way to cope with pain. Addressing the cause of the pain is much more effective. In fact, the more you rely on your drug of choice, the less you develop your own internal resources to solve problems and cope with life’s inevitable difficulties.
“I can’t fight the urges to use my drug, to indulge my compulsive behavior or moods. They’re too strong and irresistible.” The addictive mind is ruled by the word “can’t.” You believe you are powerless to resist urges, which are just passing thoughts. You imagine you will suffer extreme discomfort or even die if you do not give in to your urges. The reality is that the urges are just thoughts that come and go. You cannot control your thoughts and feelings because they just flow from some deep, hidden source. However, it is you who decides what importance to give those thoughts and feelings. And you do have control over your behavior. Recovery involves becoming more aware of these urgent thoughts, noticing how they arise and disappear, realizing what triggers them and learning to let them pass without acting on them.
“I’m impatient and always need a quick fix.” The more you turn to your drug of choice or preferred compulsive behavior to cope with the trials and tribulations of life, the weaker you become. As your tolerance for suffering decreases, time takes on a different meaning. You want everything and you want it now. You want immediate gratification in whatever you do and begin losing the capacity to delay pleasure for future gain. In the fantasy life you are creating for yourself, you hope to achieve whatever you want quickly, easily and with little effort. You expect that you can have complete control over your life and your experience. You can make a painful world disappear magically by indulging in your addiction.
“Nothing compares to the high I get from my drug.” That’s true. Drugs activate deep pleasure centers in the brain, making their use seem irresistible. The more you indulge in your addictive behavior, the more self-centered you become in focusing on the pursuit of your own pleasure to the neglect of your responsibilities and care for others. You become more childlike in the pursuit of pleasure and fun. You always want more and are never satisfied with what you have in the moment. But eventually, your drug provides you with brief moments of excitement that are never enough and long periods of pain. And you begin to lose the capacity to enjoy the simple pleasures in life like a walk in the park, because nothing can compare with the rush of the high.
“I am worthless, and no one will love me.” All addictions arise from suffering, an attempt to cope with the harsh realities of life. The addicted come to think of themselves as losers in life and use their drug, behavior or mood of choice to comfort themselves. Their sense of worthlessness and loneliness reinforces their tendency to find relief and happiness in addictive behavior. However, your low opinion of yourself, often disguised behind an arrogant façade, is really an invention of your mind used in the service of your self-defeating activities. It is just another thought and not a fact. The truth is that you think less of yourself as a result of indulging in your addictive behavior. You do not like how it controls you, leads to embarrassing, harmful actions and violates your moral standards. The more you lose yourself in the addiction, the more you distance yourself from others and push them away. Your addiction causes a sense of worthlessness and loneliness.
ASSUMPTIONS OF THE ADDICTIVE MIND
1) Life should be easy.
2) Seek pleasure and avoid pain at all costs.
3) You can have it all and have it now.
4) You cannot count on anyone else to meet your needs.
5) You are worthless and alone.
6) Rely solely on yourself.
7) Only your drug can bring you happiness.
5) JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP.
Finally, seek the fellowship of others who are suffering like you. Addictions are too powerful to face alone. The path to healing involves a clear awareness of your distorted beliefs and thinking and a commitment to change your behavior. You will also need the support and guidance of others who are well acquainted with the addictive mind, such as the twelve-step fellowships, which address the full range of addictions. These groups provide a mirror for you to see yourself and your thinking realistically. Alcoholics Anonymous, which offers expert practical advice, teaches an acronym to guide recovery. The acronym is SOBER, which stands for “Son of a B****, everything is real.” Recovery involves surrendering the magical thinking and choosing to live in the real world, which provides satisfaction that lasts a lifetime.
PATH TO HEALING THROUGH ADDICTIONS
1) Acknowledge your suffering.
2) Recognize urges as passing thoughts.
3) Don’t act on the urges.
4) Investigate your addictive and rational minds.
5) Join a support group.
Facing your excitement-seeking and addictive behavior with compassion may open your heart to understanding your parent’s compulsion to be unfaithful. Recognizing your own emptiness may help you appreciate the emptiness that drove your parent. Eventually, your understanding will open the door to forgiveness.
EXERCISE: FOLLOWING YOUR BREATH AND THOUGHTS
We live in a culture that is dominated by noise, greed and speed. “I want it all and I want it now” is our mantra. Such expectations provide a basis for the urge to seek excitement at all costs, even to the loss of ourselves. In turn, the endless pursuit of stimulation leads to addictive behaviors. The prevalence of various addictions testifies to the powerful influence of our driven culture and the need for an alternative.
I offer guidance in the midst of the turmoil: learn to sit down, shut up and pay attention. As a regular practice I encourage exercises which are called “following your breath” and “mental noting.”
First of all, sit down. You may think you are so busy with so many projects that you have no time to sit down. If you are honest with yourself, you may discover that you are really too restless to stop your constant activities. Stopping makes you feel uncomfortable. Your mind races, unpleasant thoughts and feelings arise and you feel like jumping out of your skin. I encourage you to resist the impulse to keep running and sit still for a few moments each day. Just sit there with nothing to do. Find a comfortable, quiet place. Sit in a chair with your back straight and your feet firmly planted on the floor. Feel yourself settling into the chair and becoming still in your body. Close your eyes to remove any distractions and breathe deeply. Feel your body unwinding as you breathe consciously and deeply from the pit of your stomach.
Next, while sitting there doing nothing, shut up. It is hard enough to quiet your body; now allow your mind to quiet. Be aware of all the internal chatter that Eastern meditators refer to as the “wild monkey mind.” Just notice all the frenetic activity of your mind, the chaos of disorganized thinking. For a few moments, try not to run away with your thoughts in a million directions. Instead, feel like you are stepping back to observe the colorful parade of thoughts, feelings and sensations that seem to arise from nowhere and disappear like mist in sunlight. Notice how the thoughts, feelings and sensations come and go as if they had a mind of their own. Just observe their passing and do not hang onto them. Instead of chasing after your thoughts, focus on your breath, on the slow rhythm of inhaling and exhaling. Your breathing, which keeps you alive, is so automatic that you usually do not even notice it. Now pay close attention to your breath. As thoughts, feelings and sensations arise to distract you, gently let them pass and return your attention
