of those desires? Physical comfort and ease. You seek pleasure and avoid pain, without consideration for meaning and higher values. The statement promotes the single-minded, self-centered pursuit of “all.” No half measures here. “Accept no limits” can only lead to disappointment and frustration when you have inevitable collisions with reality. Regarding time, it is “now,” with no delays, no waiting and instantaneous results. How is this promise of happiness to be fulfilled in the real world? It can’t be. However, addictive behaviors, which provide a quick fix, satisfy the fantasy.
Addictions are more widespread than you may imagine. Anything you do that you know is harmful, yet cannot stop yourself from doing, possesses an addictive quality. You feel powerless over the behavior. Chemical dependency on alcohol or other drugs falls under this category. Changes in brain chemistry stimulate almost irresistible urges to use the substance. Compulsive behaviors, such as sexual acting out, gambling, shopping and overeating are also experienced as uncontrollable. The strength of habit makes the behavior persistent beyond any useful purpose. Finally, mood states such as anger, worry and sadness and their accompanying negative, self-defeating thinking can be intoxicating. Temperament and emotional programming from childhood govern many of our mood states.
When I meet with people who are addicted, they are inevitably overwhelmed by feelings of shame, guilt and despair. They also feel helpless to control themselves. They may hate themselves for what they are doing but feel powerless to stop it. They have reached the end of their rope, disillusioned by the promised happiness of their addictive behavior. These feelings may not be immediately evident, but they are just below the surface and soon emerge in treatment. I offer them hope that recovery is always possible—no matter how severe the problem—and that facing the addiction can be a path to new life, enlightenment and a freedom never imagined. Addressing addiction requires several steps:
1) ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR SUFFERING.
Recovery begins with honest recognition of the suffering it is causing you and those you care about. Addiction is so powerful that no one gives it up until they believe that the trouble it brings outweighs the benefits. The benefits of the addiction, with its good feelings, pain relief and relaxation, are so enchanting that it is extremely difficult to give up its pleasures. Nothing can replace the intense pleasure of being high. Unfortunately, it often takes a catastrophe for the addicted person to wake up to the trouble it is causing. He may have to be arrested for drunk driving, be divorced by his spouse, lose his job or experience a financial crisis. It may take years for the trouble to accumulate enough to get the addicted person’s attention. The accumulated losses to his well-being may be devastating.
2) RECOGNIZE THE EMPTINESS OF YOUR URGES.
Second, recognize your urges and the patterns of their rise and fall. The urges are really “have to” thoughts about using your drug, engaging in your compulsion or indulging your obsession. Physical discomfort may accompany the idea that it is urgent to act in a particular way. However, the urges come and go and, as you become more acquainted with yourself, you will learn their inner and outer triggers. They often signal underlying distress. Observe carefully when and where the urges arise and grow in intensity. What is the physical sensation? What is your mood at the time? What were you thinking about? Observing your urges carefully, you can learn much about yourself and your vulnerabilities. For example, when you are angry or anxious, you may want to comfort yourself with alcohol, food or pornography. Notice the situations that provoke rage reactions or worry in you. Awareness of your urges and their patterns can be a beneficial avenue of self-awareness, a way of learning about your vulnerabilities. When you learn about your sensitivities and inclinations to escape through your addictive behavior, you can begin to develop alternative ways of responding.
You may mistakenly think that urges express deep physical needs that must be satisfied for you to survive. You think you will die, or something terrible will happen to you, if you do not give in to the urge. That urge may be so powerful that it seems to be a life-or-death matter for you. In reality, your addiction is mainly in your mind. I refer to addictive thoughts as “thought bubbles” to express their emptiness. These thoughts gain power over you to the extent that you give them importance. You cannot control the rise and fall of these urges. However, you have control over how much weight you give them.
3) ACCEPT, DON’T ACT ON THE URGES.
Third, accept the urges for what they are, mere thoughts, and do not act on them. You do not have to fight them or try to control them. Just let them be. It may seem that they are so intense and so long-lasting that they will not pass. They always do, if you are patient enough with yourself to ride the wave. Most of all, resist the temptation to act on the urges. You cannot control their coming and going. It is futile to try. The effort to stop them will only lead to frustration and a sense of defeat. Whether you believe it or not, while you have no control over the urges, you do have control over your behavior. As enslaved as you feel, you are still free to choose how to act.
4) KNOW YOUR OWN MIND.
Fourth, become acquainted with both your addictive and rational minds. I see addiction as primarily a disease of the mind. The word “addiction” comes from the same root word as “dictator.” Distorted thoughts rule the mind. If you discover you have an addiction to a chemical, a behavior or a mood, recovery proceeds by becoming acquainted with your addictive way of thinking and awakening your rational mind. You may hear echoes of your own addictive thinking in the following statements:
“I can stop using my drug (or doing the compulsive behavior or indulging my mood) any time I want.” When you are trapped in an addiction, hanging on for dear life, you are usually the last person to acknowledge your problem. Those who know you and love you realize long before you do that you are in trouble and need help. You rationalize your behavior, deny any problem and blame others for being the cause of your misery. You may even try to prove to others and yourself that you can control it with brief periods of abstinence (during Lent, for example).
The truth is that in trying so desperately to control your mood with your drug of choice, you have lost control of yourself. It is not the drug but your desire for it that possesses you. Your greed for the pleasure the drug or compulsive behavior offers rules you. You are attached to the familiarity of the mood state. The primary symptom of any addiction is loss of control over your desires. You continue the behavior despite all the problems it causes you and those you love.
“I can’t stop using my drug (or doing the compulsive behavior or indulging my mood).” Once you acknowledge your addiction, you may feel helpless and think you have no control over your behavior. The truth is you may not care to stop, for good reason. You experience great benefits from getting high. The benefits for you are so great that you overlook the problems the addiction is causing. So why stop? You will only stop when you look realistically at what your addiction is doing to you and your loved ones. Your rational mind possesses more power than you imagine. Listen to it and act on it.
“I can’t stand the pain, and my drug gives me relief.” Many use drugs or repetitive behaviors to self-medicate pain they believe is intolerable. Again, you only imagine your lack of strength to endure pain and have a false belief that only your drug can provide you with adequate relief. Listening to your rational mind will give you another story. First of all, pain and suffering are an inevitable part of life. Second, pain serves a useful purpose. It alerts you to a problem. Imagine what our lives would be like if we never experienced physical pain. You may immediately think that would be paradise. But think again. If you injured yourself, like putting your hand on a hot stove, and never felt the pain, you would continue the harmful behavior. Eventually, you would suffer irreparable damage. Pain, both physical and emotional, alerts you to danger and serves a survival purpose. Your rational mind tells you to pay attention to what is causing you pain and do something about it. Instead of covering up the pain, it makes more sense to understand what is causing it and then take action to find lasting
