through it, but at the back of your mind you’re thinking, ‘This one’s heading straight for the downstairs toilet.’ Hold on just a second. The more time you dedicate to these tests, the more they can work for you in trying to decode the walking enigma that stalks your domicile.
If you’re in the mood for a few quick-fire, fun games to play with your animals, you’ll find plenty of them in this book and you can notch up all your cat’s scores for a rainy day (when you’ll have time for some of the more searching activities). Other tests require you to play out the activity repeatedly (in order to get the clearest result) or over the course of several days. In short, this book is for life – not just for Christmas.
As for your cat . . . many of the tests involve the cat engaging in ‘solo’ behaviour, while some involve other cats or animals. And here comes the rub: some of the most interesting tests focus on the ways in which your cat interacts with, tests and manipulates you. In fact, some of the biggest scores can be scooped by a cat that is adept at getting you to behave in ways that make its life a virtual nirvana.
Have a stopwatch or smartphone at the ready, as some of the activities are time tests. So, once again, you may wish to retest your cat – perhaps over the course of a few days or weeks – to see if the animal is able to improve on its performance.
In some of the activities, multiple points are available for cats that meet the requirements of the tests in different ways. These ‘multiple score’ or ‘bonus score’ areas are clearly indicated, so please only award these extra marks where applicable. If you decide to cheat, then you’re only cheating your pet (and, ultimately, yourself).
Categories of Genius
In order to make these tests as pseudo-academically sound as possible, they have been divided into five thematic areas.
PHYSICAL TESTS
This set of activities examines the ways in which your cat uses its body to achieve a distinct advantage in its surroundings. So these are not just tests of strength and agility – they are also tests of the animal’s cunning and creativity.
TERRITORIAL TESTS
Here’s where you can measure the balance (or imbalance) between your cat’s natural instincts and its ability to tailor them to the rigours of village, urban or suburban life.
METEOROLOGY AND CAT COSMOLOGY
After measuring your cat’s physical and territorial awareness, you can see how well it copes with factors that it cannot control easily – namely the weather and the broader interactions of visible and invisible matter in the Universe.
PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTS
This is what the book is really building up to – a measure of what’s truly going on beyond those bright eyes. Your cat’s modes of behaviour are also modes of self-expression and indicators of mood. Let’s take a ruddy good look at them.
SUPERNATURAL TESTS
At first glance, this section looks like it’s just for fun . . . But is it? Analysing your cat’s subtle quirks may uncover a few connections with the paranormal – and send a few shivers down your spine to boot. So don’t be a sceptic – your pet could be a gateway to the spirit world, and just imagine how cool (and potentially lucrative) that would be!
Scoring tips and conclusions are given on pages 125–127, so that you can analyse your pet’s performance in each of the above categories and thus compile its physical and psychological profile. You can also identify the areas in which the animal might be able to do better in the future.
• General note (for all sections): try not to let your cat know that it is being tested. It probably won’t like the idea of being assessed, and so will not offer its co-operation voluntarily. Some stealth may be required.
House cats are domesticated animals, but they’ve cunningly retained a little bit of their wild side – just enough to keep you on your toes. Cats may live in your home, but they do so purely for their own convenience. They’ve adapted to the home environment, but they can take it or leave it depending on their immediate and ever-changing needs. A closer examination of their physical behaviour can reveal all sorts of hidden nuances in your cat’s ability to manipulate not only its environment – but you as well.
The following physical tests and activities will help you to measure this level of domestic adaptation. Score each section carefully, repeating the experiment – as and when necessary – to achieve an average score that truly reflects the general attitude of your pet.
1
Test of The True Cat
Is your cat genuine? Is it a true cat or some kind of charlatan chat or feline faker? Contrary to what all the experts say, there is in fact only one way to find out.
In full view of your cat, place a small object (e.g. a coin or a pencil) near the edge of a table or other high-altitude surface where there are few (if any) other objects. Grab a stopwatch and see how long it takes for your cat to bat that object into oblivion.
If your cat is truly a cat, it will knock that object off the edge at some point after becoming aware of it. The speed of response is key: the faster, the more feline.
2
Engaging with Confined Spaces: a Metaphysical Challenge
The pacific octopus has a 4-m (13-ft)-wide arm span, and yet it can slip through a gap no wider than a tennis ball. Generally, cats can squeeze themselves through some pretty tight fissures (sometimes as narrow as 7.5cm/3 in) – but it’s time to find out exactly what their attitude is to the metaphysical problem of the confined space.
