struggled to get your career off the ground. Or maybe in the craziness of everyday life, you’ve let yourself go, and society won’t let you forget about it.
We all have areas in our lives where we feel deficient. Not one of us is perfect at everything, and some of us have more resources at our disposal to ameliorate those areas of imperfection, while others do not. Not one of us ever truly grasps onto the illusive “balance” we’re seeking—the balance we’re told by countless self-help books and gurus that we can achieve.
I’m here to tell you that’s okay. In fact, as suggested by Stanford Economics professor Myra Strober, we’re probably better off dropping the concept of “balance” altogether. It’s almost never achievable, and we make ourselves miserable in its pursuit.
The Concept of Shifting Priorities
I was brought up in a religious household. The religion was strict and all-consuming. I kid you not when I tell you that as a teen, I spent ten hours at church per week over the course of six days. And that was if there wasn’t a baptism or youth project or some other type of celebratory event.
I no longer practice the religion of my youth, but there were good things I received in that environment. While some people were absolutely crazy and judgmental, there were plenty of churchgoers I liked and respected. Some of the deepest life lessons I have learned were taught to me by these mentors.
For example, one Sunday, we were sitting in the third hour of church—the hour designated for the teenage-girls-only lesson. One of my favorite teachers was standing in front of the class as we sat with our scriptures under our chairs and our skirt-clad legs pressed firmly together.
She was teaching us about time management and prioritization. I don’t know if the lesson was from the manual or was just something she wanted us to learn. Whatever the origins, she wrote these four words on the board:
•Family
•Church
•School
•Friends
You can replace the word “school” with “work,” if it better fits your situation. And “church” with “giving back” or “volunteering.”
She explained to us that at different points in our lives, we’d rank each of these areas differently in terms of importance. Because we were in church that day, she knew that part of the equation was important to us. Because we were teenagers, she ascertained that “friends” were likely one of the focal points of our lives, too. While some of us put a high priority on school, others did not.
She noted that at the stage of life she was in, as a homemaker with young children, family was higher up on her list than ever. Church and friends were important, too, but her kids took precedence, so that’s where she spent the most time. At that juncture in her life, she wasn’t overly concerned with a specific career outside the home.
She explained that as she got older, these four priorities might shift around again. Then, she said something transformational:
“You know what? That’s okay.”
In that moment, she gave us permission to not be all things at once. She didn’t tell us spirituality or charity should always be our number one priority; she encouraged us to recognize that at different stages of our lives, our priorities would change.
And that there was nothing wrong with that.
An Exercise in Prioritization
Now that you know there’s nothing wrong with prioritizing rather than being all things at once, sit down with yourself and get real about what’s important in your own life. Keep in mind that the way you prioritize shouldn’t be based on the way things have been in the past or on the way others live their lives. Your prioritization is going to be personal and based on your current situation, and it should be free from judgement—even your own.
I want you to think about five areas:
•Family
•Friends
•Work/School
•Volunteer/Community Efforts
•Personal Goal
Your personal goal may be related to a hobby, travel or something else entirely.
Now, you’re going to rank these in order of importance to you at this current point in time. Remember that there is no wrong or right order.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Whatever’s on your fifth line, it’s not a priority in your life right now. You can still have it, but don’t spend too much effort on it at this very moment.
Instead, focus your energies on lines one and two, with gradually decreasing effort on lines three and four.
It’s important to note that while there is no wrong or right order for your priorities, you may have to adjust them based on reality. For example, if you don’t have a partner who is providing and/or you’re not financially independent, you’re going to have a hard time if your first two line items are friends and personal goals with “work” listed on line number five. You do need some sort of money or income to facilitate your efforts in other areas, so you may have to move work up higher—even if you don’t want to.
Going with the Flow
Over a decade later, I was sitting at a roundtable brainstorming session with some strong, inspiring women. We were trying to address the stressors that come along with motherhood, especially for working mothers. Some of us worked full-time while others worked part-time. While there was a mother or two who contended she had actually found the illusive balance, most of us agreed that there was no winning. There was no perfectly clean house owned by a woman doting on her perfectly-behaved small children while running her small business like a well-oiled machine, at least not at all times.
Then, our wise discussion leader brought up the idea of flow. Flow basically means going with what’s working well. Yes, maybe your dishes have been piling up for a week, but you’ve done $5,000 in sales. It’s your busy time of year, so you don’t sweat the dishes and keep pushing forward with your efforts at work.
Or maybe you’ve decided you want to stay home with the kids, and you are fortunate enough to be able to pursue this decision. Your career is on pause for the moment, but you’re able to organize amazing birthday parties with homemade decorations and a cake baked from scratch.
