63:1).
The soldiers didn’t know that Jesus’ thirst was more spiritual than physical, and they gave him vinegar. Now, these soldiers clearly didn’t want to meet Jesus’ needs, since it’s obvious that vinegar isn’t going to quench thirst. If the soldiers had done the right thing and given Jesus water, his real need still wouldn’t have been met. Why? Because the soldiers assumed his need was something to drink. That’s not what Jesus meant, so the soldiers wouldn’t have met his true need, even if they had sincerely tried. Similarly, we as Christians might give people what we assume they need, often based on what they tell us they want, when, in fact, it isn’t even close to what they need. When we do this, we’re more than likely hurting them and not helping them.
There is a huge difference between wants and needs. I want chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I need healthy food for my body to live. I want soda pop or sweet tea. I need water for my body to live. If I want to get married to a person of the same gender, ultimately, I might want the Church to change her teaching. Yet, what I really need is to be accepted for who I am as a child of God and authentically loved by others.
Jesus knew what he wanted and what he needed, because he was God. The rest of us often don’t know what we really need … we just know what we want. But what we want might not be what is best for us and might even harm us in the long run. We see enticing things in our culture that we want, such as money, fame, power, and even harmful things like drugs or pornography. The more we give in to the desire for these things, the more they distract us from seeking what we really need.
Jesus’ words on the cross, “I thirst,” provide the key to what each of us really needs. Thirst is a vital need that has to be met, or we will die. When he said “I thirst,” he expressed that he thirsts for us like we thirst for water. He longs for us to thirst for him too.
Our culture has a lot of power to influence and shape what we want, and even to convince us that these wants are legitimate needs. But our faith shows us what we truly need: we need a relationship with God and with each other. We cannot survive without God. We need him far more, even, than we need water. This is why Christ compares the spiritual water he gives with the physical water we drink: “Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst; the water that I shall give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (Jn 4:13–14).
We also, as members of the Church, need each other. We cannot survive without connections to other people. The Bible is filled with references to how we are to love one another. We need others, and God reveals himself through our interactions with one another.
Starting when I was eighteen years old, I lived as a gay-identified man, and I was rejected by some people in the Church — people I perceived as holy. Some even broke my trust and told others what I had shared in private about my same-sex attractions. I already struggled to realize the authentic love Christ had for me, and these betrayals by my fellow Catholics only made that struggle worse. I needed acceptance — to see the love of Christ for me. I needed sensitivity and compassion. I needed to see the love of Christ in those who professed to be Christians. I needed hope. I needed authentic Catholic/Christian friends who would be there, listen to me, and pray with and for me. Instead, my trust was broken.
Many people in the Church who live with same-sex attractions face these same needs. How can the Church meet these needs? In particular, how can we meet these needs when the people experiencing them are still struggling with wants that go against Church teaching?
This is where our commitment to truth becomes absolutely critical. If we discard Church teaching in favor of catering to desires that oppose it, we don’t do anyone any favors. On the contrary, we may in fact be causing a great deal of harm. It’s important to note that needs are nonnegotiable. This is what distinguishes wants from needs. I can get by if my wants aren’t met; in fact, if my wants aren’t really good for me, I will be better off without them. But if my needs aren’t met, I will not survive.
What Does the Catechism Say?
So, to return to our earlier question: What do those who experience same-sex attractions need from the Church?
Actually, the answer is the same for everyone who is struggling to live well on their Christian journey. Whether we experience same-sex or opposite-sex attractions, we all struggle. There are those who are in pain from divorce, or who have had an abortion, or are survivors of a loved one’s suicide (and these are just a few examples).
So, what do we need? We need truth. We need authentic love. And we need hope. These three are not wants but needs, all of which must be met in order for our souls to thrive and survive.
The good news is that these three needs are also three beautiful gifts that come from God. In my opinion, these three gifts are intertwined so intricately and wonderfully that each one needs the other to exist. Without truth, we cannot give or receive authentic love, and we have no foundation on which to lay our hope. It might appear to be love because it is nice or the right thing to do, but without truth, there can’t be authentic love. Without authentic love, truth is cruel and burdensome, and hope is impossible. Without hope, truth and love lack direction and joy.
So if we want to meet the needs of those in the Church who experience same-sex attractions, we need first and foremost to meet their needs for truth, authentic love, and hope.
Before we begin to explore concrete ways to do this, we need to look at what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says on the topic of homosexuality. The sections that discuss homosexuality specifically are paragraphs 2357–2359, quoted in full here:
Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction towards persons of the same sex. It has taken a variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that “homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered.” They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.
The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.
Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.
Many believe that the Catechism promotes hate, because it refers to homosexual acts as “intrinsically” and “objectively” disordered. Many get very upset about these words. I’ll address this in more detail a little later. For now, I want to look at the prevailing wisdom in our culture, which colors the way we perceive the Church’s teachings. Our culture accepts and teaches that God created those of us with same-sex attractions this way. So the word “disordered” seems to refer to the full person, not to appetites, attractions, or inclinations. Again, we’ll go into more detail later on in this booklet.
If we read the Catechism carefully, we do not find hate there. Instead, the whole text urges the faithful to approach the discussion of homosexuality with truth, authentic love, and hope. Here are just a few
