Socrates, the Greek philosopher, I ask questions to make my clients look within, to appreciate their own truth, beauty and goodness. The truth about themselves will set them free, if they will only make the effort to uncover it. Through my questions and our thoughtful explorations together, I try to impress upon them that they are not who they think they are. They are much more. In searching for the answers to these questions, I ask them to become observers of themselves and their inner worlds. In the process, I hope they gain a sense of their own transcendence, their freedom to just be themselves and escape the tyranny of the many roles they play.
1) WHAT IS YOUR TRUTH?
My questions focus on three areas that overlap in reality. First, I ask the “truth” questions. When clients sit in my office for a session, they sometimes tell me, “Nothing is going on, just the same old thing.”
Astonished, I respond, “How can that be? You may see nothing different around you but how can nothing be going on in your mind?” I ask them to talk about whatever comes to mind. If you observe your own mind closely, you immediately notice a flood of thoughts, feelings and sensations. The movement is continuous, overflowing and unstoppable. It comes from some hidden source that you experience deep inside.
Sometimes clients dismiss their own thoughts and feelings quickly, exclaiming, for example, “I wanted her to hug me. But that’s just silly, childish.” They interrupt the natural flow of their thoughts with critical judgments.
I ask my clients to be objective observers of what is going on in their minds. I invite them to be endlessly curious about what they discover and refrain from judging. Together we examine the flow of consciousness and try to understand what it is telling us. If you observe closely what emerges from your mind, the isolated thoughts will reveal patterns and repetitions. They will echo what you have heard from others and from your past. I say to my clients, “Isn’t that an interesting thought, an interesting way to look at things? How did you come to think that way?” If you stop and reflect on the various thoughts, beliefs and assumptions you have about your life, you will notice that most are not original. They come from someone else who influenced your life, likely your parents or some authority figure. Without questioning it, you came to accept on faith what was passed on to you. You never measured it against the bar of your own experience.
Look at the parade of thoughts and realize that they are relative, not absolute truths. Those thoughts may even be a distortion of reality, not corresponding to your present day experience as an adult. They are ways of thinking you inherited from childhood. If you discover a thought or belief that disturbs you, ask yourself, “Does that make sense to me now?” Ask further, “What do I believe about myself now?” Perhaps you never consulted with yourself or took your opinions seriously. If you don’t take your opinions seriously, no one else will. It may be liberating to realize that you have your own truth and are entitled to your own opinions.
2) WHERE DO YOU FIND BEAUTY?
Second, I ask about beauty. What inspires you with a sense of wonder and awe? A moment when time stood still for me was in St. Peter’s Basilica while I was gazing at the Pietà, Michelangelo’s sculpture of Mary holding a lifeless Jesus. I was transported beyond myself—inspired—and filled with an uplifting, divine spirit. At that moment, transfixed by the beauty before me, I felt a sense of communion with something greater than myself and a deep tranquility. All was well and would be well, beyond the chaos and confusion of my life. Most of us do not stop long enough to contemplate the beauty around us: a radiant sunset, a bee pollinating a flower, a look of love. When we do, we do not recognize it as a reflection of the beauty within us and every human being who walks the earth.
Most of my clients suffer from low self-esteem. They lack awareness of their own dignity. Instead, they are caught up with problems that overwhelm them and behaviors that cause shame. They see only their faults and feel pressure to prove themselves adequate. They do not stop to consider their innate beauty. Do you consider yourself a beautiful person, someone who inspires others? I am talking about both an outer and inner beauty that you desire to display to others. Have you ever asked yourself what you consider your most beautiful quality? Do you see the beauty of everyone around you, or are you preoccupied with their flaws? Do you only see your own flaws? We project onto others what we do not accept in ourselves. If you do not see your own native beauty, you will never really see it in others or in the world around you. Can you view your life as a magnificent, unfinished tapestry that the world is waiting to see? Can you see the fine strands of suffering, successes and failures as essential to the unique beauty of the design?
3) WHAT IS THE GOOD YOU SEEK?
Finally, I ask about goodness. What is the good you are aiming to create with your life? When my clients tell me that they are no-good losers, I remark, “What an interesting way to view yourself.” I follow up with two questions: “How did you come to think of yourself that way? What purpose would it serve for you to think that way?” These questions usually stop them in their tracks. We explore together the payoff in thinking of themselves as no good and useless. If you think you are a loser with nothing to give, you do not expend the energy to do anything of value. You withdraw into self-pity and ignore any sense of responsibility to make yourself and the world a better place. Low self-esteem arises from and reinforces a self-centered preoccupation. Instead, if you appreciate your own goodness, you spontaneously seek ways of sharing it.
If you stop to observe that flow of consciousness, you will immediately notice many desires, wishes and strivings. A close examination of them, again, reveals a pattern whose origin can be discerned with some analysis. You discover an emotional program, an unconscious agenda, that guides your life. It is likely you inherited that program from your parents, based on choices for or against how they lived. When you feel the inevitable conflicts in your life while pursuing your goals, you are probably not living out of your own freely chosen value system. Your inherited values clash with what you really want in life. Those moments of painful conflict are invitations to explore what is the good that directs your life. Ask yourself, as I ask my clients, “What are your deepest desires? What do you want in your life? What makes you feel alive? What kind of person do you want to be? Where do you want to go in your life?” When looking at your values more closely, I believe you will discover you want something more than the conventional mindless pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain. You search for something that gives your life enduring meaning. What would you want your obituary to read?
QUESTIONS FOR SELF-AWARENESS
1) Who am I?
2) What do I believe about myself?
3) What within me reflects the beauty of the universe?
4) What are my deepest desires?
5) What makes me feel fully alive?
Taking seriously your own opinions and desires, become aware of how much your parents’ agenda guided your life. You played roles assigned by them, not created by yourself. As you gain freedom from their dreams for you, you will liberate yourself from the anger toward them that has imprisoned you.
EXERCISE: SELF-QUESTIONING
Instead of being an actor in a play scripted by your unhappy, unfaithful parents, you can begin to direct your own life according to your own truth. In the process of finding yourself, you can develop a sense of compassion for your parents who lost their way, becoming dishonest with themselves and each other. Continuing your efforts at self-awareness, reflect deeply on some questions that may further help you wake up to yourself, to be fully present to yourself.
Ask yourself, What is going on in my life right now? Be aware
