is also amply recorded that sons did not always obey their fathers and that among the ways they resisted paternal control was by physically avoiding their fathers—staying out of their sight. Another way was to listen to their fathers’ orders, not object to them, then do as they pleased and apologize later—an approach that is common in the behavior of Confucian-oriented people.
Anthropologist Roger L. Janelli notes in Making Capitalism: The Social and Cultural Construction of a South Korean Conglomerate that young Korean men often used “avoidance, deception, and reinterpretation” to thwart the wishes and commands of their elders.
There have, of course, been dramatic changes in Korean society and the role of fathers since the introduction of democratic principles in the mid-1900s and the economic transformation of the country. Among other things, many contemporary Korean fathers in urban areas work such long hours and are away from home so much that they play very little role in the upbringing of their children. Some, especially those who choose to play golf and network on Saturdays, see their younger children only on Sundays and holidays. In more affluent families many sons and daughters from provincial villages, towns, and cities spend their college years in Seoul on their own.
Sons who migrate to Seoul after graduating from provincial schools, as well as those who attend university in Seoul and remain in the capital after graduation, generally thereafter see their parents only a few times a year, further loosening the Confucian ties and altering traditional behavioral patterns. Even with these changes, however, fatherhood in Korea brings with it a special status and special responsibilities to families that incorporate many of the best facets of Confucianism—respect for seniors and the elderly, a powerful compulsion to achieve the highest possible education, close-knit families, mutual responsibility for the welfare of the family and relatives, and a deep commitment to social order.
Achom 앛옴 Ah-choam
Massaging Male Egos
People in Korea, including foreigners, who have some special skill but no specific title, particularly if it involves intellectual efforts, are frequently addressed as sonsaeng (sohn-sang), which is the Korean equivalent of “teacher” but has a somewhat higher status connotation than the English word. Sonsaeng is commonly made even more honorific by adding nim (neem) to it: sonsaeng nim. Nim is one of the Korean equivalents of “Mr.,” “Mrs.,” and “Miss.”
The use of sonsaeng outside the educational field is symptomatic of the Korean custom of linguistically elevating the rank of people to make them feel good—and often to get something out of them. But it is only a small part of the social protocol that Koreans have traditionally used to maintain friendly, positive relationships within their families, among their relatives, friends, and co-workers.
Demands put on Koreans by their etiquette resulted in the use of achom (ahchoam), “flattery” or “compliments,” becoming an integral part of the culture to the point that it took on a life of its own. Achom was a normal and required part of interpersonal relationships. Failure to use it at the appropriate times and in the appropriate manner was a serious transgression.
Newly arrived foreigners who are subjected to the effusive use of achom by their Korean contacts tend to be disarmed by the experience, all too often lower their standards and expectations, and become much more susceptible to manipulation by their Korean hosts. While newcomers need not become cynical about this traditional kind of behavior, they do need to be aware of its role in Korean society and not read more into it than is actually meant.
Another related word that can cause problems for the unwary is chansa (chahnsah), which means “compliment” or “compliments.” Korean men are constantly complimenting each other and their male associates and friends, and Korean women regularly compliment each other. But it was traditionally rare if not unthinkable for Korean men to compliment their wives, daughters, or other females on their appearance or their accomplishments. And it was certainly not the custom for women to compliment men.
This old cultural tradition is changing among the younger generations, but older men still tend to believe that it is improper to compliment women in the presence of others and especially for foreign men to compliment Korean women in the presence of Korean men. At the same time, there is a significant exception to this taboo. Korean men are especially pleased when foreign men compliment them on the beauty and desirability of Korean women. In fact, they often have an exaggerated opinion of both the virtues and beauty of Korean women because in the past the women were in such demand by upper-class Koreans as well as the imperial court of China and invaders as concubines and slaves.
Another general exception to the taboo about complimenting women on their appearance is when men are out at night drinking and enjoying themselves with kisaeng (kee-sang), Korea’s geisha, or hostesses in nightclubs and cabarets. In this setting, virtually anything goes.
Foreign males in Korea are especially well advised to refrain from making comments about Korean women, whether flattering or derogatory, to Korean men with whom they do not have a long and deep relationship.
Adul 아둘 Ah-duhl
The “Son” Culture
During Korea’s last—and longest—dynasty (which began in 1592 and did not officially end until 1910), the structure and ethics of society came to revolve around ancestor worship. It also became a matter of law that the primary rituals of ancestor worship had to be performed by the oldest male in each family, making it essential that each family have at least one adul (ah-duhl) or “son” to carry out these vital ceremonies.
The rituals of ancestor worship and the importance of having sons became the central theme in the lives of all husbands and wives, resulting in the appearance of attitudes and practices that were to have a profound effect on the culture, with women being held responsible for producing male children—it not being known at that time that it is the sperm that determines the sex of offspring.
In addition to virtually compelling men to take secondary wives when their primary wives failed to have sons, this cultlike custom resulted in females in general being treated as instruments of utility. Among other things, the process of selecting wives for sons took on a pseudoscientific air, with mothers judging the potential capacity for would-be brides to bear sons on the basis of a long list of physical attributes.
Eventually these attributes were codified into thirteen “physical requirements” that prospective mothers-in-law and other marriage go-betweens used to measure the potential for young girls to bear sons:
1 Eyebrows that were straight (a masculine characteristic) and slanted downward, along with flat, smooth foreheads
2 Large, wide buttocks and correspondingly large, wide stomachs
3 A voice that was even toned and a well-developed chest that indicated good breathing capacity
4 Smooth, silky skin that was translucent, “like water”
5 Hands that were shapely and tapered (instead of square and stubby)
6 An angular face that had the profile of a goose or flea
7 Rounded shoulders and a thick back that denoted physical balance and strength
8 Well-developed breasts, with dark, firm nipples
9 A nose with a high ridge and slanted eyes
10 A stomach muscle that was thick and well developed, and a deep-seated navel
11 Wide eyes with “long, slender” corners that were dry
12 Skin that was shiny
