on a school night. What’s the big deal about going out on Saturday night? One of the universal laws of the universe has been and should be Halloween is celebrated Oct. 31. But now there’s an effort to postpone trick-or-treating to Saturday.
On my street, I was asked to support Saturday trick-or-treating. I could not. I did not. I believe my side lost.
So come Saturday, tricksters might hear the sounds of spooky music or see broom-flying witches impaled face-first into trees or meet a neighborhood Dracula with an equally lame impersonation.
It just won’t be at my house—unless I can find something awesome at Michaels. I hear Miley Cyrus costumes are hot this Halloween.
Me twerking. That ought to really scare the kiddies.
The Twelve Days of Christmas (Reconsidered)
December 20, 2015
On the first day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
A Partridge in a Pear Tree.
* * *
On the second day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
2 Turtle Doves
And a sweet but flimsy explanation why I need a partridge or a pear tree.
* * *
On the third day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
3 French Hens
2 Turtle Doves—which I have no idea where to keep much less what to feed.
And no need for a partridge or a pear tree (grapefruit tree, sure).
* * *
On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
4 Calling Birds
3 French hens—is this like a solidarity thing with the French?
2 Turtle Doves—which in no way look like or are as cool as turtles.
And no need for having what will only end up as compost.
* * *
On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
5 Golden Rings
4 Calling Birds—do they have to call? Can’t they sit quietly and think underwhelming bird thoughts?
3 French Hens—solidarity. Check.
2 Turtle Doves—not real turtles.
And no need for that first stuff we mentioned.
* * *
On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
6 Geese a Laying
5 Golden Rings—You didn’t tap into our IRAs, did you?
4 Calling Birds—That can call from another zip code.
3 French Hens—Vive la France!
2 Turtle Doves—Vive la Dinner!
But there’s no need for threatening violence against turtle doves.
* * *
On the seventh day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
7 Swans a Swimming
6 Geese a Laying—Try: 6 Geese a Staying Away from Other Frisky Geese.
5 Golden Rings—Think one ring. Zales.
4 Calling Birds—Retired.
3 French Hens—Growing on me.
2 Turtle Doves—Bacon-wrapped, pepper-spiked, with oozing cream cheese...
And the reason for being chintzy on the rings is because it cost $1,100 to have one chintzy dead Chestnut tree chopped down lest it crush my home for the holidays.
* * *
On the eighth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
8 Maids a Milking
7 Swans a Swimming—Where?
6 Geese a Laying—Platonically.
5 Golden Rings—Zirconium.
4 Calling Birds—Mute.
3 French Hens—Love them!
2 Turtle Doves—With a Syrah or a nice Chardonnay.
And I’m sorry but any number of maids a milking doesn’t sound like an appropriate gift.
* * *
On the ninth day of Christmas
I napped.
* * *
On the tenth day of Christmas
I un-napped.
* * *
On the eleventh day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:
11 Pipers Piping—No.
10 Lords a Leaping—No.
9 Ladies Dancing—Yes.
8 Maids a Milking—No.
7 Swans a Swimming—No.
6 Geese a Laying—No.
5 Golden Rings—No.
4 Calling Birds—No.
3 French Hens—Yes.
2 Turtle Doves—No.
1 Partridge in a Pear Tree—No.
* * *
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:
Assorted
