Birds, French Hens, Turtle Doves, and, I give up —
Throw in the partridge in a pear tree, too.
Dear Santa. I want stuff. Thank you.
December 6, 2015
How about a R2-D2 humidifier for a stocking stuffer?
Dear Santa,
Howdy.
My kids tease me about saying “howdy” because while I’m a Southerner, I’m not thatmuch a Southerner. You’re a Northerner, of course. How do you greet people at the North Pole? I’m guessing “howdy’ is out of place. More of a formal “hello” kind of deal? Yes, I’m stalling because it’s not my nature to jump right into asking for stuff.
I want tougher gun laws.
No, no, just kidding! I could use a new wallet. Mine is frayed. It’s a serious problem. I can’t expect to maintain my breakneck level of professional success with a weakened wallet.
I want an international climate deal.
Come on, fooled you again Santa! I’d really like a Mistletoe Drone. I saw one for $70 in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. This is the mistletoe that imparts whimsical cheer to holiday gatherings when hovered remotely over celebrants’ heads. Imagine flying that baby at the office party! For those of you whose office parties were discontinued because of the exorbitant cost to your multi-million dollar corporate owners, fly the drone on some random Friday at work. Imagine the festive sexual harassment lawsuits!
I want peace in Baltimore.
Sorry, I’m cracking myself up here. Seriously, I want WD-40 with a Smart Straw. I ran out. This is important. (P.S. I love that straw, so please make sure my new WD-40 has one. Thank you.)
I want anyone caught poaching an elephant or enjoying recreational lion hunting to serve time at Guantanamo.
Just a little wildlife slaughter humor there! Seriously, I want an R2-D2 humidifier just in time for the new “Star Wars.” Artoo also incorporates a night light to ensure a room does not slip over to the Dark Side. If you can throw in a Darth Vader Barbesaber for my next barbecue and maybe the Darth Vader Toaster that imprints “Star Wars” on each evil slice of bread, I promise not to ask for another thing, Santa.
I want peace in Syria.
Got you again! Who do you think I am—a holiday buzz kill? Santa, I got two words for you: plantar fasciitis. Nothing says holiday spirit more than plantar fasciitis. Peyton Manning has it. I have it (we have so much in common). Again look no further than Hammacher Schlemmer: Item #1: The Gentleman’s Plantar Fasciitis Herringbone Slippers. Item #2: The Plantar Fasciitis Insoles. Item #3: The Plantar “Twister” Game—for the sore of heel and young at heart (not featured in catalog).
I want comprehensive immigration reform.
Like a hole in the head!
OK, I’ll stop kidding around. Honest, I want a Charlie Brown Musical Christmas Tree authentically wrapped in Linus’ blanket. With that one ornament and sad little pine tree. Because like Linus, I know the real meaning of the holidays.
The real meaning is wanting and buying stuff from catalogs.
Everyone knows that.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
December 22, 2013
“What do you want for Christmas?”
“Let’s not get each other anything this year.”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you “Be of good cheer”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year...
“We say this every year, and we end up getting each other something.”
“Seriously, let’s not buy each other anything. We have enough.”
“I know, but I have an idea for you this year.”
It’s the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It’s the hap- happiest season of all...
“Do you know what it is?”
“I know.”
“So, you don’t want a Kindle? You don’t think you’d use a Kindle?”
There’ll be parties for hosting
Marshmellows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There’ll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago...
“So, no Kindle?”
“I like real books.”
“Is there a book you’d like?”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
There’ll be much mistletoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When love ones are near
It’s the most wonderful time of the year...
“If you buy me something and I don’t buy you anything, then . . .”
“Let’s just not buy each other anything this year.”
“You say that, but then you buy me something.”
There’ll be parties for hosting
Marshmellows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There’ll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago...
“What are you looking at on your comp?”
“Would you wear a button-down sweater?”
“I’m not sure what that is.”
“A sweater that’s not a pullover.”
“Oh.”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
There’ll be much mistletoeing
