I have reason to apply to myself verse 16, and "tell what God has done for my soul."—Verse 18 also I can take to myself. I do not regard iniquity in my heart, but it is upright before Him, through His grace, and therefore God does hear my prayers.—What has God done for me, in comparing this 16th of January 1838 with the 16th of January 1820, the day on which my dear mother died.—I have also resolved this day, if the Lord should restore me again, to have an especial meeting at the chapel once a week, or once a fortnight, with the Orphan and Day-School children, for the purpose of reading the Scriptures with them.-My heart has been drawn out in prayer for many things, especially that the Lord would create in me a holy earnestness to win souls, and a greater compassion for ruined sinners. For this I have been quickened through reading onward in Whitfields life.
Jan. 17. The Lord is yet merciful to me. I enjoy fervency of spirit. My soul has been again repeatedly led out in prayer this day, and that for a considerable time.—I have read on my knees, with prayer and meditation, Psalm lxviii.Verse 5 "A Father of the fatherless," one of the titles of Jehovah, has been an especial blessing to me, with reference to the Orphans. The truth, which is contained in this, I never realized so much as today. By the help of God, this shall be my argument before Him, respecting the Orphans, in the hour of need. He is their Father, and therefore has pledged Himself, as it were, to provide for them, and to care for them; and I have only to remind Him of the need of these poor children, in order to have it supplied. My soul is still more enlarged respecting Orphans. This word "a Father of the fatherless," contains enough encouragement to cast thousands of Orphans, with all their need, upon the loving heart of God.—My head has been again in a distressing state today; my soul, however, is in peace. May God in mercy continue to me fervency of spirit!
January 18 to February 2. During this time I continued still at Trowbridge. I was, on the whole, very happy, and habitually at peace, and had repeatedly much communion with God; but still I had not the same earnestness in prayer, nor did I, in other respects, enjoy the same degree of fervency of spirit, with which the Lord had favoured me for several days previous to this period.While the considerable degree of fervency of spirit, which I had had, was altogether the gift of God, still I have to ascribe to myself the loss of it. It is remarkable, that the same book, Whitfields Life, which was instrumental in stirring me up to seek after such a frame of heart, was also instrumental in depriving me of it, in some measure, afterwards. I once or twice read that book when I ought to have read the Bible on my knees, and thus was robbed of a blessing. Nevertheless, on the whole, even this period was a good season.—My health being not at all improved, it seemed best that I should give up all medicine for a while, and take a tour; on which account I left Trowbridge today and went to Bath, with the object of going from thence to Oxford. I had grace today to confess the Lord Jesus on my way from Trowbridge to Bath, as also twice, lately, in going from Trowbridge to Bristol; but I was also twice silent. Oh that my heart may be filled with the love of Jesus, in order that it maybe filled with love for perishing sinners!
Feb. 3. I left Bath this morning, and arrived in the evening at Oxford, where I was very kindly received by brother and sister ——, and the sisters ——.
Feb. 7. Oxford. I had been praying repeatedly yesterday and the day before, that the Lord would be pleased to guide me, whether I should leave this place or not; but could not see it clearly to be His will that I should do so, and therefore determined to stay. Now, as I am able to have a quiet horse, I shall try horse exercise, if it may please the Lord to bless that to the benefit of my health.
Feb. 10. I have had horse exercise for the last three days, but the horse is now ill. "Mine hour is not yet come," is the Lords voice to me in this little circumstance.
Feb. 11. This morning I was directed to read Proverbs iii. 5-12, having just a few minutes to fill up before breakfast. I was particularly struck with those words: "Neither be weary of His correction." I have not been allowed to despise the chastening of the Lord, but I begin, now and then, to feel somewhat weary of His correction. O Lord, have mercy upon Thy poor unworthy servant! Thou knowest, that, after the inner man, I desire patiently to bear this affliction, and not to have it removed till it has done its work in me, and yielded the peaceable fruits of righteousness. But Thou knowest also what a trial it is to me to continue the life I am now living. Help, Lord, according to my need!
On Feb. 8th I sent a letter to the church in Bristol, which, having been preserved, I give here in print, as it shows the way in which the Lord dealt with me during and through the instrumentality of the affliction, and which, with His blessing, may lead one or other of the children of God who are in trial, quietly to wait for the end, and to look out for blessings to be bestowed upon them through the instrumentality of the trial.
To the Saints, united together in Fellowship, and assembling at
Bethesda and Gideon Chapels, Bristol.
Trowbridge, Feb. 1, 1838.
Dear Brethren,
Twelve weeks have passed away, since I last ministered among you. I should have written to you repeatedly, during that period, had I not thought it better to put aside every mental occupation which could be deferred, as my head is unfit for mental exertion; but I would now rather write a few lines, than appear unmindful of you. You are dear to me; yea, so dear, that I desire to live and die with you, if our Lord permit; and why should I not tell you so by letter? I will write, then, as a token of brotherly remembrance and of love towards you; and may it be a means of quickening you to prayer on my behalf.
In looking back upon my past life, I know not where to begin, and where to end, in making mention of the Lords mercies. His long-suffering towards me in the days of my unregeneracy cannot be described. You know a little of my sinful life, before I was brought to the Lord; still you know but very little. If, however, I have much reason to praise God for His mercies towards me in those days, I have more abundant reason to admire His gentleness, long-suffering, and faithfulness towards me since I have known Him. He has step by step led me on, and He has not broken the bruised reed. His gentleness towards me has been great indeed, very great. (Brethren, let us follow God, in dealing gently with each other!) He has borne with my coldness, half-heartedness, and backsliding. In the midst of it all, He has treated me as His child. How can I sufficiently praise Him for this long-suffering? (Brethren, let us imitate our Father, let us bear long, and suffer long with each other!) He has been always the same gracious, kind, loving Father, Friend, Supporter, Teacher, Comforter, and all in all to me, as He was at the beginning. No variableness has been found in Him towards me, though I have again and again provoked Him. I say this to my shame. (Brethren, let us seek to be faithful, in the Lord, towards each other! Let us seek to love each other in the truth, and for the truths sake, without variableness! It is easy, comparatively, to begin to love; but it requires much watchfulness, not to grow weary in love, when little or no love is returned; yea, when we are unkindly treated, instead of being loved. But as our gracious, faithful God, notwithstanding all our variableness, loves us without change, so should we, His children, love each other. Lord, help us so to do!)
Besides this gentleness, long-suffering, and faithfulness, which the Lord has manifested towards me, and which I have experienced in common with you all, the Lord has bestowed upon me peculiar blessings and privileges. One of the chief is, that He has condescended to call me for the ministry of His word. How can I praise Him sufficiently for this! One who was such a sinner, such a servant of Satan, so fit for hell, so deserving of everlasting destruction, was not merely cleansed from sin and made a child of God through faith in the Lord Jesus, and thus fitted for heaven, and did not merely receive the sure promise that he should have eternal glory; but was also called unto, and, in a measure, qualified for the expounding of the word of God. I magnify Him for this honour!-But more than this. More than eleven years, with very little interruption, have I been allowed, more or less, to preach the Word. My soul does magnify the Lord for this! More still. The Lord has condescended to use me as an instrument in converting many sinners, and, in a measure at least, in benefiting many of His children. For this honour I do now praise God, and shall praise
