later, I learned that even our therapist felt attached to her pain. She was going through a messy divorce that she vehemently opposed even though her husband had a history of beating her. Attachment is an equal-opportunity instinct and often ignores all reason.
The moment we decide things don't have to be a certain way, we create the possibility that they could be better than we know to imagine them.
Another interesting thing about attachment is that even when our target appears to be positive, sometimes it's a detrimental and limiting choice. We often attach to things we think we need without realizing the feelings it evokes aren't specific to that thing. Love doesn't exist only in one relationship. Fulfillment doesn't require a specific job. Happiness doesn't depend on re-creating a past condition. Security doesn't hinge upon controlling the future and shaping it exactly as we visualize. Our grandmothers may also have advised that, often, the best things in life take us completely by surprise. As the Dalai Lama said, “Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” One of the most popular posts on TinyBuddha.com is fewer than one hundred words but has received more than eleven thousand Stumbles. It reads:
Opportunity often hides in the most unlikely places, but it isn't easy to see it when you're disappointed life didn't meet your expectations. Michael Jordan's high school coach cut him from the basketball team, which may have pushed him to work harder and become an NBA superstar. Soichiro Honda wanted to be an engineer at Toyota until he was rejected, inspiring him to start his own company. You never know when a disappointment might pave the path for something great. What wonderful stroke of luck have you had lately, and what can you do to benefit from it?
I suspect this one struck a nerve with people because it rarely feels safe to detach from a want, and yet some of the best things in life come from choosing to let go. The moment we decide things don't have to be a certain way, we create the possibility that they could be better than we know to imagine them. That doesn't mean we shouldn't want things; it just means we can experience a lot more joy if we learn to want without fearing. It is possible to visualize a goal and work toward it, and simultaneously know that even if it doesn't pan out, we can still experience happiness. Attachment is assuming we know precisely what has to happen for life to become and stay good. Detachment is a commitment to strive and then accept that whatever happens, we can make it good. One resists the undeniable reality that life is uncontrollable and everything within it impermanent; the other gives us the permission to flourish even as we know those things are true.
TURN THE PAIN OF WANTING INTO THE JOY OF DOING.
If you're hurting over something you think you need and can't have:
Identify what it is you're grasping at. Is it a job that you think will make you feel passionate about your work? Is it a relationship that you feel you need in order to know love? Now ask yourself: are you assuming happiness exists in achieving or getting this specific thing? Realize that this—the belief that you will be happy if you only get what you want—is an illusion. It's something that allows you to release responsibility for being happy right now, because “someday” everything will line up just right. That day may never come. Happiness isn't getting everything you want. It's appreciating what you have and staying open to the limitless possibilities before you.
Focus on the process, not the outcome. There's nothing wrong with striving for a specific goal; it's suffocating it with need and stress that hurts you. Instead of fixating on the outcome you want to create, focus on joy in the process. For example, with TinyBuddha, I have never known for sure where this is leading or how many people will read. But I love writing about these topics and engaging with people about letting go and letting peace in. When you focus on joy in the process, you're more likely to create and sustain momentum and positive results.
Find ways to get what you really want today, as it is. Underneath the specific goals or desires, there's a more general need. Identify that. If you want to feel passionate, do something today to indulge your passion. Volunteer your service to or barter with others, offering your skills in exchange for theirs. If you want to feel loved, start by giving love. Call a family member or get together with friends to do something you love. Sometimes when you let go of restrictive wants, you can better meet your actual needs.
WE CAN HEAL EACH OTHER'S PAIN
Suffering has a place only in a world where there is insufficient empathy. ∼@malengine
People have their faith put in imagination, not into other people. We need people loving each other. ∼@Hey_Pato
There is immense suffering in this world because people fail to be proactive with their words and actions. ∼@SkyIsOpen
The world has not yet understood that even if there are 6, 861, 638, 344 individuals, we all make one. ∼@witchy_di
A harder question is: What are you doing to alleviate the suffering? ∼@UncleElvis
It's clear that pain is necessary, though suffering can be avoided. This might seem to imply that we alone hold the responsibility for minimizing our anguish. If we have trouble doing this, the next logical conclusion is that we should hide it and bear it alone. A lot of us learned growing up that strength means not showing emotion, and definitely not admitting vulnerability. This doesn't actually convince anyone that we don't hurt and we aren't vulnerable, because everyone with a pulse does and is.
We can't avoid hurting in life, and if we did, it would be dangerous. Pain tells us we're alive. Pain challenges us, guides us, and connects us. Everyone feels the same things in life, though at different times and in different ways. Even if no one else has dealt with the specific challenge you face—and even that is unlikely—everyone else has felt the same overwhelming sense of confusion, fear, and terror. Regardless of how distressing the details of your past may be, someone else can relate to the exact feelings of disappointment, disillusionment, and anger. Someone might look completely confident and together, but be sure that at some point, he's felt insecure and scared. Another may appear to be bold and fulfilled, but know that, in the distant or very recent past, she's closed the blinds, burrowed under the covers, and exhausted herself through gut-wrenching tears.
Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak. It's only in finding the courage to admit our pain that we can lean on each other. And why shouldn't we? Knowing that we all go through the same things and that most people do feel compassion for each other, why should we shroud ourselves in shame simply for being human?
Being disliked and misunderstood by some is worth the freedom of knowing you are loved and supported by many.
This year several teen suicides made headlines, shining a light on the dangers of bullying, particularly in our always-on, Internet-enabled world. Knowing firsthand how easy it is to hate yourself when you believe that everyone else does too, I can only imagine the horror of having the harassment extend to Facebook, online chats, and text messages. In the aftermath of these tragedies, writer Dan Savage and his partner posted a video of compassion and hope online. A whole campaign, It Gets Better, grew naturally from that. In a number of simple yet powerful videos, celebrities and those less well known stare straight at the screen and, one by one, with kind eyes and implied understanding, remind the viewer that no matter how hard things may seem, “It gets better.” It's easy to disbelieve, since we can never know for certain what the future holds, but most of us have experienced some type of transformative pain in our lives. If we're still alive, it likely has gotten better—if not in every way, in some.
As
