and upset.
Over time I’ve come to understand the two most powerful influences that affect how we parent: one is how we were parented, and the other is our family’s history. Research shows that we are likely to replicate the programs of our own parents; 1 that is, we parent as we were parented, even if we swear we won’t. Research also shows that the experiences of our ancestral family members are passed along to us through our DNA.2 Although we may not have experienced what our parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and other ancestors have, their feelings and experiences are nevertheless lodged in our genes, and they can manifest in how we respond to our lives as parents and beyond.
The combined effect of these two influences is what I refer to as your “program.” Whether consciously or not, you are run by this program. It lives buried within your sense of self and colours everything you see and do. But when you bring that program out of its deep nesting place and into your conscious awareness, you are empowered to do two things: first, you can predict your program’s influence on your life and the life of your child; and second, you can rewrite the parts of your program that do not serve healthy growth. This is what I refer to throughout the book as “doing your work.”
It is work to acknowledge our deeply entrenched programming. It is work to accept that our interior programs (rather than our unruly and needy children) are what trigger and unsettle us. And it is work to understand ourselves in a new light so that we can live life in the present rather than driven by events that are in our past or buried in our family history.
Keep in mind that even the best parents are simply unable to give growing children everything they may need. This is a static reality of our human existence. However, whether you are already the parent of a baby or young child, are on the cusp of becoming a parent, or are just thinking about bringing a child into your life, this is the time to make deep and conscious decisions about the kind of parent you want to be. In fact, those decisions are the most important step in the growth process for both you and your child.
This is not the time to be daunted and defeated. Even in the most difficult moments, the opportunity exists for parenting to be empowering and inspirational.3 The shame you feel when enduring the judgmental stares of others during your toddler’s meltdown can be transformed into an unwavering understanding of your swagger and competence. Your despair in being overwhelmed by sleepless nights and endless fatigue can be the call you need to understand the limitlessness of your own power. Day in and day out, little and big moments like these offer you the opportunity to choose a story that works for you rather than against you—guaranteed. By exploring these two influences more deeply here, you will be able to understand when they are at work within you, and how best to rewrite your own narrative. And then, duly armed, your choice is in whether or not you answer the call and step into the fullest possible version of spectacular you.
Your Parents’ Programs
As you become a parent, one of the most important things you can do is to deeply consider the parent-child relationship you existed within during your formative years. What pieces of that relationship may still need to be understood and transformed within you? Understanding those core psychological and emotional pieces may afford you the opportunity to “grow up” more fully and, in turn, to be available to the growing up of your child.
When you were born you were thrust into the most intimate space of the parent-child relationship. This first experience of relationship is so potent and formative that it serves as the template for all other relationships to come. The way our parents interact with us shapes our brains and ultimately our sense of who we are in this world. This first relationship can dictate much of what we may become in life.
The parent-child relationship can be viewed as a continuum. At one end is the child who experiences being cared for, physically and emotionally, in a consistent manner. Note that I didn’t say “in a perfect manner.” No parent can ever be perfect. But this template would allow that child to emerge into a solid sense of self, capable of recreating intimacy in other relationships. Statistically, it would also mean that they are much more likely to perform well at school, be healthier, and be less likely to suffer mental health issues.4
On the other end of the continuum is the parent-child relationship fraught with challenge. This child’s needs were not consistently met. Perhaps it was a relationship in which a parent’s long absences or lack of emotional availability resulted in the child feeling abandoned, or one in which a child was maltreated or neglected. This baby is likely to grow into a person who struggles in varying degrees with physical and mental health, relationships, and/or employment.5
What you need to know is this: it’s virtually impossible for any parent, anywhere, to come into their parenting gig with a neutral, blank slate. Add external societal influences to the mix and it’s easy to see how parenting can become a quagmire of unease and self-doubt. And given that we know how formative and all-important the parent-child relationship is, it doesn’t take a leap of faith to understand that the prevailing cultural and psychological norms of any parent’s day will have a deep influence on that relationship. Resistance is almost futile. So, no pressure!
Your Family History
Though the first source of parental programming is inadvertently passed on by our parents, a second major source comes from generations past via our genes. The collective history of our ancestors is transmitted down the family line through our DNA. The science of epigenetics has revealed that it isn’t purely your DNA sequence that determines the expression of those genes. Rather, the conditions around you can turn on or heighten the expression of some genes while turning off or suppressing the expression of others. In this way, experiences—including traumatic ones—are encoded in the body at the cellular level.
The influence of traumatic experiences can be genetically traced through several generations. Psychologist and author Mark Wolynn describes this transmission of trauma powerfully through stories of his clients with family members who died in or lived through the Holocaust, as well as clients who have grandparents, aunts, uncles, or even more distant relatives who experienced the death of a child or witnessed terrible violence or any other perceived trauma. He provides a thorough and accessible scientific account of how this occurs in his book It Didn’t Start with You.6
Take a moment to consider this: females are born with all the eggs they will reproduce from and more. That means that a female’s genetic material was inside of her grandmother at the time of her mother’s conception, and so on down the line. Given the process of epigenetics, this means that a woman’s cells may carry the experiences of her grandmother at a cellular level. For males (who produce new sperm across their lifetime), the link will be stronger with their biological fathers and what was happening in that father’s life at the time of the son’s conception. However, men and women can inherit genetically coded trauma from either or both of their parents, and hence from either or both of their paternal and maternal lines.
The case histories around intergenerational trauma are eyeopening and numerous. My great-grandmother was separated from her Indigenous tribe when she married a European settler who had come to Canada in pursuit of a better life. After she married, she lost her connection to her people, her village, her community. She gave life to seven children, but sadly she suffered from numerous mental breakdowns until eventually she ended up in an asylum, where she lived until her death. Her young children were farmed out to relatives and orphanages upon her institutionalization, and they endured their own challenging and traumatic experiences.
Time marched on. I came into the world and proceeded to have a fairly typical childhood. My parents eventually divorced. I went on to marry and have my own children, and then I also divorced. During my divorce, I became consumed with the idea of “losing” my children. I wasn’t worried that I would lose my children to the child welfare system—there was
