loquare absenti amico (Speak no evil of an absent friend).
- Titus Maccius Plautus, Trinummus IV, c. 190 BC
My definition of gossip is speaking ill of someone who’s not present. It’s not gossip to praise someone who’s not there, nor is it gossip to criticise someone to their face.
Gossip is probably the most common form of triangulated communication, which is usually a recipe for trouble. In triangulated communication, person A speaks to person C about an issue he or she has with person B instead of trying to solve the matter directly with person B, thus creating a triangle. Usually person A is seeking validation and/or sympathy. You can hear this going on any day if you sit on a bus or train and listen to the phone conversations around you: in my experience, the vast majority involve gossip in this fashion.
Gossip is seductive, and so common that we tend to become desensitised to it; it has become normal and acceptable. It’s a multi-million-dollar business too, from the obvious specialists like celebrity magazines, TV shows, blogs and YouTube channels to the subtler instances in many quality media.
Gossips are superficially popular and it’s tempting to listen in, especially if we’re in a group who are all indulging. Nevertheless, everyone knows that the moment we leave, a gossip is likely to be speaking about us in exactly the same lurid, critical terms that were just being applied to someone else. Gossips are not credible; much of what they say is unsubstantiated and even malicious; often it is twisted or exaggerated for greater effect, producing a ‘Chinese whispers’ effect that amplifies stories whilst insisting that every detail is true.
Exercise: Gossip abstinence
If you indulge in gossiping, try abstaining, initially for a short period. It may be that you can commit to do this for a day, or even a week, to start with. Be conscientious: this may involve not reading magazines, watching your usual TV, accessing your favourite blogs or website, and even not seeing certain friends or colleagues or walking away from some conversations. You can usually make an excuse to do so without letting people know what you’re doing – or you could enrol some of your associates in the game and make it easier by holding one another accountable.
This is non-trivial and may even be impossible for you, but even if you don’t achieve 100 percent abstinence you will give yourself a chance to break the habit and set a new baseline.
CONDEMNING
There are no 2 words in the English language more harmful than ‘good job.’
- Terence Fletcher in Whiplash
Do you know anyone who habitually condemns or finds fault, for whom nothing is ever good enough, like the monstrous character Terence Fletcher as brilliantly portrayed by JK Simmons in the film Whiplash?
I feel for anyone who grew up with such a parent – the kind who, when their child scores 95 per cent in a test, demands to know what happened to the other 5. It becomes wearing to be around someone whose listening is always for defects and failure, and whose speaking is endless castigation and condemnation.
Of course, we must condemn evil. As John Stuart Mill said in 1867: “Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.”
However, like the other 6 sins, this is a habit we can fall into if our default position becomes critical and condemnatory. It pays to check-in and ask the question: am I over-critical? Do I give praise where it’s due? Do I naturally give compliments? When is the last time I praised my family? My team or direct reports at work? My friends?
If your honest check-in reveals that you tend to be critical rather than encouraging by default, try this exercise.
Exercise: Praising
Buy a notebook or use a spreadsheet or notes app. Make a page or sheet for each of the people closest to you – family, friends and workmates could all be included – and then set a routine at the end of each day to log in one column instances when you condemn or criticise them and in another column instances when you praise, encourage or compliment them.
After a few weeks, your behaviour will change as this feedback reveals the weight of your interactions. You may then wish to set yourself targets for praising until it becomes more and more natural and the condemning habit has been replaced by a more neutral stance where you give praise and criticism when they are appropriate, rather than condemning by rote.
NEGATIVITY
Next door to habitual condemnation is constant negativity. I told a true personal story to illustrate this in my TED talk. My mother suffered from dementia in the last years of her life, and this intensified an already somewhat pessimistic outlook. Her world view became entirely negative, even on days when she was completely lucid. I went to visit her in hospital one-day when she was recovering from a small fracture, bringing with me her favourite newspaper. As I handed it to her, I said “Oh look, it’s October the first today.” She replied: “I know, isn’t it awful?” If the date is awful, what hope is there? I tried to make a joke of it, but I knew inside that she was serious; as time passed, it became harder and harder to bring her out of the dark into any sort of light, and it made being in her company emotionally draining.
It is simply debilitating to stay around someone who is highly negative. We might say brightly: “What a lovely morning!” only to be dampened with “It’s going to rain later.” When this dynamic is repeated endlessly, it’s like trying to push water uphill: our positive energy becomes sapped and we end up feeling low as well. The only solution is to leave for a while to recharge.
Exercise: watch NOT
Check-in and ask yourself if the word NOT crops up regularly in your speaking. Any sentence including that word is likely to be negative: some people I have met unconsciously inject the word in almost every utterance. If in doubt, ask a friend or record some of your conversations to check. Encouraging people are easier to listen to!
COMPLAINING
Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.
- Og Mandino
I’m a Brit so I know this one very well! Complaining is our national pastime, although fairness compels me to add that this habit does generally overlay a bulldog spirit that still exists today: we may complain, but we do tend to knuckle down when required.
Not all complaining is a sin. If a restaurant serves you a bad dish or if a person or institution fails to deliver on a promise, complain! If you can change anything you don’t like, it’s right and proper to take action and that often starts with complaining.
The kind of complaining I’m suggesting you pay attention to is the useless kind: complaining about the weather, the government, your neighbour, your sports team… anything that’s beyond your capacity or your willingness to change. If you can change it, act. If you can’t change it or you won’t act, complaining is simply viral misery, infecting the person you are complaining to with your own negative emotion.
This kind of complaining can become an unconscious habit. Do you know an inveterate complainer – someone who moans about just about everything; someone for whom nothing seems to be right? It’s hard to be around such a person, and hard to listen to them for any extended period.
Exercise: Gratitude
If you have fallen into the habit of complaining, sit down with a piece of paper and write
