going on around you and the stories you are telling yourself about them. Are you seeing yourself as a helpless victim at the mercy of what is happening around you? Or do you see yourself as the master of your fate, navigating through the various challenges of your life circumstances? Awareness of the influence of the conditions of your life helps you to respond consciously, rather than react mindlessly.
“Can I see my life conditions as my path to healing and wholeness?” As much as you would like to write your life script, having it turn out according to your plan, the unexpected always occurs. You did not choose your parents or a childhood marred by their infidelity. Nevertheless, your past and the present conditions help shape your life. But not entirely. You are still the author of your life, working with the material given to you. Do you see the inevitable problems you face as opportunities to awaken and exercise your freedom? While you cannot control many of the circumstances of your life, you can control your attitude toward them.
“What are my most cherished beliefs about myself and my world?” Not only the circumstances, but how you think about your life shapes the way you live it. You react automatically to events according to your emotional programming, unless you develop self-awareness. Be aware of the automatic thoughts, beliefs and assumptions that arise as you encounter difficulties. We all have beliefs that guide us through the chaos of our experience. Life is too overwhelming without these inner guides. Being aware of our beliefs gives us the opportunity to evaluate them and not make them absolute. Some beliefs may not match the reality of our life experience and need to be discarded or altered.
“What am I experiencing now?” We create a false sense of security with our beliefs about life, living out of our heads instead of out of our current experience, which is always new. Our belief system is a scaffolding that both supports us and separates us from our everyday experience. If you have suffered the trauma of your parents’ infidelity, you have likely constructed walls of beliefs, routines and roles to protect yourself from being overwhelmed by the pain. Healing will come only from allowing yourself to feel and work through the pain, and not skirting around it. Pay close attention to all that you are experiencing in the present moment, recognizing and setting aside the scaffolding of your thoughts about yourself. Listen especially to the sensations of your body that hold much of the pain you seek to avoid. Your body often knows more than your mind and can give you useful information in making decisions about your life.
Can I accept my present experience wholeheartedly? We usually relate to our lives with a divided mind, with an eye on our beliefs, expectations and wishes for how we would like it to be and an eye on our ongoing experience of the moment. The divided mind inevitably leads to conflict, confusion, indecision and pain. With a fuller awareness of your circumstances, reactions and beliefs, you can avoid the human compulsion to cling to pleasures and get rid of pain. You can avoid the tendency to judge yourself and your experience as defective and flee from it into the fantasy world of your wishes. Accepting your current experience, which is always new, wholeheartedly is the only path to healing and living a full life.
Those Who Identify with the Victim
The Vigilant Victim—Shrinking from Life
Marlene, a dark-haired beauty, came to therapy obsessing that Robert, her husband of eight years, was having an affair. The year before, while on vacation, she noticed that he paid a lot of attention to her longtime girlfriend. She confronted him angrily and he denied it vehemently. Not reassured, she could not get it out of her mind that something was going on between her husband and her best friend. She could not sleep at night, because thoughts of being betrayed whirled through her head. She had frequent nightmares of Robert in the arms of her friend. Her suspicions never left. She constantly checked his phone records and whereabouts, monitoring his schedule like a hawk. Marlene even hired a detective to follow her husband, but he reported nothing out of the ordinary. Therapy was her last resort. She lamented, “I just know my husband is having an affair, but can’t prove it—yet. I’m going out of my mind.” Despite being so tormented and convinced of his infidelity, Marlene did not want a divorce, protesting, “Then the other woman would win.”
When Marlene met Robert, their attraction was instantaneous. Marlene had endured a bitter divorce and was frightened to date until a friend introduced her to Robert. He was a calm, down-to-earth, stable man who worked hard, unlike her wild, irresponsible, abusive first husband. She saw Robert as her “knight in shining white armor” who would rescue her from all the pain of her failed relationships. She admired his strength, calm demeanor and ambitious pursuit of his goals, qualities she saw lacking in herself. Marlene, a high-strung woman, reacted intensely to any disappointments and rarely followed through with projects or jobs. She had worked as a waitress at several different restaurants and in child care. But some dispute always ended her employment, because, she claimed, “You can’t trust anyone.” Her one lifelong passion, however, was rescuing animals that had been mistreated by their owners. She claimed, “I can see myself in those poor creatures.” In contrast to Marlene’s flaky work ethic, Robert persevered at whatever was important to him and he earned a good living.
After dating only a few months, Marlene and Robert moved in together. The romance continued and they soon married. Marlene was happier than she had ever been. She felt loved and secure. Robert worked long, hard hours at his job as a sales manager, but knowing Marlene’s sensitivity, he called her often. Marlene admired his work ethic, but the long hours began to bother her more and more. She felt lonely and insisted he take more and more time off from his job to be with her. He declined, saying, “Honey, we have so many bills and I want the best for us.” Her pouting led to arguing. The arguing led to Robert withdrawing more. His withdrawing led to Marlene feeling more lonely and neglected. And the seeds of suspicion were planted: I wonder if he loves someone else.
Marlene began having nightmares that featured Robert transformed into her ex-husband. Robert’s absence provoked flashbacks of her ex-husband being with another woman. She was flooded with dread, worry and anger. Before they were married, Marlene hardly knew her first husband, Bradley. The families had arranged for them to meet and eventually marry. Marlene, who had little dating experience, just followed her parents’ program for her. Little did she know the nightmare she had entered by marrying Bradley. He expected to be the master of the house and for Marlene to be his slave. He was part owner of a family clothing store and came and went as he pleased, expecting Marlene to stay home. She felt like a prisoner. When she protested, Bradley beat her. As the beatings and threats continued, Marlene withdrew into her own miserable world of depression. She heard through the grapevine that Bradley was seeing other women and felt humiliated. When she dared confront him, he beat her. Finally, Bradley decided, after five brutal years of marriage, to leave Marlene for another woman. Marlene felt relieved, yet also lost and terrified about her future. Until she met Robert.
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