shoes in the hallway. You walk in the door and see the shoes. Maybe you even trip over one. The first step is to ask yourself: How am I feeling? Are you angry? Disappointed? Ashamed? Frustrated? Hurt? Don’t say, “Okay” or “Fine.” If you’re stuck, pick one of the six F-words. If there are several feelings mixed together, focus on the feeling that’s most intense.
The next step is to ask: What’s making me feel this way? Is it the fact that you’ve told the kids a million times before that their shoes go in the closet? Are most of the shoes your eldest son’s, and he should know better? Did you just talk to them about this yesterday? Is it just one more example of how they ignore what matters to you?
Next, ask: How do I usually handle this? Do you squash the feeling down and remove the evidence — in this case, by cleaning up the shoes yourself? Do you try to address it with the kids right then and there? Eat a big bowl of last night’s dessert? Go somewhere private and close the world out? Or do you take some deep breaths, calm down, and make a plan to deal with the issue when the time is right?
Step four is to ask: What happens when I handle things that way? Let’s say you usually call the kids down and yell at them. Does it start a screaming match? Do you say things you later regret? Do you end up doling out punishments that you have a hard time enforcing later? How do the kids react? Do they withdraw? Say things that hurt your feelings? Fight with each other the rest of the night? How’s that working for you? Does it change anything — and is it for the better or the worse?
Next, we go back to feelings. Ask: How does that make me feel? Let’s say you handle a situation like the shoes by withdrawing. Do you feel better after your self-imposed time-out? Or do you spend your time alone thinking about all the ways your kids fail you or you fail them, which makes you feel sad, inadequate, incompetent, and sorry for yourself?
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