It destroys the trust necessary for a healthy marriage and the ability to feel safe with the spouse they thought they knew.
To the spouse of a pornography addict, pornography use is as serious as an extramarital affair. Spouses of pornography users also feel deeply rejected. Sexuality is a very private and intimate gift that is meant to be shared only with one’s spouse, bonding a couple together and open to new life. With pornography, that special gift becomes tainted. Even though they’re “only” characters on a screen, it can feel as if complete strangers have been welcomed into the intimate self-gift between spouses. Most porn stars are very young with “perfect” bodies, only adding to the spouse’s sense of rejection and being cast aside. This is especially true for wives. Patricia is in her late forties. When she saw the kinds of women Dan was viewing in porn, she began to think, “I’m no longer beautiful or desirable. He wants to replace me with the young girls in porn.” This led her to question her identity and value as a woman. Such a betrayal cuts to the very soul of a woman, and the pain is beyond belief.3
Pornography shatters the respect spouses should have for each other.
Patricia had always considered Dan a faithful, virtuous husband. Discovering his pornography use destroyed that image. Patricia lost all respect for Dan. She could no longer view him as a good father and role model for their children. She didn’t even feel safe leaving their kids alone with him.
Spouses of people addicted to pornography often struggle with feelings of guilt.
Although rationally they know they are not to blame for their spouse’s pornography use, they can’t help but feel that if they were only prettier, nicer, more sexual, etc., their spouse would never have turned to pornography in the first place.
Some feel blamed by others for not being a better wife or a better husband.
Dealing with a spouse’s pornography addiction can feel very isolating. Because of the guilt and shame they feel being married to an addict, many refuse to discuss the issue with close friends and family, which leaves them to deal with it alone.
For the addicted person, life becomes consumed by the use of pornography.
No matter how hard they try, they cannot stop. Although society may approve of their behavior, deep down they know it is wrong, and they keep it a secret. They live their lives with the constant fear that others may find out about their sexual sins. The guilt and shame can be unbearable. Some even entertain thoughts of suicide because their pornography use has become unmanageable. As hard as they try, their pornography use does not cease. They may have short periods of sobriety, but they usually always return to it. The kinds of pornography they seek out often become more extreme. They go from soft porn to hard-core material. This can include pornography depicting sex that is deviant, violent, fetish, and homosexual. It can even include child pornography.
Pornography use can affect the way the user views his/her spouse.
Some begin to objectify their spouse and view them only as outlets for sex (this happens especially with men). Men in particular may come to accept the degradation of women in porn, losing their ability to see women as human beings.4 They may even try to coerce their wives into engaging in the degrading sex they’ve viewed in pornography. Many men also find it difficult to be sexual with their wives because of their pornography use. They are only aroused by the young women in porn. Many men who become addicted to porn actually develop erectile dysfunction when they try to be sexual with their wives.5 For women, pornography can lead to judging their husbands as inferior men. This is because for women, the men in porn can become perfect “knights in shining armor” to which no human man could ever measure up. As we will discuss later, it’s often the eroticized promise of the perfect relationship that gets women addicted to pornography.
Pornography addiction also has a negative impact on the user’s family and professional life.
Many users feel guilty about all the time their addiction takes away from their families, friends, and career. For some, the addiction gets so bad that they lose their jobs, or miss out on promotional opportunities. For Catholics who are addicted, they begin to feel that God could never love them, and that they are completely unlovable.
Myths about Pornography Use and Marriage
In our culture, myths abound regarding pornography use and marriages, and these myths make it harder for couples to heal and restore their personal lives and their marriages. We need to dispel these myths once and for all if couples are going to find lasting healing.
Here are eight common myths I’ve encountered in my work with couples impacted by pornography addiction over the years.
Myth #1: Viewing pornography is more exciting and fulfilling than healthy marital sex.
One of the major myths the pornography industry spreads is that the fantasy world of pornography is better than real sex. Pornography often portrays marriage as boring and restrictive, and that the sex in porn is more exciting and freeing. This myth has even led many young people to not want to get married. Rather than committing to one person for life, they believe that true happiness and fulfillment will only come from having multiple sex partners.6
The reality is that the sex in pornography never truly satisfies. If it did, pornography users would not need to search constantly for more exciting sexual experiences online. I compare sex to fire. Viewing pornography is like lighting a match. It flares up brightly and is exciting for a moment, but then it goes out just as quickly. It never fulfills. Sex in a healthy marital relationship is like building a slow-burning fire that grows over time. It may not be exciting all the time, but it truly satisfies and fulfills. It’s the loving, intimate relationship that accompanies marital sex that makes it fulfilling. The Sacrament of Marriage also adds grace to marital sex, which makes it even more fulfilling.
Myth #2: People turn to pornography because sex is a need.
One way that people try to justify their pornography use is by claiming they “need” sex.
The truth is that sex is an appetite, not a need. Food and water are actual needs: if you don’t have them, you die. If you can’t have sex, it might be a difficult cross to bear, but it won’t kill you. As an appetite, sex must be experienced in its proper context, that is, within a healthy marital relationship. Not being able to have sex whenever you want actually makes it more special and fulfilling.7
Myth #3: If a person uses pornography, it’s their spouse’s fault.
Some people claim they turn to pornography because they feel lonely in their marriage, are angry with their spouse, don’t get enough sex, don’t feel respected or appreciated by their spouse, etc. Each of these excuses explicitly or implicitly blames the spouse for the pornography use.
Here’s the truth: despite what might be going on in a marriage, a person’s pornography use is never the fault of their spouse. These excuses are weak copouts. While the issues listed above are serious and must be addressed, they never justify pornography use. The fact is that we are each responsible for our behaviors. Viewing pornography is an individual’s sole decision and responsibility. No one else can take the blame.
Myth #4: Pornography addiction is only a men’s issue.
While the majority of pornography
