shewed me that he was at that happy age when one's inexperience is one's sole misfortune.There was a rich lady for whom he did not care, as she wanted him to give her that which he would be ashamed to give save for love, and there was a girl who required him to treat her with respect. I thought I could give him a piece of good advice, so I told him to grant his favours to the rich woman, and to fail in respect now and again to the girl, who would be sure to scold and then forgive. He was no profligate, and seemed rather inclined to become a Protestant. He amused himself innocently with his friends of his own age, in a garden near Avignon, and a sister of the gardener's wife was kind to him when they were alone.
In the evening I went back to the inn, and I had not long to wait for the Astrodi and the Lepi (so the hunchbacked girl was named); but when I saw these two caricatures of women I felt stupefied. I had expected them, of course, but the reality confounded me. The Astrodi tried to counterbalance her ugliness by an outrageous freedom of manners; while the Lepi, who though a hunchback was very talented and an excellent actress, was sure of exciting desire by the rare beauty of her eyes and teeth, which latter challenged admiration from her enormous mouth by their regularity and whiteness. The Astrodi rushed up to me and gave me an Italian embrace,
to which, willy nilly, I was obliged to submit. The quieter Lepi offered me her cheek, which I pretended to kiss. I saw that the Astrodi was in a fair way to become intolerable, so I begged her to moderate her transports, because as a novice at these parties I wanted to get accustomed to them by degrees. She promised that she would be very good.
While we were waiting for supper I asked her, for the sake of something to say, whether she had found a lover at Avignon.
"Only the vice-legate's auditor," she replied; "and though he makes me his pathic he is good-natured and generous. I have accustomed myself to his taste easily enough, though I should have thought such a thing impossible a year ago, as I fancied the exercise a harmful one, but I was wrong."
"So the auditor makes a boy of you?"
"Yes. My sister would have adored him, as that sort of love is her passion."
"But your sister has such fine haunches."
"So have I! Look here, feel me."
"You are right; but wait a bit, it is too soon for that kind of thing yet." "We will be wanton after supper."
"I think you are wanton now," said the Lepi. "Why?"
"Why? Ought you to shew your person like that?"
"My dear girl, you will be shewing yourself soon. When one is in good company, one is in the golden age." "I wonder at your telling everyone what sort of a connection you have with the auditor," said I.
"Nonsense! I don't tell everyone, but everyone tells me and congratulates me too. They know the worthy man never cared for women, and it would be absurd to deny what everybody guesses. I used to be astonished at my sister, but the best plan in this world is to be astonished at nothing. But don't you like that?"
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"No, I only like this."
As I spoke I laid hands on the Lepi, on the spot where one usually finds what I called "this;" but the Astrodi, seeing that I found nothing, burst into a roar of laughter, and taking my hand put it just under her front hump, where at last I found what I wanted. The reader will guess my surprise. The poor creature, too ashamed to be prudish, laughed too. My spirits also begin to rise, as I thought
of the pleasure I should get out of this new discovery after supper. "Have you never had a lover?" said I to the Lepi.
"No," said the Astrodi, "she is still a maid."
"No, I am not," replied the Lepi, in some confusion, "I had a lover at Bordeaux, and another at Montpellier." "Yes, I know, but you are still as you were born."
"I can't deny it."
"What's that? Two lovers and still a maid! I don't understand; please tell me about it, for I have never heard of such a thing."
"Before I satisfied my first lover which happened when I was only twelve, I was just the same as I am now."
"It's wonderful. And what did he say when he saw it?"
"I swore that he was my first, and he believed me, putting it down to the peculiar shape of my body."
"He was a man of spirit; but didn't he hurt you?" "Not a bit; but then he was very gentle."
"You must have a try after supper," said the Astrodi to me, "that would be fine fun."
"No, no," said the Lepi, "the gentleman would be too big for me." "Nonsense! You don't want to take in all of him. I will show you how it is."
With these words the impudent hussy proceeded to exhibit me, and I let her do what she liked. "That's just what I should have thought," cried the Lepi; "it could never be done."
"Well, he is rather big," answered the Astrodi; "but there's a cure for everything, and he will be content with half-measures." "It's not the length, my dear, but the thickness which frightens me; I am afraid the door is too narrow."
"All the better for you, for you can sell your maidenhead after having had two lovers."
This conversation, not devoid of wit, and still more the simplicity of the hunchback, had made me resolve to verify things for my-self.
Supper came up, and I had the pleasure of seeing the two nymphs eat like starving savages, and drink still better. When the Hermit-
age had done its work the Astrodi proposed that we should cast off the clothes which disfigure nature.
"Certainly," said I; "and I will turn away while you are getting ready."
I went behind the curtains, took off my clothes, and went to bed with my back to them. At last the Astrodi told me that they were ready, and when I looked the Lepi took up all my attention. In spite of her double deformity she was a handsome woman. My
glances frightened her, for she was doubtless taking part in an orgy for the first time. I gave her courage, however, by dint of praising
those charms which the white and beautiful hands could not hide, and at last I persuaded her to come and lie beside me. Her hump
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prevented her lying on her back, but the ingenious Astrodi doubled up the pillows and succeeded in placing her in a position similar to that of a ship about to be launched. It was also by the tender care of the Astrodi that the introduction of the knife was managed, to the great delight of priest and victim. After the operation was over she got up and kissed me, which she could not do before, for her mouth reached to the middle of my chest, while my feet were scarcely down to her knees. I would have given ten louis to have been able to see the curious sight we must have presented at work.
"Now comes my turn," said the Astrodi; "but I don't want you to infringe on the rights of my auditor, so come and look round and see where the path lies. Take that."
"What am I to do with this slice of lemon?"
"I want you to try whether the place is free from infection, or whether it would be dangerous for you to pay it a visit." "Is that a sure method?"
"Infallible; if everything were not right I could not bear the smart." "There you are. How's
