good place to start acknowledging its presence in your life. When you make a conscious effort to recognize where you engage in this “winning over living” mentality in your life, you’ll likely realize you’re in way more sparring matches than you thought. Do you really need to battle to bake the best cupcakes? Is it really that important to reign as top vocalist at after-work karaoke? Probably not, but once we get caught in the competitive vortex we are pretty good at turning the dumbest and most meaningless things into opportunities to win. But why do we do this?
Research on how the brain processes victory shows that winning gives us a temporary high by releasing dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that’s responsible for that feeling of pleasure. The chemical release comes from a result of our identity being associated with a schema we have defined in our brain as important. Basically, the brain likes when we get to put ourselves into pretty boxes. However this emotional rush is temporary and will not persist forever.
As a result, we often find ourselves using comparisons in our day-to-day life to try and correct disappointment and get us back to the original high we experienced with our achievement. For example, you might compare yourself with the person you beat for a promotion and highlight how your skills are superior to theirs. This is called a downward comparison. Similarly, when you don’t win, you might make negative comparisons with the intention of motivating yourself to potentially achieve more. This is called an upward comparison. While comparisons can be helpful in personal development, when overused they can cause self-doubt, burnout, and feelings of worthlessness.
Downward Comparisons
We all want to be cool in our youth. Do you remember all the things we got into just because everyone else was into them? Uggs. Beanie Babies. Boy Bands. Whatever was popular at the moment, we wanted. Do you remember the girl at your high school (I am certain everyone had one) who had magically found her way to the epicenter of cool? She was the oracle or popularity. She decided what was in, for how long, and when it was out. If you’ve seen Mean Girls you know what I am talking about. Every high school has a Regina George.
My high school was no exception. Our high school prophetess of popularity was Amanda Scott. (That’s not her real name, because I’m a nice person.) I wanted Amanda to like me so badly. I thought maybe if she knew all the hard things I was dealing with at home that she would befriend me or at least be kinder to me. So I wrote Amanda a note. I told her absolutely everything I was going through—every gory detail. I told her how sad I was. I told her how much I looked up to her. I poured my soul out onto that college-ruled piece of paper, slid it into her locker, and waited.
I waited and waited and waited. I waited so long I thought I was going to drop dead due to a mix of anxiety and anticipation. Finally, when I walked into the hallway, Amanda pulled me aside and thanked me for my note. Nothing more. That was it. I has poured my entire life out in lead and tears and all she could say was “Thanks?” I was hurt and confused, but figured that was the end of it all. However, this is high school. It would not end there.
Later that day, while walking to my next class I overheard Amanda talking to another girl. I listened closely. Call it intuition or call it paranoia—I knew they were talking about me. Amanda’s hair perfectly bounced to the side as she casually said to her minion, “I may be have been having a rough time, but at least I am not putting notes in people’s lockers about it.” She laughed. They laughed. I died inside. Amanda had used my vulnerability as a way to bolster her perceived stability.
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