does the degree of distress.

      EXERCISE: HOW PREDISPOSED AM I TO GETTING CAUGHT IN A GUILT TRAP?

      1. Re-read the above list again. This time do so more slowly, giving yourself time to think about each characteristic. Mark the ones that have some significance for you.

      2. Discuss with members of your family or a friend.

      3. Make some notes.

      Summary

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