to calm my fearOf losing all trace of you.
I write to draw myself out
Of the dark well of doubt.
I write to come to peace
With you being there
And my not yet knowing where
I write to keep myself
And you, my baby,
Alive.
22nd September, 18h28
I am lying in a doctor's examination room with my eyes fixed on the ultrasound monitor. Where once I saw her suspended in stillness, today I see the perfection of a son, swimming within me. I feel a deep delight as I watch his movements, hear his persistent heartbeat. Part of my heart sinks silently too, now that it is clear no daughter will follow her. She was the only one.
Almost seven days ago, a close friend died of cancer. Life and death circle around me. I try to find my feet in each day, knowing there are many ways to cry, that life goes on after the body decays and that our spirits are what matters most, while we live. I feel blessed and stretched anew.
3rd October, 10h30
In my backyard
Stands a gnarled old peach tree stump
Determinedly growing new branches,
Sprouting baby-pink flowers,
A shower of innocence
At Nature's command –
It's Spring!
Buttercup yellow sprays out
From the bush in the corner,
Between spiky green leaves
Baby's breath, white above the ferns
Sways in the wind
Down below the loquat tree
Almost at the centre of my garden
Miniature lilac daisies with yellow hearts
Blossom for Iman.
Where do I place my sadness?
What must I do?
Let it sit within me till it overflows from my eyes
unexpectedly?
Or let it come between an ordinary day and me?
What can I say that hasn't been said before?
2004
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