way we think about ourselves profoundly affects our attitudes and behavior. Metta invites us to shower ourselves and others with kindness and compassion.3
For this exercise, sit comfortably in a quiet place. Try to shut out all distractions, especially your racing thoughts, and focus on the rhythm of your breath. Also relax your body, being aware of any tension you feel. Imagine breathing relaxation into the tense muscles you discover. As distracting thoughts arise—as they inevitably do—gently let them pass.
With a relaxed mind and body, imagine yourself in your pain. It may be helpful to hold in your hand a picture of yourself when you were a child. Transport yourself back to your childhood in your memory and relive the experience. See yourself as a child caught in the maelstrom of your parents’ unhappy marriage. Allow yourself to sense the innocence and helplessness that marked who you were as a child. Don’t rush it. Let the memories and feelings emerge. Feel some compassion for yourself as the child victimized by your parents’ troubles.
When you are ready, imagine yourself as an adult feeling the pain and turmoil of your unhappy marriage and your guilt and shame in seeking an escape through the affair. Again, feel some compassion for yourself, as difficult as it may be. Then select some phrases that express wishes for you in the present moment. For example, you may say to yourself, “May I be happy. May I be free from suffering. May I be at peace with myself. May I forgive myself for the wrongs I have done. May I be loving and truthful with my spouse.” Repeat three or four of these phrases for a period of time, allowing the words to penetrate your soul. Say the words slowly and thoughtfully in time with your breathing. Simply relax and repeat these phrases for at least ten minutes, longer if you are inclined. Throughout the day, if you are feeling tense, stop to repeat the phrases to bring a sense of serenity.
This exercise can also be used with other significant people in your life. At this point in your recovery you are probably most aware of the pain you caused your partner by your infidelity. You are aware of how much you betrayed his or her trust and that you must rebuild the relationship. It is your responsibility to take the initiative in the rebuilding process. As a starting point, you can begin by extending loving-kindness in thought and intention to your partner, developing compassion for that person in his or her suffering. Only love will overcome your sense of shame and guilt.
Begin this exercise again by quieting your mind, body and heart. Sit still in a quiet place. You may hold a picture of your spouse in your hands. Imagine the pain he or she is experiencing in this moment. Recall when he or she first discovered your cheating, the shock, hurt and rage. Allow your heart to reach out to your beloved. Then select phrases that express your heartfelt wishes for this person. “May she be happy. May he be free from the suffering I have caused. May she have joy in life. May he be at peace.” Slowly repeat these words, feeling your love pouring out to your partner, creating a bond of love. Repeat these words for a period of time, allowing your guilt to dissolve in a sea of love.
Undoubtedly, feelings of being betrayed by your unfaithful parents may emerge as you face your own infidelity. Although you are responsible for your behavior and no one else is to blame, you were influenced by your parents. In your own recovery, you will experience your need to forgive them and to release your anger toward them.
The metta exercise is a good way to kick-start that recovery. Again, hold a picture of your parents, preferably from your childhood. Imagine what their life was like when you were a child, what distress they may have been suffering. As a child you did not understand their problems, but as an adult who has walked in their footsteps, you have more insight. From a relaxed place, follow your breath until you feel still in your mind, body and heart. Now reach out to your parents with wishes for their well-being. “May they be happy. May they find peace. May they be free from suffering. May they enjoy good health.” The phrases need not be elaborate, just simple wishes from the heart. Slowly repeat these words, sensing the love and peace radiating from you to them. Throughout the day you can pause and repeat these phrases, renewing your intention to extend compassion to yourself, your partner and your parents.
The Excitement-Seeking/Addicted—Holding On for Dear life
As a child, Ken loved to talk. He was a chatterbox with the gift of gab. He could talk his way into and out of any situation. He spent his free time wandering about the neighborhood, talking with anyone he met. Since Ken was such a talker, his parents predicted he would be a salesman.
Ken grew up to fulfill his parents’ expectations. He became a successful sales representative for a large company. Ken also loved adventure, which was satisfied by his job. He got to travel around the world, often to exotic places like Saudi Arabia, India and Vietnam. Ken enjoyed the thrill of the chase in putting together complicated business deals and trying to sell to difficult clients. He planned his strategy well, pursued his goals with energy and celebrated his victories with abandon. His job always kept him on the move and Ken preferred it that way. He was easily bored and could not sit still. When he tried to stop and relax, his mind raced with plans and projects he wanted to accomplish and a nervous restlessness overtook his body.
Ken could not keep himself busy enough, even when he was not working. He watched sports incessantly, baseball in spring and summer, football in fall and hockey and basketball in winter. At home, he always had projects going. When he was not home or on the job, he worked out at the gym, “just to keep my sanity,” he claimed.
Everyone was surprised when Ken dated and married Alice, a quiet, withdrawn, mousey woman who seemed to be his opposite in every way. While Ken ran around pursuing his interests, Alice stayed at home cooking, cleaning and relaxing with a book. They appeared to be the odd couple, but were content with each other nonetheless. After a long courtship, they married and settled into a routine, Alice as the anchor at home, and Ken on the go with restless energy.
Despite appearances of normality, Ken had a secret life. As a teen he developed the habit of masturbating daily to relax and help him sleep, because he was always so wound up. He discovered his father’s cache of adult magazines and videos, indulging himself to fulfill his fantasies. He complained that sex had become routine and boring in his marriage. Often he could not maintain an erection and felt discouraged. From magazines and videos, Ken graduated to Internet pornography. His wife often retired early to bed, leaving Ken alone and restless. The only way he believed he could relax after a grueling day of chasing sales deals was with his computer. He scanned pornography sites, finding images that matched his fantasies of being desired by beautiful, buxom women. He adopted pornography as his preferred sleep aid.
Being a member of a strict Protestant church, Ken felt a nagging guilt for his secret habit. However, he justified it to himself by thinking, “That’s the only way I know how to relax.” The thought passed through his mind that he was being unfaithful to his wife, but he quickly dismissed it, thinking, “I’m really not having sex with anyone, just myself.” He also began drinking more in the evenings to relax and wondered if it was becoming a problem. As time passed, Ken spent more time late into the evenings with his habit, feeling exhausted the next day at work. One late night, his wife awakened to notice his absence. Looking around the house, she found him hovering over the computer screen, indulging his fantasy. Outraged, she confronted him about how long it had been going on. She threatened divorce unless he got help.
The shame, guilt and fear of losing his marriage brought Ken to therapy. He admitted feeling relief that his secret was in the open, and now he had the motivation to address the problem. He always took pride in being a resourceful problem-solver, but he could not beat what he came to acknowledge as a sexual addiction. During treatment, Ken became aware of a deep feeling of inner emptiness which
