black pastors’.
5 Reminder: all names in this book have been changed to protect the treacherously litigious.
6 More info on Barack Obama’s marijuana smoking days with the ‘Choom Gang’ here: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/barackobama/9290972/Barack-Obamas-marijuana-smoking-days-with-the-Choom-Gang.html.
7 In areas such as elite sport this remains the case; however, the pay is sometimes more rewarding.
8 Kim Kardashian, an off-white white woman with a fake black backside is to today what booty-free Pamela Anderson was to the 80s: the global standard of beauty.
PART 1
UNDERSTANDING THE WHITE MAN
‘Racism is still with us. But it is up to us to prepare our children for what they have to meet, and, hopefully, we shall overcome.’
— Rosa Parks
CHAPTER 1
Why Think Like a White Man?
‘Let us take the negro as we find him, as God designed him, not a white man, nor the equal of a white man …’
— Admiral Bedford Pim (1826—1886), a Royal Navy officer, Conservative MP, Arctic explorer, barrister and author (and ardent racist)
In hundreds, if not thousands, of years from now, scholars, historians and tin-foil-hat-wearing crackpot conspiracy theorists (the latter almost certainly able to trace their lineage back to a Trump voter) will research and debate the Barack Obama phenomenon with intense fascination. I can hear the arguments now: it was his oratory, his emotional intelligence, the alarming imbecility of his predecessor or the fact that he was a man of principle and faith, which propelled him to such heights. But they will all be wrong and/or too polite to tell the unspeakable truth.
What propelled Barack Obama to prominence, his superpower, was his key talent: simply, his immense understanding of white people. Without that, he’d probably have peaked as a butler at the White House, a veteran of Ronald Reagan’s war on drugs or a long-distance runner (he is, after all, ‘part Kenyan’ … according to Boris Johnson).
Crucially Barack was part of the tiny, micro-fraction of black people who managed to crack the code of the most important, difficult and powerful of all white people: the White Man. Watching Barack bob, weave and hadoken through white people, feed them sweet lies as opposed to the bitter truth, comfort their fears and soothe their tears all while maintaining the admiration of black people was beautiful to watch. When it came to the White Man, however, that brother was world class. Top five dead or alive.
He knew how to placate the White Man, how to pander to him and how to play him like a fiddle. He even knew how to put a White Man on ice. He mastered the White Man in theory, and then became the White Man’s master in practice.
And if you want to go places, you have to understand white people too. Especially the White Man. It is as straightforward as that. Get your Barack on, or get barracked.
White Men, specifically those of Anglo-Saxon stock from northern Europe (who went on to steal America and other areas of the world), essentially run everything that matters on the face of the Lord God’s green Earth. And whatever they don’t currently run, they are actively plotting and planning to take over. Where the stakes are high enough, they are probably bombing nations (under the unbelievably effective marketing guise of ‘protecting human rights’) in order to do so.
White Men are the emperors, the modern pharaohs, the owners and editors of the dictionary, the purveyors and deniers of credibility and rights. And wrongs. And book deals. And, most pertinently to this book, they are more likely than anyone else to be your boss and to control, as well as define, the corporate environment or institution within which you work and hope to excel.
Fuck what you heard: corporations are not people.1 They don’t have minds of their own. The actions of corporations are not driven by nature. Or even nurture. Corporations are just entities that reflect the interests and therefore the thinking, cultural norms and practices of their controllers and owners for the benefit of their controllers and owners.
If a corporation is controlled and owned by White Men, which is true of pretty much all major companies worldwide, then it will reflect the interests, thinking, cultural norms and practices of White Men. Which they do.
Nevertheless, in the interests of clarity, readers should be under no illusion: the proverbial White Man is not your enemy, far from it. He is much more than that: he is your owner. He owns all of us.
And I don’t mean ‘owner’ in the Ben Affleck-ancestry2 slave-master way – in which you could run up on him, slit his throat, crap in his birthday cake mixture or run away from him. The White Man of today has much more control over all of us than his enslaved African-owning genocidal criminal forebears.
You can’t touch today’s White Man: a drone will tear you limb from limb before you can even dream of getting to his throat or his cake mixture and you certainly can’t run away from him. He is in your company, your algorithm, your cuisine and, most importantly, your head.
Therefore, you have to understand how he thinks and acts in order to understand how to beat him at his own game and truly experience freedom and prosperity. As the old saying goes, ‘If you can’t join them, study them, think like them, act like them and then obliterate them.’
Why White People?
Let’s take a moment to provide a little succour to white fragility: the average white man or woman, Dave the Deplorable, the grime-quoting teacher who tried to ‘save’ you, or your perma-broke weedhead friends Will and Wendy, have little to do with the real White Man. And have little to fear from this book. In fact, they, too, stand to better themselves by reading it.
The average garden-variety white man or woman (especially if they happen to be working class – meaning broke) are, at best, on a slightly better version of the sinking ship black people have been on for a few centuries now. They, too, are sinking, just at a slower rate. They, too, need to fill up the holes and turn the ship around. This book will show them how.
Nevertheless, you cannot understand the White Man and the actions of the White Man if you don’t understand ‘white people’.
So, what do I mean by ‘white people’?
Well, just that. I mean white people. But in the ‘Africa’ sense of the term. This book ‘Africa-ises’ white people, which means: except where absolutely necessary, it describes and chronicles white people in a manner that neither reflects nor cares for the varying complexities, diversity, difference or differences in white people. No nuance, no care, no fucks given. This book just lobs them all together in one absolutely monolithic group. You know, like white people often do with ‘Africa’ or ‘black people’.
Some would argue, with absolute justification, that such a crass use of the term ‘white people’ is lacking in complexity and therefore offensive. They would probably go on to question why this book would do such a thing. Why doesn’t this book just ‘pander to the white woman’ as the great negro writer Marlon James suggested that all writers of colour have to in order to succeed?3 Why alienate the
