scene of being alone and hungry, then crying herself into oblivion.
This is a different type of abuse than many people experience. This is the abuse and trauma of severe neglect: a young baby with nobody there to care for her or to address her very simple need to survive. We call this need shock and we will discuss it later on. When basic survival needs are not addressed, the baby will often stop crying and just exist in a state of shock. The baby is quiet and has run away to the circus at this very young age, because staying in the real world is unbearable. This shock defense at such a young age is probably what kept her alive, but later on became a pattern that nearly killed her. And that is the irony of the shock defense. She eats herself into oblivion just to feel alive, in an attempt to meet these basic survival needs for comfort and to quench the overwhelming pain of deep emptiness and hunger within that she’s had since childhood. And now the obesity is killing her! What was a protector has become a saboteur.
THE TATTOOED MAN
He is covered in designs, which are distractions from seeing what is underneath; tattoos make him appear not to be naked. The tattoos are intricate designs, sometimes beautiful or sometimes scary, but always captivating. The tattoos are not really part of this man, although they seem to be. The tattoos are an elaborate, superficial disguise that says, “Go ahead and get lost in the anecdotes and minutiae of what I present to you; you’ll never know the real me, because I’m hiding behind a maze of mirrors.” The tattooed man decorates himself to attract others, and yet at the same time to deflect their attention.
THE MUSCLE MAN
He can guarantee safety because nobody messes with him. He is proud of his power and demonstrates it at every opportunity. In fact, he may tend to belittle others or bully them because it is a way of showing off. He spends an inordinate amount of time training and developing his power as well as trying to impress others with it. He always feels like he is competing with others and wants to be “one up” on everyone, belying an unacknowledged insecurity deep beneath the macho façade.
THE CONTORTIONIST
She can make herself small enough to fit into a tiny space. She is double-jointed, and will bend over backwards to accommodate someone else’s requests or demands. In fact, she bends in ways that most people won’t or can’t. Her strength is the agility to compromise like a chameleon.
THE SWORD SWALLOWER
He willingly takes into himself what is obviously self-injurious. He knows that he can withstand the assault as long as he stifles any natural reflex or reaction, disconnecting from his body in order to use it for performance.
THE MAGICIAN
He is a master of sleight of hand, able to mystify others with his razzle dazzle, diverting attention from his trickery that creates the illusions. He alludes to a connection with higher forces and access to supernatural gifts, but in fact employs cheap gimmicks and tawdry tricks. The magician sometimes falls into the trap of believing his own publicity, forgetting that he is merely mortal and entirely fallible.
THE RINGMASTER
She is in control of everything: all three rings at once. She is a master of multi-tasking and appears capable of managing the chaos all around her with ease. She feels most at home with high drama, dazzling spectacle and a dizzying array of activities. She has learned to manage everyone in her life by selectively calling attention to one or two at a time. She shines a spotlight on the loudest noise, the flashiest act or the most demanding character. And then she redirects the spotlight to the next drama. In this way, she can be the center of attention without actually revealing anything about herself.
THE CLOWN
Clowns are very powerful. Some use gallows humor in order to keep everyone laughing and to distract them from noticing the clown’s deep pain of loneliness or despair. Other clowns are sad and dejected, downtrodden and bullied or sneaky and mischievous. But in each case, the clowning is distraction to cover up a fear of intimacy, which feels too risky without the buffer of clowning around.
THE TRAPEZE ARTIST
She thrives on the thrill of freefall between letting go of one stable and secure home base and attaching to the next. She relies on her excellent sense of timing to avoid the disgrace and danger of falling. And she also must rely on her fellow trapeze artists to catch her when the time comes, and to hang on tight. When she becomes truly accomplished at this feat, she may be tempted to perform without a net in order to add more suspense. She can often be found flying high above the mundane details of most ordinary lives, dazzling other people with her extraordinary adventures. For this reason, she is actually quite dependent on those others to catch her when she falters.
THE TIGHTROPE WALKER
He keeps everyone looking up (away from what is really going on down below), fearing catastrophe but bringing relief when he makes it. He has learned to “walk a tightrope” between disasters on either side, and his movement is intensely constricted. He feels right at home in situations and relationships that demand concentration to navigate, and that allow no deviation from the “straight and narrow.” The balance is precarious, and even the slightest tilt one way or the other would be disastrous. The balancing wires are almost invisible, so everyone believes the fantasy of his death-defying feat.
An example of this character is Ashley, a woman who came to us from a very conservative religious community. Ashley is the mother of three children, two boys and a girl. She was in a very dysfunctional marriage that began early in her life to a man from the church to which her family belongs. Her parents were behind the marriage and as a young woman, she felt she was pushed into this almost “arranged marriage.” As she began to develop in her personal and professional life, she realized that being married to Fred was like having a fourth child. He was emotionally immature, unable to bring home a decent salary, and he floundered around in his life about what he wanted to be when he “grows up.”
Ashley has known for quite some time that she is gay. She had no interest in sex with her husband, or any man for that matter. She has had several encounters with women about which she carries a great deal of shame and guilt, especially living in such a conservative community. She is realizing that she has grown up in shock due to fearing a very violent father and seeing a terrified mother, who herself was in a great deal of shock. The main way that Ashley has come to know herself is through hypnotherapy and Jungian dream work. Her dreams over the years have clearly indicated that she has a deep, dark secret buried beneath the surface, which she does not want to face or even look at.
At an early age, she learned to walk the tightrope between having her deep needs for love and nurturing from a woman met in secret and keeping up the pretense of being devoutly religious in a conservative community. Her affairs with women were usually started by the other woman, so Ashley was able to justify to herself that she didn’t instigate the relationship. She also walked the tightrope, carefully balancing between her desperate need for love and appearing to maintain her image as a married woman, a devoted mother and a consistent churchgoer.
As the years went on, Ashley had a successful psychology practice. Her training, based on self-examination and personal growth, led her to finally release her shame and admit, first to herself and then to others, that she was gay. Next she was able to reveal that her marriage was a sham and that her children had been raised believing in lies; the lies that, as they got older, became more and more clear to them. She could no longer participate in the rigidity and shaming atmosphere of her church and her community. She could no longer keep up the pretense of being a
