I say yes when I don’t really want to.
I don’t want to disappoint others.
I’m worried about being rejected if I say what I really feel.
People take advantage of me.
Short-term gain: You don’t have to worry about disappointing people and being rejected.
Long-term pain: Your own needs don’t get met, which leads to resentment, sadness, frustration, anger, and possibly depression.
AGGRESSIVE STYLE
I like to be right.
I enjoy being in control.
I interrupt and talk over others.
I like to have the last word.
Short-term gain: You win the battle — with the accompanying adrenaline rush and feeling of power. You rarely feel ignored or vulnerable.
Long-term pain: You lose the war. People distance themselves from you, or they let you dominate them, which results in one-sided relationships. Isolation and conflict may lead to feelings of sadness, loneliness, and symptoms of depression.
ASSERTIVE STYLE
I care about others’ feelings, but not more than my own.
I don’t like conflict, but I know sometimes it’s necessary.
What others think of me matters, but not so much that I’d do something I don’t want to.
I will listen to the other person’s side as long as they will listen to mine.
I realize that I won’t always get my way.
I’ll risk disappointing people to ask for what I want or need.
Short-term pain: Not knowing how others will respond to your direct expression of needs, values, or expectations can feel scary.
Long-term gain: People respect you because you respect both them and yourself, and they want to maintain a relationship with you. You get your key needs met, but not in a way that alienates or hurts others.
THE BOY IN THE CORNER
Ron here. Sometimes an aggressive style comes in disguise, and in the case of a teenage boy I was counseling the disguise was black baggy pants, a black hoodie, and a baseball cap pulled right down over his eyes.
The boy never said a word in our early sessions together, just slouched in a chair in the corner of my office. Eventually I figured out the benefits of his passive-aggressive interpersonal style. In the short term, he avoided conflict and could completely control the situation. But long-term, this style was responsible for his social isolation and the anger of his parents and teachers. It also meant he had to come to therapy every week and sit — in silence — with me.
I asked him how it would feel if he didn’t have to see me anymore.
He looked up from under his baseball cap and smiled.
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s work on that.” I told him I could meet his expectation of no longer seeing me if he agreed to use a different interpersonal style — one that used words.
Our first conversation started slowly and awkwardly. Eventually I asked him what it was like to communicate without words. How did it make him feel? How did it benefit him? How did it affect other people? How did they feel? What effect did their feelings have on him?
By the end of our time together, he was able to recognize the benefits and costs of communicating more assertively. In the short term, he was risking rejection and loss of control, but in the long term connecting with others and expressing his needs made him feel better. And the icing on the interpersonal cake? He didn’t have to see me anymore.
How’s That Working for You?
Our feelings may come to us automatically, but our behavior is a choice.
It’s possible to consciously change your interpersonal style to suit certain situations or relationships. It’s even possible to change your interpersonal style altogether. But it’s darn hard. It takes a lot of courage, commitment, and practice, and it’s not something anyone can do in one week.
Modifying your interpersonal style is an experiment, not a personality overhaul. It’s like trying on a new outfit that’s not your usual look. You’re going to feel uncomfortable at first. Your instinct may be to take it off as fast as possible and throw it on the “What was I thinking?” pile. You can do that — but the outfit you’ve always worn probably doesn’t make you feel so great either. So what do you have to lose? Wear the new outfit once, in front of a person you trust. What happens? How does the person react? How does that make you feel? If it doesn’t make you feel better, you can always go back to your old wardrobe.
Remember Drea, the fashion model who lashed out when people didn’t play by the rules? After working with Ron for a few weeks, she recognized that her aggressive interpersonal style was impacting her career, so she bravely decided to try a different style on for size.
TRY THIS: Trying on a new interpersonal style is like experimenting with a new look. Show it to one person, and see how you feel.
She got the opportunity at a shoot where she was supposed to jump into a pool. She hit the water, and it was absolutely freezing — the latest example of a client tricking her in order to capture a spontaneous reaction on camera. Drea had a split second before she surfaced to make a choice. Should she use her old style (burn them with anger) or try a new style (play it cool)? She opted to coolly let the people on the shoot know that the freezing pool wasn’t something she had agreed to and that she was very unhappy.
At her next appointment, Ron asked Drea how it felt to use the new interpersonal style.
“It felt weird,” she admitted. “I didn’t get the immediate rush I usually get. I had to wait until the shoot was over to get my feelings out, and even then I had to stay calm.”
Ron asked how she felt later.
“I felt pretty good,” she said. “Usually people get really defensive with me, which makes me even madder. But this time, they apologized and explained why they did it. Their excuses didn’t make things okay, but I was able to tell them that without yelling. And get this — they’ve already called me for another gig.”
Turns out they’d expected her to throw a hissy fit over the cool pool. When she didn’t, she earned a new level of respect — from others and from herself.
If you’re ready to try a different interpersonal style, you’ll need to put your interactions under the microscope. Choose a situation and break it down, moment by moment, feeling by feeling. Then imagine a different outcome. How could you handle a similar situation differently next time, so you — and the other person or people involved — feel better? A handy way to do this is to work through ten questions that we lovingly call “Ten Questions for Emotional Enlightenment.”
TRY
