• They lie for no apparent reason.
• They feel anxious when not in control of a situation.
• They feel the need to be perfect and are fearful of being abandoned if they are not.
• They judge themselves harshly, holding unrealistic standards.
• They struggle to know and express clearly what they want.
SURVIVAL PATTERNS
As a psychologist, I spend my days listening to my clients tell stories about themselves, their lives and their relationships. Even though my clients express common concerns, their experiences and stories are unique, displaying an endless variety. I marvel at their ingenuity in finding ways to survive in the most adverse circumstances, in pursuing the loftiest goals and in making a mess of their lives through self-defeating behavior. Listening carefully, however, I can discern repeating patterns and themes.
Make no mistake about it. When parents are unfaithful, their children suffer. The effects may be hidden for many years, but they will eventually emerge as these young people engage in intimate relationships and parent their own children.
At the risk of oversimplifying, in this book I will describe some relationship patterns and parenting styles I have observed in adult children of unfaithful parents. Those traumatized cope with the pain by alternating between numbing themselves and reliving the trauma, flooded with memories and feelings of anger, anxiety and depression. Children raised in families torn apart by infidelity grow up to relive their childhood traumas by either identifying with the aggressor, becoming unfaithful themselves or identifying with the victim by marrying an unfaithful partner. Amazingly, despite their protests that they will never repeat what their parents did, as if they were genetically fated, adult children tend to become unfaithful or marry someone who cheats on them. A third group numbs themselves to their needs for intimacy, avoiding closeness and commitment in their relationships. They fear recreating the pain and confusion of their parents’ marriage by becoming either cheaters or victims themselves.
The way adult children of unfaithful parents care for their own children has been deeply affected by their experience with their parents. Their parents were often overwhelmed trying to cope with the wreckage of their marriage and had little left for the children. The children often felt neglected, ashamed of their parents’ behavior and confused about what is true and normal. To cope with the uncertainty and hurt feelings, these adult children often became controlling, overly-involved or disengaged parents. They lost a sense of balance in their parenting that mirrored the distorted care they received.
Under stress, like the animals from which we evolved, we instinctively respond in three ways: We fight, freeze or flee. Those who fight move against others in their relationships. This grouping of adult children identifies with their unfaithful parents. They tend to betray their partners by having affairs, becoming over-involved in work or developing addictions. In the first three chapters of the book, I will describe these personality types, what family experiences shaped them and a path to healing with an exercise. Those who freeze move toward others in their relationships, but become locked in their roles as victims, caretakers or perfectionists. They identify with their victimized parents. I will describe their relationship patterns, their origins in childhood and their healing paths in chapters four, five and six. Finally, those who flee move away from intimacy and commitment, losing themselves in their personal interests, fantasies and moods. Chapters seven, eight and nine describe the dynamics and recovery of these personality types. In each type, a symptom of PTSD, either reliving or blocking the trauma, becomes exaggerated.
PATTERNS IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
1) The Betrayer Group
2) The Victim Group
3) The Avoidant Group
The second portion of the book addresses the differing parenting styles I have observed in adult children of unfaithful parents. Some tend to fight for control over their children. Others cling to their children, becoming emotionally enmeshed with them. Still others disengage emotionally, fleeing intimacy. Chapters ten, eleven and twelve will address how these styles developed, with a path to healing and an exercise. The next two chapters will address the parenting challenges of the offending and offended parents and how to help their children through their crises. I conclude with suggestions on how to approach your children if your marriage is injured by unfaithfulness.
PATTERNS IN PARENTING STYLES
1) The Controlling Style
2) The Enmeshed Style
3) The Disengaged Style
Coincidentally, the nine typical relationship patterns I observed parallel the nine character types of the Enneagram, an ancient Middle Eastern guide to inner transformation updated by modern psychologists. In the Enneagram system, the personality is formed at an early age around a fault which is a compensation for the childhood experience of helplessness and loss. The faults, embraced with wisdom, become fertile ground for the growth of our unique strengths and virtues.2
I was a Catholic priest for fourteen years and have been a psychologist in private practice for twenty years. In my work I have attempted to integrate the wisdom of western psychology with spiritual traditions from both West and East. My spirituality gives me immeasurable hope when working with my clients. I believe in the possibility of transforming any unfavorable circumstance into a path to enlightenment and freedom. Working with couples traumatized by affairs, I have witnessed over and over that the infidelity can be a wake-up call in many troubled marriages. It can be a moment of crisis, an opportunity to work through long-buried problems and reach a higher level of intimacy and trust.
Such growth, however, can occur only through the power of forgiveness, a forgiveness that is authentic and does not hide from pain, anger and confusion. Furthermore, I learned that the path of healing for these adults who were traumatized as children was again through the power of forgiveness. Not only must they forgive their unfaithful spouses to recover, they must also forgive their unfaithful parents who provided such poor role models for them. Forgiveness entails the release of both anger toward them and the desire for revenge. It occurs over time, with a willingness to embrace painful feelings and understand themselves and their parents. In the end, forgiveness happens as the wounds heal, setting them free to love openly and fully.
My message is one of hope for those who feel lost. You can be healed through the power of forgiveness.
This book is written for those who have been unfaithful, have been betrayed or are considering affairs. It is also a healing guide for adult children whose parents had affairs. If you have been unfaithful, this book may help you understand the impact of your behavior on your children and seek ways of reconciling with them and facilitating their healing. Making amends will also help you in your recovery and in resolving your guilt.
For those who have been betrayed, you will become more aware of how your children also share your pain. Having compassion for their suffering, you will assist them in working through their trauma as you work through yours.
If you are considering embarking on an affair, I implore you to stop and think clearly about the consequences, especially for your children. Your urge to reach out to another outside the bounds of your marriage is a clear indication that something is awry in your marital relationship. Now is the time to address the problem before your desire to escape through an affair seems irresistible. Spare your children the trauma of your betrayal. Without a doubt, they will feel betrayed if you break your marital bond.
For
