desire to make the unknown…known. And when he avoided going out one evening for fear of feeling ill again, he taught his brain that “night” was a dangerous experience. That darkness was a hazardous and probable risk to his survival. The more he avoided it, the worse his fear of night became.
Avoidance is the Enemy
Whenever you avoid what you fear, you forge a neural pathway within your brain that associates the fear-inducing stimuli with a threat to your survival. In other words, you are erroneously teaching your brain to protect you from that stimuli via your survival instinct’s fight-or-flight response. The more you avoid what you fear, the deeper that groove in your brain becomes (a deep groove, but definitely not groovy!). The deeper the groove of this self-created neural pathway, the more often it takes you to a place of anxiety whenever triggered by the fear-inducing stimuli to which you’ve now developed an association. This is all unintentional on your part, of course. No need to start beating yourself up. It won’t help anyway. You were simply adhering to your biological inclination to seek pleasure and avoid pain. However, now it’s time to turn your life around and claim your calm. Enough of these needless fears with their time-wasting anxiety symptoms!
One of the biggest challenges in overcoming fear is that, although the brain learns lessons quickly, it does not unlearn lessons quickly. Ever traveled by train? On every trip, trains obey the direction of the tracks. If an engineer wanted to take the train in a different direction, but lacked the track, it would not be possible. New tracks would be necessary to divert the train onto a new course. And once a train has a destination on a track, it churns with momentum. The challenge lies in laying the new track. Like most goals in life, it would take patience, effort, and commitment to build that new path.
There is a similar challenge in facing anxiety and changing your brain’s chemistry. In other words, creating a new neural pathway that is unafraid of what you currently fear is going to take some effort. But it can absolutely be done. You can change your brain’s response to your anxiety-provoking stimulus by creating a new neural pathway (or laying new brain train tracks).
This might seem daunting. But just as all of our brains can be taught fear, they also have the capacity to unlearn fear. Our brain’s ability to do so lies in its neuroplasticity. For over forty years, there have been research studies proving the brain’s neuroplasticity, which is defined as the brain’s ability to affect changes in brain regions, neuron linkages, and associations. Research has even proven over time that the brain can engender new neurons by a process called “neurogenesis.”10 So what does this mean for outsmarting your brain’s false fear messages? It means you can generate calm in the face of your anxiety by changing how your brain perceives and experiences its triggers via specific actions—the very actions we’ll be discussing in short order!
Generally speaking, if you set something in motion in one direction, you can send it in another direction, too! Remember “the law of inertia” lesson in high school? I, myself, may have been asleep during that one. Let’s refresh: In 1687, Sir Isaac Newton (of gravity fame) proved that a body or an object will continue moving in the direction it’s moving until it is acted upon with force to redirect its movement.11 So to overcome anxiety, you’re going to have to expend some effort redirecting rather than avoiding.
The Seductive Nature of Avoidance
Anxiety isn’t sexy, but its avoidance is seductive. How do you stop yourself from avoiding anxiety when it feels so good in the moment? Most people would agree that when you avoid the very experience that brings you terror, you obtain great relief. Problem solved… Not! There is no real relief and no problem solved when avoidance is involved (Go ahead and sing this phrase, you know you want to!).
Avoidance is made of smoke and mirrors. Magicians often use smoke and mirrors to hide their tricks from the audience and blur reality. Should the audience see beyond the smoke and mirrors, reality would lead to disappointment for a lot of magic fans. The reality of avoiding anxiety will lead to disappointment, too. Avoidance is not only seductive, but deceptive. It urges your mind to believe you’re seeing something that you’re not. That something is relief.
Through avoidance, you always fortify what you fear. Always. It’s unintentional on your part, of course. You don’t mean to solidify your struggle. You’re just looking for a way out of your anxiety prison. And the seductive nature of avoidance is hard to resist. Avoidance is a little like the Venus fly trap. Its beauty draws prey in, then its fangs eat it whole. Yikes!
Pete, an affable, good-looking guy in his late thirties, had been single all his life. At thirty-nine, he began to question if he’d be alone for the rest of it. He now hoped for a girlfriend, but had no idea what attaining this goal would entail. He had never had one. He was only familiar with one-night stands. He never learned how to truly connect with a woman, other than through quick and easy physical intimacy. This was now leaving him empty and unfulfilled.
Pete arrived in my office feeling lost. He described his recent attempts at dating with the purpose of developing a relationship, but he didn’t know how to relate to women. Specifically, it made him anxious to discuss anything during a date due to a self-described absence in communication skills. Sure, he could charm women at bars with small talk. But when it came to substance or a true intimate moment, he felt powerless.
During his dates, women clued in fast on Pete’s inability to address any deep subject matter. He believed this rendered him non-relationship material in their eyes. “I clam up when women start to ask me questions about my life. I try to answer, but I don’t know what to say. I definitely don’t want to talk about my father skipping out on us when I was ten. Or my alcoholic mother. Plus, I know they’re expecting me to ask them things and listen to their problems. I think they want me to ask questions that show I care. But I honestly don’t even know how. It makes me too nervous. I start sweating and stammering. I think they’re immediately turned off. I’ve only gotten to a second date once in my life. She seemed as nervous as I was, but after that second date, she never texted me back. When I have a fair amount of alcohol in me, small talk is easy. Women don’t seem to expect you to have a meaningful conversation at a bar. That’s where I’m most comfortable. A few drinks in, I’m not worried about how women perceive me. I mean, who cares, right? I’ll never see them again. I’ve actually started back at the bars. I think I’m gonna cancel my online dating apps. I might not be cut out for a relationship. Maybe I should just accept that and give up.”
Though he was a bit misguided, I gave kudos to Pete for the attempt to challenge his brain’s false fear messages by going on dates. I reiterated that, through avoidance, he had long ago taught his brain that dating and intimacy were dangerous. I then asked Pete how long he had been dating with the goal of working toward a relationship. Resigned, he said, “Over two months, with about one date every week. So, maybe eight dates.” So much for commitment!
When I asked if he’d been modifying his dating routine based on lessons learned, he needed clarification. I explained that examining one date’s responses to questions he asked could provide observational data to apply on subsequent dates. For example, if Pete asked about a woman’s family with interest and she leaned in, then shared, that question would suggest a positive step toward connecting. Pete could then incorporate this question as connection practice during dates. In effect, this would challenge his brain’s false fear messages rather than foster them. I asked again, this time more directly, if he changed his behavior at all during these eight dates. “No, I was just trying to survive the dates. I was mostly hoping my hands wouldn’t shake or that I didn’t look too nervous.”
It struck me that although Pete believed he was afraid of intimacy, it seemed what Pete truly feared was potential criticism and rejection. This resonated with Pete. “I think that’s right. I’m constantly trying to avoid caring about a woman because if I do and she criticizes me or breaks up with me, I’d be crushed. I suppose that’s why spending time with women I have no real interest
