those souls to experience the interactions of life with, you chose the heartache and the joy, the frustrations and the ease, all of it.’
Thank you for picking me, I’m so glad I picked you.
To every single person who has supported me in writing this book, from the 50 or so people who generously crowdfunded it to those friends and coaches who listened while I wept in sadness, frustration and fear – Thank you. I particularly want to thank Alison Jones, without whom I may very well have given up when it got tough, all my clients who have shared with me their stories and offered me their encouragement – often explaining to me using my own words back at me why it is that I do what I do, and what the point of the book is – and in memory of Freya Marylin Moonbeam Murphy (I love you sis! You are in my heart always) and Claire Louise Hose (you were a huge inspiration to me and I often ask myself, what would Claire do?).
So, to YOU, the misfits and the mavens, I hold my hands up in reverence:
Let’s live our lives NOW, not waiting for a retirement, or for skinny, or for richer, or for permission.
The happiness we seek can only be granted to us, by us. The happiness we seek is also seeking us.
Each of us is unique and it is that uniqueness that is our gift to the world. In your weirdness is your wonder! Every one of you sees problems to be solved; it is not your job to bemoan them but instead to be a part of the solution. It is your duty to shine, to creatively bring your gifts to the world, and to encourage others to do the same.
I hope this book inspires you to do just that.
STAY WILD, STAY TRUE,
XOXO EBONIE
‘FAITH MEANS LIVING WITH UNCERTAINTY – FEELING YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE, LETTING YOUR HEART GUIDE YOU LIKE A LANTERN IN THE DARK.’
– DAN MILLMAN
1. These are probably not his exact words: I was young, 7 or so when he explained how it all worked and where we came from, and 14 when he reminded me of it as I slammed the door in his face. Later as I read Caroline Myss’s Sacred Contracts I more fully understood what he had said and honed my beliefs about this.
INTRODUCTION
This book is not for you if you are looking to find the answers to your questions...
By which I mean that each of us has the exact right answers to OUR own exact right questions. The tone, context, and language you use to ask your questions are personal to you and so are your interpretation and understanding of them – the same is true of the answers. The person who has all of the answers to your questions is you. I am a big fan of talking it out and a big fan of getting a different perspective than my own but ultimately, I am responsible for me, and you are responsible for you.
It is far more powerful to figure it out for yourself, and self-governance is in my opinion the key to it all. When I talk about self-governance, I mean learning to listen to yourself and govern yourself responsibly. Discovering self-awareness and self-acceptance is perhaps the absolute point of everything. In this book and in my work I intend to give you a set of principles, guidelines and theories which when applied to your life will enable you to uncover your reality and your truth for yourself.
At this point, it is also necessary to understand that I am making assumptions about you. I assume that you aren’t as happy or as satisfied as you would like to be. I am assuming that you have begun some sort of process of self awareness and self discovery and that you have moments (long ones or short ones) where you can’t see the fucking point in any of it.
Ouch.
I really know that. Trust me, I’ve been there.
I am also assuming that there are some bits of life that fascinate the hell out of you, and that you have touched or tasted or smelt some bliss or contentment and want to find more.
Think of this book as a handy way to remind yourself about what is important, and give us both some pointers on those days where the point has seemingly vanished.
You can start at the beginning and read through to the end – I would probably do that the first time – and then you can open it on any of the workbook chapters and read it as a standalone. The exercises and the questions are there to help you on your journey of self-discovery and awareness, and the lists and suggestions are not exhaustive or compulsory. I want for you to take what works and leave the rest. Walk to the beat of your own drum and be comfortable and confident doing so.
I am a fan of making notes as I read. I tend to write in books but if that’s not OK with you, get a notebook to accompany you on this journey as I will at times invite you to make notes or answer questions.
Why should I write it down and not just think about it?
Well, there are now plenty of studies which indicate that the physical act of writing really does boost learning and goal achievement. Dr Gail Matthews, a psychology professor at Dominican University of California, found that people who wrote down their goals, shared them with others, and maintained accountability were 33% more likely to achieve them, versus those who just formulated goals.1
Writing stimulates a bunch of cells at the base of the brain called the reticular activating system (RAS). The RAS acts as a filter for everything your brain needs to process, giving more importance to the stuff that you’re actively focusing on at the moment – something that the physical act of writing brings to the fore. As Anne Klauser2 says, ‘Writing triggers the RAS, which in turn sends a signal to the cerebral cortex. Once you write down a goal, your brain will be working overtime to see you get it, and will alert you to signs, signals and evidence to let you know that you are on track.’
That said, it’s just an invitation, you are the boss of you: do what you find works....
This book, like the work I do out in the world, is about living a 360-degree, self-governed life.
I’ve talked a little about what I mean by self-governed, so what do I mean by life? Well for the purposes of explanation I divide life into three main sections:
Work – the thing you do in the world, to solve a problem and make a living.
Ideally, this should be something you are good at and enjoy and people will pay for. Whatever this is for you, don’t let yourself do anything for money that you wouldn’t do for free, but don’t do it for free – charge the most you comfortably can, knowing that you are providing value.
Relationships – with clients, colleagues, friends, lovers, family – with everyone.
There is something that happens in our belly, a flicker of uncertainty, when someone else enters our space. Other people are our best teachers, our mirrors; we love them, they can be a source of great joy, and they challenge us immensely. People buy from people, so learning about attraction, being self aware and honouring boundaries brings great quality relationships and better business. As does giving yourself what you need rather than waiting for someone else to, and asking for what you need – learning to communicate effectively.
EGO / Enlightenment – this is about the relationship you have with
