decades, my mom’s health began to deteriorate after losing her partner in life. In addition to grief, which can surely take its toll, she revealed that she had been suffering from chronic back pain. She hadn’t said anything while my dad was sick, but it had progressively gotten worse. An MRI confirmed severe spinal stenosis, which, sadly, would only get worse with time. We tried physical therapy, spinal injections, and traction, but the only thing that provided relief was high doses of pain medication. From there, her health problems began to pile up like dominoes toppling over. And, once again, I found myself in the role of caregiver.
No Experience Necessary
Most people become caregivers without preparation or prior experience. They simply inherit the role out of necessity. Sometimes the job develops gradually, as a spouse or parent begins to need help with little things. As discussed in the introduction, statistically the majority of caregivers are middle-aged women caring for their mothers, but caregivers and care recipients run the gamut, from spouses and partners, to siblings and adult children, and even friends and neighbors. In fact, according to the Institute on Medicine, unpaid caregivers provide an estimated 90 percent of all long-term care, most of the recipients being family members. The type of care being provided varies widely, from temporary care following an accident, surgery, or illness; to long-term assistance that involves round-the-clock care. Whether you are preparing meals and running errands, or helping with the basic activities of daily living (ADLs), such as bathing, dressing, and feeding, caregiving is a demanding role that requires a long list of skills—and a good support system. The truth is, not everyone is cut out for the job.
Are You the Best Choice?
Sometimes people take on the role of caregiver “automatically,” without thinking about what it entails and their ability to perform the necessary tasks. Sometimes they have no choice in the matter—no one else is willing or available, or finances prohibit hiring professional help. In some cases, the care recipient is adamant about who they want as a caregiver and unwilling to consider other options. However, if you are in a position to decide whether you are the best choice to become someone’s caregiver, there are a number of things you should consider before taking on the role.
Questions
How much help does the care recipient need?
Many people will downplay the amount of care they need, so be sure to consult with a doctor to get a complete picture of his or her needs. You can also hire a Geriatric Care Manager, nurse, or social worker to perform a needs assessment and provide recommendations. When someone is being discharged from the hospital after an accident or illness, particularly a senior, it’s common for a social worker or occupational therapist to assess the person’s living arrangements and make suggestions for care and safety.
Have you discussed the situation with family members, including your spouse and children?
Do you have young children at home who will limit the amount of time you can devote to caregiving? Is your spouse onboard and willing to help out?
Have you asked the care recipient whom they would prefer to provide care?
Is he or she more comfortable having certain personal tasks, such as bathing and dressing, done by a professional?
Are other family members or friends available and willing to help with tasks?
Remember that even siblings living far away can help with finances or paperwork. They can also provide occasional respite for a primary caregiver.
Are you working outside the home? If so, are you willing or able to adjust your work schedule or give up work if necessary? How will this affect your financial situation?
Keep in mind most workers have statutory rights under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA), including the right to unpaid leave in emergencies. You may also be eligible for extended leave, depending on your employer. According to a report by AARP, entitled The Economic Value of Family Caregiving (2012), 69 percent of working caregivers reported having to rearrange their work schedule, decrease their hours, or take unpaid leave in order to perform caregiving responsibilities—another 6 percent quit work entirely.
If the care recipient will be living with you, is your home functional and safe, or can it be adapted?
There are many tools available, such as stair lifts, ramps, and safety bars, but the expense can add up quickly. Are you able to afford these adaptations?
How is your relationship with the person for whom you will be caring?
Caring for someone can bring you closer together—or it can exacerbate tensions and strain a relationship. Either way, it’s common for relationships to change during caregiving. Are you prepared for these changes? Do you feel you have the patience and emotional stamina to take on this role?
How is your own health? Are you physically able to effectively care for another person?
It’s one thing to provide care for someone when you are young and healthy, and quite another when you are older and suffering from your own health conditions
If your caregiving responsibilities become more demanding over time, do you have others to support you or the resources to hire help?
According to the Family Caregiver Alliance, “The close relationship between the caregiver and care recipient is a shared relationship with involved emotions, experiences, and memories, which can place a caregiver at a higher risk for psychological and physical illness.”
In an ideal world, those taking on the role of caregiver would have all the right answers to these questions. Of course, that rarely happens! Most caregivers find themselves struggling to balance family obligations and caregiving tasks, making difficult choices regarding work, and/or neglecting their personal health. Still, it’s important to honestly assess your situation and abilities, and consider all perspectives when taking on the role of caregiver, which includes the person for whom you would be caring. Surprisingly, many well-meaning relatives jump into caregiving mode without discussing the situation with the care recipient, which can often lead to resentment. When possible, be sure to ask the care recipient:
Where would you like to be cared for?
