the context of an otherwise healthy parent-child relationship, it’s possible that there are some nuanced pieces missing from your parenting code. What does this look in real life? Here are a couple of dramatic examples.
One father I know lost his father early on in life, and then he lost his mother to her grief (though she did not die, she was not able to see and hear her son because of her grief). Sadly, his mother lost her next partner to a horrific death a few years later. This meant that in addition to having lost two fathers, this man also twice lost his mother to grief. Yet through his journey he awakened and is an incredibly conscious, attuned, and present dad for his lucky children. Another father I know journeyed along a similar path, but he lost his battle with addiction, lost his children’s mother to her addiction, and ultimately lost his children when they were placed in foster care. He was unable to awaken. He could not give his children what they needed. If these children were lucky enough to have an adult with a sparkle in their eye and big love in their heart step into their lives somewhere along the way, they would have a chance to develop resilience and heal from all of these losses and ruptures. This is the extraordinary power of attachment.
On the other end of this wounding spectrum are myriad softer scenarios. Many of you had parents who were present and available, but perhaps you were punished with loss of privileges or activities if you didn’t do well at school. A common enough approach, but one that taught you that acceptance is contingent on performance. Believe it or not, that lesson has stayed with you—and until you work through that equation of self-worth with goal achievement, you will be held hostage by the fear of failure. And you will likely pass this same belief on to your children.
Whether the wounds are deep cuts or small nicks, it’s essential for every parent to understand that we must make sense of them in order to avoid unintentionally handing them down to a new generation. But as you explore and work through these wounds, don’t get stuck on the idea of being “wounded.” Simply think of wounding as a normal part of being human. And over-identification with what went wrong in your childhood will not serve you or your child. Instead, accept that there is work to do, and that all of it is within your grasp. Parenthood shines a light on the necessity of this work, which will give both you and your child an amazing chance to grow up healthily.
Developmental Awareness
How many times have you sat in a restaurant and watched a child under the age of six receive a scolding for not sitting still during a meal? Or heard a three- or four-year-old admonished for not sharing? Or observed an eight-year-old punished for having a meltdown when asked to take out the garbage? Or witnessed a fourteen-year-old get grounded for freaking out when told they couldn’t hang with friends on a Friday evening?
The parental response of punishment and consequence for such actions is not an uncommon occurrence in our world. Yet each one of those examples represents a child with an underdeveloped brain responding exactly as they should according to their stage of development. Many of us fall into the trap of expecting a child to absorb and adopt adult behaviour even though the human brain doesn’t fully mature until sometime in the mid to late twenties.
That six-year-old fidgeting at the dinner table is incapable of sustained focus and attention; the three-year-old simply cannot share; the eight-year-old hasn’t developed the self-control needed to stay calm in the face of a roadblock like “chores” when what he really wants to do is shoot hoops; and the fourteen-year-old is bound to lose control of his feelings in the face of big emotions. So settle down, big people. Your kiddos are being and doing just what they are meant to be and do along their entirely normal developmental journey.
The trouble is that waiting for development to occur can be bothersome for us big people raising children in a fast-paced world. We try to hurry development along rather than championing it at every point along the way. But children are not small adults, and we cannot force them into adulthood. Self-regulation will look different in a baby, a toddler, and a preschooler. Babies bite because they know no other way to settle their bodies down. Toddlers have tantrums because they are trying to figure out how to become their own person, even as they lack the ability to settle themselves in the face of heightened emotion. Preschoolers shove, push, hit, and don’t wait their turn because those behavioural niceties are still a foreign language when they are taken over by a big desire or need. We must respect that children are growing a brain at the rate of billions of neural connections a day. That level of growth will need to continue for years before they have any natural ability to manage their impulses and make “good choices” with some semblance of consistency.
Once, after I presented a workshop, a father told me how his nine-year-old son had been struggling to manage his big emotions in response to disappointing news or requests by his parents to complete chores. Every time the child lost it, his parents would reprimand him for his “bad behaviour” and use behaviourist-inspired strategies such as consequences, timeouts, and removal of privileges. One day, after yet another of these incidents, the father asked his son in exasperation, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you do as you are told and stop reacting like this? I’ve told you a million times!” In his gorgeous, infinite wisdom, the son replied to his father, “Dad, what is wrong with you? You’ve told me a million times and I still can’t do it. Why do you keep telling me the same thing over and over when I can’t do it?” Nailed it.
You cannot make growth and maturity happen faster by demanding its progression. As David Loyst, a child development specialist who works with children with autism, says, “I’ve never seen a plant grow faster by pulling on the top of it.” Instead of demanding development, a parent’s job is to inspire it and champion it. Now recall that connection and attachment are the foundations for healthy child development. When a child is asked to adopt behaviours that are not yet a natural part of their developmental repertoire, that child is forced to reject development in the name of acquiescence so that they can maintain the connection and secure approval from their parent. How many times did this scene play out for you as a child, whether in your home or in a classroom?
Many of us have internalized this scenario, this dance of “do it or else you will pay with a loss of approval, acceptance, or connection.” And now we risk recreating it as parents—unless we are willing to bring it to our awareness and work determinedly to sidestep it. We need to understand wholeheartedly how relationship is essential to healthy child development. And we need to simultaneously reject the option of withdrawing attachment and connection from our children in the name of good behaviour or unrealistic developmental expectations. Growth takes time. Development takes time. Building a strong relationship with our children will ensure that this all goes down exactly as nature intended.
Consciousness
Humans have developed the understanding that our minds are who we are (thanks to Descartes, “I think, therefore I am”), that our minds define us and our concrete reality. We can be led to believe that the thoughts we have about what has made us happy or angry or sad or scared, about why someone looked at us a certain way, about why our child did or did not get into the school we wanted them to attend, and indeed about why our children behave as they do, are a reflection of an absolute truth. But to believe that your thoughts are your concrete reality is probably one of the most torturous misconceptions humans experience.
When my son entered the fifth grade he changed to a school an hour away from our home and had to start taking the school bus. He began to complain about the antics of the older children on the bus, who would sometimes tease and use foul language. One day early in the year this behaviour escalated and prompted me to contact the school so the situation could be turned around. Make no mistake: my mama-bear self was out in full force. I was angry!
On the next school day, I drove my son to the parking lot where the bus picks up all the children. I parked so that anyone looking out of the bus windows would be able to see my face. I even rolled my window down to make sure they could see that I was watching. I watched closely
