a higher sense of well-being; it’s a strong sense of well-being that tends to lead to marriage.
“Over time, the effects of getting married fade,” says Graham. “The initial euphoria lasts about eighteen months—then they revert to premarriage happiness levels. They’re not happier because they’re married. They were just happier before they got married.”
That does not mean that if you’re on the left side of the bell curve you can’t find love. A 2009 study called ‘You Can’t Be Happier Than Your Wife’ revealed that a gap in happiness levels is a major predictor for divorce. All that means is that when one partner has noticeably higher happiness levels when compared to the other, the marriage isn’t likely to last.
The kicker here is that the wife must be the one further to the right side of the bell curve. If she’s less happy than her husband or long-term male partner, the marriage is less likely to last. If the male partner is less happy, the same effect isn’t there.
So go find a partner who shares a similar level of happiness with you if you want a long marriage. Because you’re a woman, though, you’re more likely to be okay if you find a man who is to the left of you on the well-being bell curve.
Apologies for the heteronormative study. Hopefully since marriage has been legalized for all, we’ll start seeing similar studies for the LGBTQIA+ community.
Gender’s Surprising Role in Well-Being
Your perception of your own well-being is affected differently by outside circumstances when you’re a woman. I’m excited to let you know this is one of the pieces of good news you’ll find in this oppression-focused book!
Major shocks to gender roles in a culture can mess with our well-being. For example, Graham notes that the women’s liberation movement—the time period when women were finally able to enter the workforce—sparked a decrease in women’s happiness levels. The initial shift in gender expectations was rocky, but she also says that in America, our happiness levels have greatly recovered since this time period.
“Women are happier than men unless they’re in a place where gender rights are severely hampered,” says Graham. She harkens back to being an active participant in your democracy, noting that movements such as #MeToo or #SheShouldRun have actually been good for women’s well-being. They’re a sign that more rights are being shifted to women, and that they’re empowered enough to take meaningful action. Fifty years ago, women were socially shunned when they empowered themselves by taking on work. Today, they’re applauded for their bravery when they tell their stories of how those workplaces have been abusive. When women run for office because they want to change the current system, many of them are getting voted in.
Women are also able to handle personal shocks better than men. Graham hypothesizes that because we’re expected to wear so many hats, something like job loss doesn’t affect us as negatively; we’re able to carry on because our identities are so multifaceted. Men, on the other hand, have traditionally been valued based on their ability to provide. Thus, when they lose their jobs, their entire identities tend to be threatened or even shattered.
This may change as equality becomes more widespread and gender norms continue to become more progressive. But for the time being, women who must go through economic shocks fare much better in terms of overall happiness than their male counterparts.
The Right Attitude
When we talk about Graham’s bell curve, it’s important to note that the graph measures people’s innate happiness regardless of their circumstances. Education, marriage, income levels, and other circumstances do not play a role in whether you fall closer to the left side or the right.
“People in the happiest part [the right side] are there regardless of income level,” explains Graham. “The least happy people are there [the left side] regardless of income. We know this income coefficient matters a lot more to those who are the least happy.”
That means that the less happy you are, the more likely you are to focus on money rather than creativity or learning. For most households today, income levels are variable, riding ups and downs rather than going perpetually up in a straight line. That means as your income varies, you’ll be more focused on the dollars and cents, how unfair life has been to you during the down times, and all the reasons life hasn’t worked out the way you hoped. Conversely, if you’re focused on creativity, learning, and purpose, those ups and downs in income levels are less likely to feel so nauseating. You’re more likely to have an optimistic outlook on life, and it will be easier to keep going as your life will have meaning beyond how much is in your bank account.
Graham has measured how big of an impact this optimism can have on life outcomes. Perhaps unsurprisingly, those who fall on the right side of the bell curve tend to do better for themselves in an array of different areas. Graham notes that this difference in orientation and attitude can be particularly pronounced for those who do not have a lot of money to start with.
“People with higher levels of this innate happiness do better in the job market,” says Graham. “They’re healthier. And they do better in the social arena. Innate happiness means more to people with less means. If you think about it, if you’re young and just starting out or lower down in the service sector, a good attitude is going to matter a lot to how you do in the labor market versus if you got a PhD in physics—even if you’re a curmudgeon, you’re probably going to get a good job [with such a PhD].
“In the health care arena, people who are more upbeat deal better with chronic illnesses. I mean, if you have terminal cancer, you have terminal cancer. But there are a lot of diseases and conditions that require some determination to either live with or overcome. Even with harder illnesses, to get through a hard course of treatment, that positive attitude on the margin matters—a lot.
“In the social arena, it’s pretty obvious. Do you want to hang out with someone who’s cheerful and happy, or do you want to hang out with curmudgeons?”
As someone who worries, works hard to head off potential bad outcomes because of those worries, and writes about money for a living, it may be safe to say I’m one of those curmudgeons—or at least closer to the left side of the curve than the right.
While we do not know for sure if we can change our innate happiness levels, having this information makes me feel more at peace. It helps me know that my tendencies towards resilience are to my advantage, and that if I were able to change my core attitude towards what’s coming up ahead—perhaps becoming more of an optimist than the realist I currently am—I might be able to see tangible results in my life.
That’s not to say it’s a guarantee. But to me, it lets me know that when I actively choose to be more optimistic, I’m upping my odds of success. I may not reach success in the way I had envisioned, and I may hit patches where my nature wins out over my will to be more positive. But perhaps I can at least improve my odds by purposefully correcting my perspective when I notice myself getting too bogged down by the inequity of this experience called life.
Take Action
•Stop trying to find happiness. Instead, look for purpose and meaning in your life.
•Make a list of things that give you purpose outside of earning an income.
•Make
