my bodyEverything repeats the same sad truth
That simple indigestible fact
Yet I am like a child shaking her head
In disbelief
It's only been two weeks
Almost three
Since you were here
Heart beating
Lungs breathing
Feet kicking, arms dancing
In me
I asked for aloneness, this retreat
To be closer to you
To recapture and try again
To come to terms
With what we've been through
Something so vital
Someone so precious
Has been severed from me
I cannot fathom how I am supposed to be
Separated from you physically
Wrap you up neatly in memory
Do anything with this hole in me
That only you could fill
I will never be walking
The way I used to walk this path
Now that I am walking without you
12th March, 09h35
Cigarettes put me in touch with my pain
Catch my breath
Coat my throat
I wrap my feet in new shoes,
My overweight body in new clothes
Dark and discreet.
Hair uncovered,
Toenails deep red,
Frida Kahlo feelings bleed
Into my heart and head.
16th March, 08h45
Blinded from my vision
Of a horizon
Including you
I feel my way into each day
I run
I hide
I collapse
I howl inside
My chest heaves
I smoke
Just barely keeping the breath flow
Oh, my baby, where did you go?
18th March, 19h37
Floating in and out of faith,
Disconnected,
I try to feel you, my baby,
But find myself absorbed instead
In my own sorrow at losing you
You tore my world in two
As earthquakes do.
20th March, 19h37
This is where the road separates
Those who have been there
And those who have not
Those who know
Drown in fresh air
In company
In shopping malls and parking lots
In circles of sympathizers
In the morning
At any given moment
In the middle of the night
Despite the love
Of those around me
I drown
In the silence
Rain cloud hanging heavy
Above the traffic of my thoughts
Around my still pounding heart
I drown
In the silence
Permeating my womb
23rd March, 10h25
I am so sore, but refusing to cry – again. I need solitude, but don't want to be alone. I am tired, but avoiding sleep. I do not want to run from thoughts of you or to escape this intense aliveness death has brought me.
9th April, 16h0
I light a candle for you, little-one-of-great-impact. You have reshaped me. Throughout my pregnancy you filled me with possibilities, a mother's blind projections. Now with equal force you have abruptly changed my direction. You are a fire burning strong and low. You have returned, only in spirit, to remind me that you did not come to bring me sorrow. Sorrow is not why you came.
17th April, 10h3
Of all the tormenting pictures in my head, the image of your body, your blood draining from your limbs, your face, collecting in your cavities, still brings me to my knees. Blood, rose-red peeping from your lips, ears, nose, umbilical cord, from between your legs. I am stained with this imprint of your physicality Blood curdling cries race through me, a sound stream of desperation. I ache for a tangible trace of you.
21st April, 20h03
Bongiwe, my beloved daughter,
My precious unseen one,
I take each step
In memory of you.
My body claims its breath
As yours no longer does.
My heart beats on
While yours is gone.
Bongi, my beloved one,
I am tossed,
I am torn,
I am stretched,
I
