IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU’ to other, slimmer diners. And if you dare to take it any further, don’t be shocked if you’re invited to ‘fuck off back to Bongo-Bongo land’.
The British White Man is a top-shelf Louis Vuitton sneaker to his American cousin’s bargain-bin Nike: quality over quantity. He may lead you to believe that he is a happy Manolo Ribera to America’s Tony Montana but he isn’t. In reality he is Alejandro Sosa to America’s Tony Montana: he’s the boss. Fuck with him at your peril.
To understand how the British White Man thinks is to understand how the White Man thinks, and to beat him at his own game. If you can master how to think and act like a White Man, you, too, can have an empire the sun won’t set on.
1 ‘Mitt Romney says “corporations are people”’, Washington Post, 11 August 2011.
2 ‘Ben Affleck apologises for PBS slavery censorship: “I was embarrassed”’, Variety, 21 April 2015.
3 ‘Marlon James: “Writers of colour pander to the white woman”’, Sian Cain, The Guardian, 30 November 2015.
4 Please note that the white man of Hollywood Villain White People descent is still a White Man. Just not at this moment or historically as strategically full-fat-white (i.e. anti-black) as the White Man who enslaved, colonised us and often let his mistress name and draw the borders of our countries during pillow talk. How many times in your life have you met a black person with a Russian name?
5 ‘High Hitler: how Nazi drug abuse steered the course of history’, The Guardian, 25 September 2016.
6 According to his baby mama, this quote was made by David Lloyd George, at the time he was Leader of the Opposition. It is not clear if he was being sarcastic or serious. Nevertheless, since that statement was made Britain has been, to coin a phrase, getting its David Lloyd George on (i.e. bombing sand, land and swimming niggers).
CHAPTER 2
The White Man Commandments
‘The only good Indian is a dead Indian.’
— General Philip H. Sheridan
‘The only white man you can trust is a dead white man.’
— President Robert Gabriel Mugabe
‘Can’t we just all get along?’
— General Emir Osama Bin Laden1
Let’s get deep.
Depending on who you are, where you are, and how lucky you are, the words ‘white man’ probably evoke imagery of a three-toothed Jerry Springer contestant clutching a Bible, a gun, his cousin’s hand in marriage and a fourteen-word manifesto (possibly something along the lines of ‘we must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children’ or ‘because the beauty of the White Aryan woman must not perish from the earth’).
The key downside to such people also happens to be their biggest upside from a black professional’s perspective. They’re extremists and therefore easy to curtail, manipulate and, politically, castrate.
There is a gulf of difference, however, between a white man and a White Man.
A White Man has the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behaviour of others or the course of events, which is, of course the definition of power. Real power. Absolute power. White Man power.
A ‘conventional’ white man has white skin, sometimes precious little more, and the illusion that it makes him somewhat special, important or desirable. It doesn’t. It grants him some privilege, possibly vast privilege, but it doesn’t for one second make him a White Man.
So, if the White Man doesn’t care about a heap of English Defence League fodder, exactly what does he care about? What drives him? What does he live by? What are his values?
Thankfully, respectable scholars (principally myself) have identified the following pillars of White Man-ism, especially in the corporate space, or, as they’re now known, the ‘White Man Commandments’.
The White Man Commandments
1. Power is everything and winning justifies anything.
2. Politics trumps performance.
3. Compassion impedes progress.
4. Victory is only complete upon the absolute humiliation or, preferably, humiliating death of an opponent.
5. Racism has immense strategic benefit.
6. Reality is whatever a White Man (or at least a white person) says it is. Otherwise known as the ‘I’m white and I say so’ rule.
7. Activism is a societal ill but occasionally a useful tool.
8. Sex is a tool, a weapon and, otherwise, merely entertainment.
9. A White Man must be respected, feared or, at least, loved.
10. The White Man is God – exemplified by the beliefs that Jesus is white, Columbus discovered America, William Shakespeare is a better storyteller than Christopher Wallace, Elvis is King, the Beatles are the greatest, etc.
It is absolutely critical that you master and remember these Ten Commandments. Doing so will help you understand the motives, motivations and indeed mechanisms of the White Man and, to a much lesser extent, but by extension, quality white people (popularly known as ‘the middle class’). It will also help you understand how, why and when black people adapt and adjust themselves – whether by nature or nurture – in predominantly white environments. Finally, mastering these pillars will also help you better understand and appreciate all the advice, tips and squalid suggestions I offer up to you.
As you progress through this book and, subsequently, your rise to power (i.e. career), you will notice that the values and mindset on display in the Commandments seep through much of what the White Man does, how he thinks and why he wins. And then, how you overthrow him.
187 Quick Dos and Don’ts: 1–17
1. Do cape for whiteness as if your life depends on it: your career certainly does.
2. Do follow your passion. If you’re able to work on something that you’re passionate about and truly love, then it will make working twenty thousand times as hard as your white peers that little bit more bearable.
3. Do demonstrate all the ‘proper’ emotions in a convincingly exaggerated manner and eulogise profoundly on the death of a mediocre yet widely loved (by white people) white celebrity. Or a tusk-bearing wild animal.
4. Don’t wear a bow tie and a black suit if you’re a man. Don’t wear an all-white nun-like habit if you’re a woman (it goes without saying that a niqab, hijab, burka or durag are absolutely out of the question). Anything that makes you look like a member of the Nation of Islam – or, even worse, a ‘conventional non-prison Islam Muslim’
