Copyright © 2014 by Dennis Ortman, PhD
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, including electronic, mechanical or any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher.
Requests for permission should be addressed to:
New Horizon Press
P. O. Box 669
Far Hills, NJ 07931
Dennis Ortman, PhD
Cheating Parents: Recovering from Parental Infidelity
Cover design: Wendy Bass
Interior design: Scribe Inc.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2013935929
ISBN 13: 978-0-88282-457-4
New Horizon Press
18 17 16 15 14 1 2 3 4 5
DEDICATION
To Nicole, Jackie, and David, who bring me untold joy.
This book is based on the author’s research, personal experiences, interviews and real life experiences. The names and details of the stories presented throughout the book have been changed to protect the confidentiality of my clients. The stories of several of my clients have also been stitched together to weave a single story. My thanks to those who have shared their lives with me.
For purposes of simplifying usage, the pronouns his/her and s/he are sometimes used interchangeably. The information contained herein is not meant to be a substitute for professional evaluation and therapy with mental health professionals.
CONTENTS
Part 1: Those Who Identify with the Aggressor
Chapter 1: The Lustful Betrayer—Knowing No Limits
Chapter 2: The Excitement-Seeking/Addicted—Holding On for Dear Life
Chapter 3: The Disengaged Workaholic—Being an Actor in a Play
Part 2: Those Who Identify with the Victim
Chapter 4: The Vigilant Victim—Shrinking from Life
Chapter 5: The Angry Perfectionist—Standing Against Reality
Chapter 6: The Proud Caretaker—Feeling Superior in Love
Part 3: Those Who Disengage in Relationships
Chapter 7: The Grasping Avoider—Hanging On in Quiet Desperation
Chapter 8: The Withdrawn Melancholic—Nobody Suffers Like I Do
Chapter 9: The Laid-Back Outsider—Going to Sleep on Oneself
Part 4: Ineffective Ways of Parenting
Chapter 10: The Controlling Parent—Father Knows Best
Chapter 11: A Friend, Not a Parent—Finding Security in Love
Chapter 12: The Absent Parent—Flight to Safety
Part 5: Challenges of Offending and Offended Parents
Chapter 13: The Offending Parent—The Truth Will Set You Free
Chapter 14: The Offended Parent—You Are Stronger Than You Think
Chapter 15: What to Tell the Children
Epilogue: Grieving the Losses of Childhood
Acknowledgments
Endnotes
Ryan sat on the top step, listening from the depths of his soul. He had never been so still, so focused, in his short eleven years of life. Awakening him from a sound, dreamless sleep, his parents’ angry shouting and the crash of a broken dish had startled him but hearing his parents arguing grabbed his full attention. He lay awake in bed, afraid to move. Initially, fear gripped him as he was jolted from the comfort of sleep. Then, curiosity: “What’s going on downstairs? What are Mom and Dad arguing about?” he wondered. The blood pulsed through his head to the rhythm of the familiar sound of their shouting. Ryan’s mind raced with fearful thoughts: “Are they going to divorce? Is Daddy going to hurt Mommy? What will happen to me? Who will take care of me?”
Torn between fear and curiosity, Ryan argued with himself about whether to remain in the safety of his bed or get up and venture into the unknown. Finally, he decided he had to know. He crawled slowly out of bed and tiptoed to the landing at the top of the stairs. The light from downstairs seeped up into the darkness of the second floor. Ryan sat in shadows. He could not see his parents around the corner in the kitchen but he could hear the noise of their fighting. He could feel the intensity
