parent pretended to be a good and faithful person, but knew deep inside that he or she was living a lie. Your offended parent, perhaps picking up clues of the infidelity, wanted to know, yet did not want to know. Acknowledging the truth would have been too overwhelming and would have required decisive action. The offended parent pretended to the world and to him or herself that everything was okay. Your parents likely kept secrets and lied to you about the affair, just to protect you from the overwhelming truth of the betrayal. As a child, you watched this game being played out, not understanding the rules and wondering what was true and real. You were left confused, not knowing whom or what to trust.
Remember what it was like for you as a child when you placed all of your trust in your parents. You counted on them to guide and protect you. You looked up to them as role models. Little did you know what was simmering beneath the façade of normality they created. And you believed them that everything was okay, even though you witnessed some arguing and felt the tension in the home. That was all normal to you. After all, what you grow up with you come to believe is normal. Isn’t everyone’s home just like mine?
When the bombshell of your parent’s affair is dropped, your faith in them, yourself and your perception of the world is shattered. Your sense of security in knowing what is true and real is lost. Your mother is not the kind, loving, faithful person you imagined her to be. When you see your father depressed and outraged, you wonder if he is really the strong person you thought you could always count on. Your parents taught you to be honest and truthful and now their marriage is exposed as a big lie. You imagined your home as a safe and secure place and your parents always reassured you that it was. Now you don’t know if you can trust anything they say. You doubt your faith in what you thought was true.
Your parents’ cover-up planted seeds of deceit and mistrust in you that would flower in adulthood. To survive the trauma of betrayal, the insecurity of not knowing what is true and real, you look for a safe haven. Not trusting that the world of intimate relationships can offer security, you create a sense of safety in competent activity. Your parents may have told you that you were talented in some way, perhaps intelligent, hard-working or creative. So you put your energy into developing that talent and work hard at it. Feeling insecure and unsure of yourself deep down, you begin to feel good about yourself through a sense of accomplishment. People recognize your abilities and praise you for what you accomplish. You feel proud, somehow making up for the travesty of your parents’ failed marriage.
As much as you gain by immersing yourself in your chosen field of activity, something important is lost. In performing so well, you become an actor who so identifies with his role that he forgets who he really is. You lose yourself in the image you are creating. Furthermore, you become married to your work, have an affair with your job and abandon your partner. Without knowing it, you learn to identify with the deceitful betrayer by hiding your true self.
What are some signs of a tendency to hide your true self, instead finding your sense of self-worth and identity in your work?
AM I AN EMOTIONAL ACTOR?
• Am I overly sensitive about what others think of me?
• Do I have a strong need for recognition and approval?
• Do I like to perform before an audience?
• Am I driven by a sense of achievement?
• Does my self-esteem rise and fall according to how others see me?
• Do I thrive on competition and fear failure more than anything?
• Am I extremely conscious of my image?
• Am I willing to lie to make myself look good?
• Is it important for me to create a favorable impression?
• Do I tend to lose myself in my work?
• Do I believe that love comes from what I produce, rather than from who I am?
• Do I tend to focus on the positive and overlook the negative?
• Do I often set aside my feelings to get the job done?
• Am I uncertain about what I really feel in many situations?
• Am I a vain person?
PATH OF HEALING: BE TRANSPARENT TO YOURSELF
When people come to me for therapy, they are suffering and look to me as an expert in pain relief. Often, they ask me, “What can I do so I don’t feel so bad?” Or they may ask more specific questions: “What should I do about my marriage—stay or leave?” They look to me for the answer. They have exhausted themselves trying to work out the problem with their own resources and hope that I can provide the solution. I may be their last hope.
My response initially causes them dismay, “Who do you think knows best what you need to do? Who is the expert on you?”
“I know I should be the expert and know what I need,” they say.
I encourage them, “Perhaps we can discover what keeps you from recognizing what is best for you.” Busy people especially do not want to waste time. They want quick answers and a clear plan of action to solve their problems. They often squirm in their chairs when I suggest, “I want you to just pause and pay attention to yourself. And we’ll talk about it in our sessions.”
My clients, after many years of pain and frustration because they feel so stuck in their dilemmas, want me to cure them by providing some magical solution quickly. However, I do not see myself as the expert answer man, but as a man of many questions, like Socrates. I invite them to explore a fascinating world that they have ignored most of their lives: the inner workings of their minds. By looking outside themselves rather than inside, they have become stuck. Their distance from themselves has become the source of much of their suffering, although they may not be consciously aware of it. So I ask questions that will help them to become acquainted with themselves and explore their own unacknowledged wisdom. Truth, goodness and beauty lie within them, close to their hearts, if they will only come to recognize them.
My clients, especially the hard-working ones, want to know how they can change themselves, get rid of the behaviors, thoughts and feelings they do not like. They want direction and a recipe for change. I tell them, “You have it all wrong, backward, inside out.” I explain that they want to manipulate themselves by working from the outside in, changing their behaviors in order to change their hearts. Instead, the process of change and growth is an inside-out job which involves acknowledging and releasing the natural power and goodness within them. Change comes through self-awareness and self-acceptance at a deep level. It involves surrendering to the unrecognized power within yourself.
I tell my clients my view of therapy: “I do not see therapy as some self-improvement project, a way to create a better version of yourself. Instead, I view it as a way to come to know and accept yourself as you are, not as you wish yourself to be. Together we explore what keeps you from knowing and accepting yourself as good enough.”
Most of my clients see themselves as somehow defective and hopelessly entangled in problems. They feel helpless and hopeless, lacking resources to work out their problems. They feel imprisoned by the circumstances of their lives, unable to escape. I present an alternative vision, that they are a wondrous mystery to be explored and relished, not a problem to be solved. I invite them to undertake a journey of exploration with me to a little-known and fascinating land with untold riches. I invite them to travel beneath the surface to the center of their lives from which all their hopes, desires and values arise. They hold the keys to their
