When presented with a diverse range of boxes, cases and containers, your cat:
Takes one look at them and then retires to the couch. 1 POINT
Checks each box for traces of food before entering. 2 POINTS
Slips into the box or case that has the most luxurious lining. 3 POINTS
Chooses the smallest receptacle and doesn’t leave it alone until it has succeeded in pushing its whole body into it. 4 POINTS
Tries each container in turn until the optimum cat-to-box comfort ratio has been identified. 5 POINTS
Fetches a set of laser-guided measuring instruments and proceeds to carry out a structural survey of each container. 5 POINTS
3
Stance Decoder
In order to tune into the moods and intelligence of your cat, you need to know how to interpret its various poses and stances. The stances listed here are physical messages transmitted from your cat to the other beings in its general vicinity.
MULTIPLE AWARD
Be honest – tick the stances you’ve seen your cat adopt on a daily basis, and collect up the scores accordingly. Do not include any postures that are not a regular or daily occurrence.
THE TEAPOT: paws tucked under, tail tucked round, all bunched up with face forwards and back curved – all the cat needs is a handle. The teapot stance serves you a tepid cup of disappointment. You clearly could have done better with that thing you should have noticed/should have done. 2 POINTS
teapot
THE REVERSE TEAPOT: not only have you not done what your cat asked you to do, but you’ve overstepped the mark. The rear end of the pot is presented. No cup of warmth can be poured. No eye contact. You’re locked out. 3 POINTS
reverse teapot
THE PARALLELOGRAM: this is a sleeping or relaxing position that denotes complete relaxation, serenity and personal security. Note how the forelimbs lie in a perfectly parallel formation in respect of the hind limbs. 2 POINTS
parallelogram
THE CHAISE LONGUE PLAY-ALONG: when a cat lies on its side like this, with at least one forelimb outstretched, it’s ready to be playful and interactive. 2 POINTS
chaise longue play-along
THE OPEN BOOK OF DECEPTION: one of the more ambiguous postures, this ‘belly up and exposed’ stance exudes a feeling of confidence and contentment – but it’s also a defensive posture, allowing the animal to take a nifty swipe at you if you penetrate its aura of pleasure with your interfering mitts. 3 POINTS
open book of deception
4
Tail Semaphore
Thanks to so-called evolutionary progress, we humans have lost our tail, and this is a problem. We can no longer comprehend the full range of signals that animals send out by virtue of their versatile rear appendages. But with a little care and attention, we can try and understand the basic messages contained in the subtle flexings of a domestic cat’s tail.
MULTIPLE AWARD
If your cat uses its tail to control or manipulate you in certain ways, then it deserves some points for each of the stylings below – so long as they are employed on either a regular or day-to-day basis.
THE NIP AND TUCK: when a cat has its tail hidden beneath its undercarriage, it’s either fearful of something or generally ill-at-ease. 1 POINT
nip and tuck
THE BURNING FUSE: a fast side-to-side or twitching motion could indicate that your cat is highly irritated, or frightened, and about to lash out. 1 POINT
burning fuse
TUNE ME IN: this straight, upward tail shows that your cat is happy, confident and relatively pleased to see you. 2 POINTS
tune me in
RIDDLE ME THIS: this question-mark-shaped tail is indeed asking a question – ‘are you up for some feline interaction?’ It denotes a mood of openness and playfulness. 2 POINTS
riddle me this
THE SLOW ASSASSIN: this tail denotes the deep, lucid intelligence of a bond villain. It moves slowly, from side to side, to mask the fact that the cat is about to attack another animal, person or object. (Nb: may be combined with the bouffant – below). 3 POINTS
When presented with a diverse range of boxes, cases and containers, your cat:
