time a major incident happened, I always asked myself what I could do to make it better. With each setback I developed some new learning about myself that would motivate my next action in life. After years of working hard to always find ways to be better and overcome my rebellious past, I developed the unwavering belief that the best thing I could learn from today was what I needed to do tomorrow to improve. In fact, for the last ten years I have been asking myself that same question nearly every day. What can I do tomorrow, this month, this year to make tomorrow better than today?
Interestingly enough, Eurich’s research found that those who receive the most value from self-awareness are those who analyze their lives using the word “what.” By phrasing questions when self-analyzing using “what,” we are asking ourselves to critically think about our values, needs, and wants and establish what we need to do to make them a reality. This makes us better able to handle tough situations, because we’re always focused on taking a future action and less likely to get bogged down by whatever terrible, no-good, rotten past events and mistakes we might make along the journey. We’re letting them go instead of constantly digging through garbage (bad events), hoping to a find a nugget of gold (an amazing insight or life direction).
Activities to Increase Your Self-Awareness
1.Keep a journal of your emotions and feelings and look for patterns in your behavior.
2.Set goals to help center your growth and development around an objective.
3.Choose “what” versus “why” when applying critical introspection.
How Other People See You
When I took my very first corporate job, I had trouble transitioning from “cool co-ed Anna” to formal, full suit-wearing “Ms. O’Brien.” I treated my cubicle much like one would treat their fifth-grade locker: I covered the walls in Teen Beat posters of JTT. Yes, this was ten years after JTT’s star had peaked. I painted my nails at my desk, put googly eyes on the office plants, and listened to my music out loud for all to hear. I even went so far as to come in one weekend and give my cube a Trading Spaces (does anyone remember that show?) makeover, complete with hanging lanterns and a tapestry pinned up like wallpaper. I thought I was being whimsical and funny. What I was doing was committing career suicide.
I remember when HR called me into the office to talk about these cubicle antics. I had anticipated good news—maybe even a promotion. I had made so much effort to liven up our humdrum office floor, and I expected them to be grateful. I was wrong. The office found me annoying, distracting, and unfocused. Gulp. They didn’t love me, they hated me. I was distraught. I needed to start looking for a new job. I was a failure. They were going to fire me any day.
I spent the next two weeks silently working at my desk. I didn’t leave for lunch. I stayed late. I was terrified anytime someone senior walked over to my desk. Eventually my mentor at the time pulled me aside and helped me see the light. My HR manager hadn’t told me those things to make me feel bad; she had told them to me to make me better. I was given feedback, but because of my own insecurities I had turned it into criticism.
Being able to receive feedback is crucial for becoming more self-aware and developing into the best version of ourselves. Take my office shenanigans. Obviously, I was young and I just wanted desperately to belong and be accepted in my new adult world. It wasn’t that I was intentionally doing things wrong; I was simply misguided. In college, the likable people went to parties and dressed like they were always prepared to be a backup dancer in a rap video. I was mimicking that behavior and doing what totally professionally inexperienced me thought would help me belong. I needed feedback to correct my actions. It wasn’t an attack, it was a gift.
When people give us feedback and we actually make changes, a funny thing happens. People respect us for it. As I began to apply my HR manager’s feedback, I also began to repair those bridges I had burned with my loud music, colorful walls and childish antics. Just like I had learned as the original office party girl so many years ago, it is true that if we listen and take action on feedback regularly, we are more respected by our peers, are better leaders, and deliver better results professionally.
Just like we have to learn how to receive feedback, giving feedback is also a skill. Let me tell you the painful truth—not all people were made to give feedback. When you find someone who can really offer insight, never let them go. Choose who you rely on for feedback very carefully. Personally, I look for people who have a reputation for being a good mentor to others or who have a history of career or life coaching.
Your first time hearing feedback you will probably react, much like I did, by internalizing and attaching emotions to the feedback the giver did not convey or mean. This is why I always choose someone I trust and who I feel will give me the benefit of the doubt if I overreact. Finding a mentor who, in the beginning, will let you react openly and help you work through those emotions is essential to progression. Always frame the situation first by letting them know upfront that this is a new experience for you and that asking for feedback is hard for you. You are still working on how to better learn about yourself from others. Let them know that becoming more self-aware is important to you—I was 100 percent honest in saying that I may not react well initially, and my openness helped my mentors prepare for and not take it personally when I got flustered.
It is important to acknowledge that not all feedback we receive is meaningful feedback. Sometimes feedback helps us to course-correct and recognize we are sacrificing our self and happiness to achieve a goal. When you receive feedback, always be thankful for the other person’s perspective, but remember that you still have the power. You get to acknowledge and apply it, or you can choose to reject it. You are always in the driver’s seat. Feedback just helps you understand where certain roads may lead.
Learning to take and apply feedback is something that only gets better with practice and is a lifelong pursuit. However, the more open we are to receiving feedback, the more opportunities we will have for growth. There have been times I have received feedback that taught me things about myself I would have never realized on my own. There have also been times where feedback helped me realize that the changes I need to make to achieve a certain goal weren’t worth it. Feedback is simply another feed of information to help us learn about ourselves, and we can use it to make more informed decisions about what will make us happy.
How to Successfully Ask for Feedback
1.Come with Goals: Let the person you’re asking feedback from know what you are hoping to achieve from their assessment.
2.Focus on the Future: Ask for feedback about what you can do better in the future instead of dissecting the validity of past behavior.
3.Actively Listen: Let the person share their entire feedback before reacting. This is not only respectful to the feedback-giver, but also makes it easier for them to give you feedback.
4.Ask for Clarity: Don’t be afraid to ask for examples or more details if feedback is unclear or doesn’t make sense to you. Write down key ideas or themes to follow up on.
5.Express Gratitude: Giving feedback is as hard as getting it, so make sure to let your feedback-giver know how much you appreciate their time.
Comparison: The Good,the Bad, and the Ugly
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”
—Judy
