pet your mane,
May your roar be loud enough
to keep them at bay.
Research
When I asked my grandmother what she meant when she called my book stupid, she reminded me that she was born in 1918. She told me that when she was old enough to “date,” there was no such thing as a “boyfriend.” “If a man wanted you, he would marry you.” Before I jumped up and tried to explain to her how things are different now, I asked myself, am I listening to understand, or am I listening just to reply—like most people do when someone is trying to sell them something other than whatever they believe in? I decided to live to fight another day, and I kindly thanked her for the conversation and went home. When I got home, I Googled everything I could about the word “boyfriend.”
The more I dug into researching the word, the more my mind was blown. I was at a loss for words. Here was this word that I had used ever since I was old enough to be able to afford to take a girl to the movies (which was age thirteen, by the way). This word was the reason why I always dressed nicely, why I went out of my way to talk to every pretty girl I saw. When I was first introduced to love, it was through the idea of “boyfriend.”
That idea changed when I opened the dictionary and looked it up, just like you’re supposed to do with any other word that you use, especially one you use to define your happiness, to identify the role of the most important person in your life not related to you. So many people use the word “boyfriend” and don’t even know what it really means. Let’s test a theory.
If you’re reading this, you have probably heard the word “boyfriend” before. I would push the envelope a little further and say that not only have you heard the word, you probably know what it means. So if you know what a word means, that means you know its definition. Where do we get definitions? The dictionary. Here are three sources, all of them saying pretty much the same thing; but for me, it was all about what they didn’t say.
boyfriend (boi∙frĕnd)
Noun
1. A male companion or friend with whom one has a sexual or romantic relationship.
2. A male friend.
Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition, copyright ©2015 by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
boy·friend \boi· frĕnd\
Simple Definition of boyfriend: a man that someone is having a romantic or sexual relationship with
Source: Merriam-Webster’s Learner’s Dictionary
boy· friend
/boi/frend
Noun
1. A regular male companion or friend with whom one has a sexual or romantic relationship.
Synonyms: lover, sweetheart, beloved, darling, dearest, man, guy, escort
Source: Google Dictionary
What If
What if I told you that “boyfriend” didn’t exist?
Would you believe me?
What if I took it a step further and said that the
idea of a “boyfriend” (to include missing one, wanting one,
accepting “boyfriend” as a necessary step in the process
of you going from single to married)
would be the biggest roadblock
you could ever face?
Would you take my word for it?
What if I told you that while the idea
of having a boyfriend could possibly be one
of the most pleasurable seasons in your life,
in the long run it could ultimately
do more harm than good?
Would you erase every memory of it?
Of the word. Of the title. Of the need.
Probably not.
Don’t worry. At first, I didn’t either.
But I have studied. I have prayed.
And I have come to a conclusion:
If the ultimate goal for you is marriage,
There is no fundamental need for a boyfriend
to achieve it…
And I have found no concrete evidence to
contradict this theoretical goal.
So, therefore, having a boyfriend becomes an option.
Not mandatory.
I am going to use stories, poems, experiences,
Over the next hundred pages or so,
Both personal and professional,
To convince you that while I know
every woman loves options,
and some—just as many—love the idea of
coming home to someone,
Counting on someone to be there when no one else is,
Making love to someone
(Including you sometimes),
Someone to be your rock, your special place,
Or whatever emotional, spiritual,
or inspirational quote you
attach to someone you care about…
I am here to convince you, to warn you,
to set you up for success.
By saying that someone this powerful could never be just a
boyfriend.
Option vs. Obligation
For me, why somebody does something is just as important as what they do. If you agree, and if we apply this thinking to relationships, then it’s my opinion that being in a relationship makes it hard for you to realize whether someone is doing something because they want to or because it’s what they are supposed to do. I believe that “boyfriend” and “relationships” turn what used to be an option into an
