it is to focus on one thing, like your breath, but persevere. As you relax while breathing, calmness will slowly fill your mind and body. It will not happen immediately, but with practice the calmness will deepen.
Once you are still and quiet for several minutes, you can begin to pay closer attention to what arises within your consciousness. Shift from focusing on your breath, which helped to calm you, to noticing the activity of your mind as an observer. Sit back and watch. What do you see? You likely notice subtle thoughts, feelings and sensations that arise from deep within you, from some unknown source. You may be amazed at the variety and confusion of your mental activity. You may also notice how you spontaneously try to organize and make sense of the thoughts, feelings and sensations. You formulate stories in your head. You may begin to recognize patterns in the stories, which you take as firm beliefs about your reality. The stories may clash and contradict each other. Just notice them without analyzing anything, because your analyzing is just another series of thoughts about your thoughts.
This daily exercise in following your breath and mental noting is a way of becoming acquainted with yourself. Perform this practice for twenty minutes each day and see how relaxed you can become and what you learn about yourself. I suspect you will discover that you are infinitely more than just your thoughts and feelings about yourself and your world.
The Disengaged Workaholic—Being an Actor in a Play
Marcy grew up Daddy’s little girl. Her father never hid his desire that he had wanted his first-born to be a boy. His disappointment at Marcy’s birth was evident to those who knew him but hidden from those outside the family circle. As Marcy grew up and displayed extraordinary intelligence and talent, he grew attached to his daughter, developing the ambition to nurture her talents. Marcy loved her father and wanted to please him more than anything. She became his constant companion on weekends as he did chores around the house and ran errands. She listened attentively to his words of advice and guidance and complied with all his wishes.
Marcy’s mother was a fun-loving, sociable woman who spent a good deal of time at parties. She was not around the house much. So Marcy gravitated to her father as if he were a single parent. Her father owned a small factory that produced auto parts. His energy and ingenuity made that small enterprise into a thriving business. He had the ambition that one day Marcy would run the business and he carefully prepared her for the job. Occasionally, he took her to work with him to show her off and introduce her to his business. The employees doted on her, remarking how much she looked and acted like her father.
In school, encouraged by her parents, Marcy worked hard and achieved good grades. Her father would not accept anything less than an A for any class and Marcy’s name regularly occupied the top of the honor roll. Her skills were not limited to the classroom. Marcy was an accomplished tennis player, winning several tournaments in high school. Her proud parents attended every big match, bragging about their intelligent, athletic daughter. With her exuberant personality, Marcy had many friends and was a member of the “popular” group at school. In recognition of her overall ability and popularity, she was elected senior class president and graduated as valedictorian.
Marcy went away to college at a prestigious university to pursue a degree in business and marketing. Her father’s plan for her was unfolding just as he wanted. Marcy threw herself into her studies with enthusiasm, willingly following her father’s dreams. She graduated, as expected, at the top of her class. Her father had her work in his company’s office, preparing her to take over the role of vice president of the growing business.
While in college, Marcy fell in love with John, a fun-loving guy much like her mother. John took Marcy to parties and taught her to laugh and have fun. He was a carefree student who did just enough to get by. Marcy didn’t care, because she believed she had enough ambition for both of them. After college, John worked for a large corporation selling mortgages, while Marcy began working in her father’s business. A year later, when both were established in their careers, they were married in a lavish ceremony that dominated the society page.
While dating, Marcy had made it clear to John that she intended to be a career person and he agreed. True to her word, Marcy threw herself into her work at the factory and advanced to the position of vice president. As her father neared retirement, he passed more and more of the responsibilities and control of the company to Marcy. She thrived on work and seeing the fruit of her labors in expanding the business beyond what her father had ever achieved. Her father beamed with pride at her accomplishments. John also enjoyed the fruits of Marcy’s labors, especially the lavish lifestyle it afforded them. He did not take his work nearly as seriously as Marcy did. He did what he needed to do to get by, particularly enjoying golf outings with clients. John became an avid golfer, spending most of his free time at the country club they had joined. When their two daughters were born, Marcy took a brief maternity leave and then hired a nanny to care for their children. Keeping the business growing and maintaining their lifestyle were her main priorities.
Being so preoccupied with work, Marcy did not recognize the growing distance in her relationship with John. When he complained about her absence, she responded, “You certainly enjoy the lifestyle I’m providing.” He grew quiet, immersing himself even more in his hobbies and social life at the club. Marcy became married to her job and John felt like an outsider. Eventually, the loneliness became too much for him. John began a secret affair with the hostess at the club. John thought he was discrete, but soon became careless in leaving a hotel receipt in his pants pocket. When Marcy discovered it, all hell broke loose and they began therapy to put the pieces back together.
John and Marcy both admitted that they had lost the connection they enjoyed in college. John still admired Marcy’s energy and drive but felt neglected emotionally. Marcy could no longer laugh and have fun with John, because she resented and secretly envied his casual and carefree life. Exploring her childhood in depth, Marcy realized how much she had lived her father’s dream for her and neglected to consider what she wanted for herself. She remembered him bringing her to a bar on many occasions where he met with an attractive woman he identified as a good friend. Her father cautioned, “But don’t tell your mother about her, because she would not understand. This is our little secret, just between you and me.”
Marcy kept that secret for years. She felt a sense of loyalty to her father, who had given her so much. However, she was also angry with him for making her an accomplice in the betrayal of her mother. Guilt gnawed away at her. To relieve the guilt and shame, she worked hard to prove her own worth, pushing herself relentlessly. She became addicted to striving for the success her father desired for her, losing a sense of intimacy with herself and others.
One day, disillusioned and exhausted with her chase after success at work, she told John, “Let’s take a long vacation. Work can survive without me. I love you and want to rebuild our life together.”
CHILDHOOD CONNECTION: LIVING IN A HOUSE OF LIES
When parents are unfaithful, their children dwell in a house of lies. The most harmful aspect of the affair is not the sexual encounter itself but the web of deceit to hide it, in total disregard for the truth and the partner’s feelings. Affairs live in the dark, avoiding the light of exposure. The unfaithful partner lives a double life. What is visible to the family and the public is the pretense of a committed relationship. What is hidden is a secret life of passion with another. When the betrayal comes to light, as it inevitably does, the lies are revealed. The house collapses under the weight of the deceit.
Your parents played a confusing game of hide and seek with the truth, with each other, with themselves and with you. Your unfaithful parent hid
