the desire for, and experience of, sexual pleasure resulting from either their own or another person’s actions. And, of course, it relates to entering another person’s personal space with the intent of stimulating sexual interest and perhaps of establishing a subjective connection with that person, and ultimately the act of copulation.
Some of these components have to do with the sexual experience itself, but some associate with the relationship more generally, so that the two become intertwined. For example, one component involves physical touch and sexual entry, which stimulates a bonding process through the release of oxytocin and vasopressin. Along with this, a parallel event occurs: the entering into another person’s subjective personal space, so that personal space becomes a shared space. Such intertwined components in sexual behaviour create associations (with corresponding neural connections) which link it to the notions of both belonging and bonding.
But first: what makes behaviour ‘sexual’? A range of behaviours might attract the label ‘sexual’ but involve few of the above-mentioned components, while there are also behaviours that are decidedly nonsexual, yet have components associated with the idea ‘sexual’. A key distinguishing factor is intent — that is, the meaning or purpose of the behaviour. For example, because love and intimacy associate strongly with sexual behaviour, behaviours relating to either love or intimacy may be interpreted as sexual, yet they may be without sexual intent: one need not imply the other. Two people can love each other deeply without sexual intent, such as a child and parent, or siblings, or two men or two women who are drawn together, perhaps through shared life experiences. Similarly, there are behaviours and experiences that might approximate aspects of sexual behaviour or experience, but, lacking sexual intent, are not considered ‘sexual’; such as an adult caressing a child, a child suckling at the breast, a person receiving therapeutic massage, or a doctor conducting an intimate examination.
On the other hand, there are situations, behaviours, or comments that might be described as ‘sexualised’ because there is an intended association with sexual desire or behaviour, even though there is no actual sexual component to the situation, behaviour, or comment (such as may be found in advertising). Then there are behaviours where the boundaries and motives are blurred, and it is difficult to interpret whether or not the behaviours are ‘sexual’ (that is, whether there is sexual intent) — when one person meets the gaze of another; an affectionate embrace or physical touch; unintended sexual innuendo in conversation, and so on.
In making links between neurobiological processes and sexual experience and behaviour, it is necessary to differentiate between sexual arousal, sexual desire and interpersonal sexual attraction, even though these experiences can overlap and the distinctions can become blurred.17 Nevertheless, these distinctions become important when analysing and deconstructing a person’s prevailing drive profile: sexual arousal, desire, and interpersonal attraction are not always aligned, and nor does their combined presence necessarily predict a successful or functional sexual relationship. Furthermore, the blurring of these distinctions can sometimes create confusion in interpreting one’s own physiological and psychological responses to a situation — for example, the experience of sexual arousal does not always correspond to sexual desire, nor is it always a valid indicator of sexual attraction. Let us consider these distinctions.
Generally, sexual arousal has to do with eroticism — the capacity of a stimulus to excite a genital response. Such a stimulus may be the presence of another person, or of sexual images or fantasy; it may even be a pleasant awareness of one’s own sexual attributes. However, such genital response does not always reflect sexual desire; and sexual desire, on the other hand, can occur without a genital response. Consider, for example, masturbation without erotic images; a child sexually stimulated by an adult; therapeutic massage; and physical closeness. The one responsible for the sexual arousal does not necessarily represent an object of sexual desire for the one experiencing the arousal.18 To be aroused simply means that physiological changes have taken place within the neuroendocrine system, typically involving the release of dopamine and melanocortins. Sexual arousal is a physiological event generally reactive to certain stimuli associated with sexual behaviour, but does not constitute a sexual drive as such, even though it is a critical link in the chain of sexual behaviour. Nevertheless, we will see that sexual arousal without interpersonal attraction or pre-existing sexual desire can result in the conditioning of subsequent sexual arousal responses, which in turn can create a sexual drive.
Distinguishing between sexual desire and interpersonal sexual attraction is more difficult. They involve rather nebulous dynamics comprising interrelated meanings, attributions, values, perceptions and expectations. Interpersonal attraction may involve admiration, love, or pleasure in the company of another person, and can occur without concomitant sexual desire, although the basis of attraction does normally include gender traits. Of course, interpersonal attraction can prime someone for sexual desire (just as sexual desire can prime someone for interpersonal attraction). Importantly, interpersonal attraction — whether sexual or otherwise — involves being drawn to a person because of certain qualities of the person to whom one is drawn: its focus is the other person, including their maleness or femaleness; not sexual activity as such. The experience of falling in love typically reflects this, as I will explain later.
More generally, desire relates to wanting an object or experience, so it generally emerges in the context of a perceived lack of something. It translates into an impulse to own, consume or experience something: its focus is one’s own fulfilment. Sexual desire, then, has to do with wanting the fulfilment that comes through sexual experience. However, it can also refer to that sexual experience as an avenue to wanting, consuming, or experiencing someone, or certain aspects of that person. Being ‘joined’ to a person is subjectively accomplished through the sexual act — it can be a way of subjectively ‘capturing’ that person and what that person represents. In this case, the goal is not the sexual experience per se; but the sexual experience is used to obtain the goal — the getting of something which is seen in a person or associated with that person. The origin of such desire might reflect any combination of underlying drives that finds expression in the sexual act. To understand sexual desire in a person, we need to establish what that person wants to own, consume, or experience.
Of the attributes most men want to experience or own in another person, perhaps the most important is the femaleness of the woman — both of her body and her inner self; and for most women, the maleness of the man. But when sexual desire is ‘desire for sex’ only, it is essentially indiscriminate in terms of with whom a man or woman might have sex (especially where alcohol is involved), drawing a man or woman into sexual activity where there may be little interpersonal attraction outside the essential femaleness or maleness of the other body (as Karl discovered in his encounter with the prostitute).19 Sometimes, of course, a man desires the maleness in another person (and a woman the femaleness in the other person); and then, sometimes, the sex of the other person is irrelevant, either because the sexual desire lacks all discrimination in what is desired except for the pleasure of sex itself, or because the desire is to own or experience certain inner qualities of the other person other than their maleness or femaleness. Where sexual desire relates to a particular person, then the desire is for the qualities seen in that person, a desire that finds momentary consummation through the sexual act with that person.
The relational goals of connection and belonging
We have considered what makes behaviour ‘sexual’. Sexual behaviour, however, is one thing; a sexual relationship is another. And because sexual behaviour generally occurs in the context of relationship, relationship dynamics necessarily play a role, affecting the quality of the sexual encounter. Indeed, sexual and relationship satisfaction are closely linked.20 A relationship has to do with relating to and connecting with someone else. But where a relationship is sexual, that relating and connecting necessarily has a sexual dimension. Belonging comprises an important element of sexual relationships. Love and intimacy add further elements
