his behavior, but realized the harm he was causing himself and his family. He was determined to stop.
Ken had always had happy memories of his childhood. “It was normal, just like everyone else’s,” he insisted. Both his parents worked and provided well for him and his younger sister. They lacked for nothing, and everyone seemed to get along. After some time in therapy with gentle probing, some unhappy memories and a different picture of his childhood emerged. Ken felt alone and without much guidance growing up. His parents were unaffectionate and preoccupied with their own business. Ken remembered his mother was often lonely and bored, because his father worked long hours. She began to drink heavily to escape her boredom and went out to bars where she met men for one-night stands. His parents often argued about her going out, each blaming the other for their unhappiness. Ken could not stand the fighting and constant tension. To cope, he distracted himself outside the home in the pursuit of his adventures. “I just kept myself busy so I wouldn’t think about what was going on at home. I went to parties every weekend,” he explained. Keeping busy became a way of life for him. Sex became his tranquilizer.
“I’m sick and tired of all the hiding and games,” he admitted. Facing his shame, he walked into a Sex Addicts’ Anonymous meeting and began the journey toward recovery.
CHILDHOOD CONNECTION: LIVING WITH HIGH DRAMA
When a betrayal occurs in a family, powerful emotions are aroused. The home atmosphere is one of intense excitement, which is contagious. The offended parent becomes enraged, depressed and worried. The unfaithful parent becomes guilt-ridden and defensive. Emotions are often buried, simmering beneath the surface of a calm façade and erupting periodically like a fireworks display. The atmosphere around the home is alternatively chilly and heated, but always hostile. No one can anticipate when an outburst will occur or what crazy behavior will follow. The children watch the drama as participants fully engaged in the unfolding tragedy.
As your parents were caught up in their drama, they probably lost themselves in their struggle. Surviving the betrayal, with all the uncertainty it created, consumed an enormous amount of energy. Their lives were falling apart and they had to figure out how to keep it all together. Unfortunately for you as a child, you received the leftovers of their time, energy and attention. Your parents were in a fight for the survival of their emotional well-being, their broken marriage and the disrupted family. They were in a life-or-death struggle, having to decide the future of their marriage and the family. In the midst of this all-consuming struggle, you felt the pain of their emotional absence and longed for the security of the “good old days.”
As a child, you were a helpless participant in the drama that your parents created. You did not choose the stage or write the script. Yet you were forced to assume a role just to survive. That role was determined both by your temperament and the circumstances. If you were so disposed, you may have been caught up in their excitement, thus becoming an excitement junkie. Just to survive the chaos, you embraced it, got used to it and thought of it as normal. In fact, you may have come to enjoy the stimulation, which made you feel alive. The ordinary life most people live came to seem dull and boring. You internalized the drama and came to love the stage with all its demands for performance. Without knowing it, you developed an aversion to ordinary daily routines.
Excitement-seeking and emotional deprivation created fertile ground for developing an addiction later in life. In fact, one or both of your parents may have become addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, eating or shopping to cope with the chaos and confusion of their lives, providing you with a negative role model. We know that there is a strong genetic component to addictions, which you inherited if either of your parents had an addiction. Consequently, you were prone to develop your own addiction as a way of filling the void of your emotionally-deprived childhood. Chasing the high with alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or another compulsive behavior provided the burst of stimulation you were accustomed to growing up.
One of the characteristics of addictions is that they tend to come in clusters. People rarely have one addiction, but tend to be addicted to several different substances and engage in a variety of compulsive behaviors. Without knowing it, you return to the familiar drama of your childhood in pursuing the addictive behaviors, creating a chaos you know all too well. But now you are the author of the tragedy you are living.
The intense, unresolved conflicts and fighting in your parents’ marriage made a deep impression on you. You developed a fear of emotional closeness with another person. You learned that you could not depend on anyone else to be there for you. Your drug of choice provides a substitute intimacy in which you imagine you are in control. Your drug is always there for you, giving you the emotional high you need whenever you want. It allows you to escape painful reality when you feel the need. It gives you an intense high that humdrum daily life cannot match. You develop a love affair with your drug of choice, whether it is a chemical or a behavior. Over time, you develop the unshakable belief that you need your drug to be happy.
When you have a love affair with your drug of choice, whatever it happens to be, you withdraw from your intimate relationship. You may not intend to hurt your partner, but the harm is real, both to yourself and your loved one. As the addiction deepens, your life becomes more centered on the pursuit of your drug, leaving your partner on the outside. Your spouse feels the pain of your absence, as much as you try to hide it. And you become increasingly possessed by a sense of shame and guilt. Without knowing it, in excitement-seeking and addictive behavior you distance yourself in your intimate relationship and identify with your unfaithful parent.
What are some of the signs you are prone to seeking excitement and addictive behavior?
AM I ADDICTED TO BEING ADDICTED?
• Am I easily bored?
• Do I crave excitement or seek adventure?
• Do people see me as a charming person?
• Am I dissatisfied with the old, thus constantly seeking the new?
• Am I restless or do I have difficulty sitting still?
• Is my mind always busy planning and preparing for the future?
• Do I have the sense that I can never have enough?
• Do I have an excess of energy?
• Am I a glutton for new experiences?
• Do I like to stay emotionally high?
• Do I like to keep a lot of options open and not settle on one thing?
• Do I tend to avoid conflict in relationships?
• Do I always have backup plans for whatever I am doing?
• Do I have difficulty relaxing?
• Do I have difficulty enjoying the simple pleasures in life?
PATH OF HEALING: LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD
We live in a society that encourages us to seek happiness in all the wrong places. One of the most confusing messages it preaches regards addiction. While condemning those who abuse drugs, modern society promotes values that lead to addictive behavior. As a recipe for happiness, it encourages an “I want it all and I want it now” way of living. We’re told to “live the dream.” But the wholehearted pursuit of that fantasy turns into a nightmare.
Dissect for a moment that statement: “I want it all and I want it now.” It is about “I,” focusing on self-fulfillment above all else, even a loving concern for others, which can only result in isolation and loneliness. It also encourages the uninhibited
