to recognize clearly what our work is, to do that work, and to grow both ourselves and our children in the process.
Creating a Program All Your Own
If the potential exists to change your programs at a cellular level, then it’s also possible to create your own program and eliminate those from the past that no longer serve the interests of you or your children. This requires taking the time to recognize, understand, and work through the programs that are living in your subconscious system; to connect those programs to the experiences in your present-day life that are bringing you stress and upset; and to grow from there.
But we also need to dismantle some of the societal programming surrounding the reason we become parents. One of the most insidious myths new parents face is the notion that becoming a parent is meant to make you happy—that parenting is a gigantic, euphoric, idyllic, heart-warming experience. This myth does not line up with the emotional reality of many new parents, who may be thinking one or all of these things: I will never get this right; my baby doesn’t like me; everybody thinks I’m doing this wrong; it’s pathetic how scared I am. This internal conflict can force even the most steady and even-tempered individual into their child self and ancestral family programming. Suddenly you are acting like your mother or your father, or even one of your grandparents.
The truth is—and some of you may find this shocking—we do not become parents to be happy. Multiple research studies show that parents are among the unhappiest groups of people.19 Instead, and unbeknownst to many prospective parents, becoming a parent is a precious invitation for growth that will either gently present itself or smack us in the face, as the need fits. One of the reasons we become parents is to finally get the chance to grow up ourselves. But the task of growing up is not for the faint of heart. It takes commitment and grit and a massive sense of humour and humility. The American scholar Joseph Campbell made this same point about marriage: “I think one of the problems in marriage is that people don’t realize what it is. They think it’s a long love affair and it isn’t. Marriage has nothing to do with being happy. It has to do with being transformed, and when the transformation is realized it is a magnificent experience.”20 You can apply the same ideas to becoming a parent.
Know that you can change the story about challenging parenting situations while simultaneously accepting their difficulty. It’s a universal truth that parents of babies and young children may not get as much sleep as they are used to. If you find yourself in this boat, you have two choices. You can think to yourself: “I am so exhausted! I cannot cope!” Or you can turn over this negative mantra in your mind and say instead: “My body will do for me what it is supposed to do, and I am grateful for visits with my baby in the quiet of the night.” Maybe your toddler is having a lot of meltdowns. Do you choose to think, “I cannot believe that on top of everything else I now have to deal with an unruly toddler!” Or will you choose to think instead, “I love his ferocity of spirit”? Part of being an adult is to fully own your reality and to know that you have created it with your thoughts—the good and, yes, the bad. But more important is to fully embrace the idea that if you don’t like a thought, if your story isn’t working out for you, you can choose a different one. Parenting is not about waking up every day bathed in happiness; it’s about waking up every day fully alert to and immersed in the living of life. Understand that making sense of your own experiences of being parented will be essential to growing up yourself, and your child, in the best possible way. Through time, openness, and hard work, you will land on a universal truth: the best way to make sure that your child turns out okay is to let that little person inside of you grow up into the adult they were meant to be. This is the greatest gift of parenthood—the invitation to create a program all your own that allows for equal-opportunity growth in parent and child. Wow. Thanks, kid!
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THE BABY BOND
WHEN A BABY is born, it comes into the world knowing that the first priority is to find you. The new babe’s eyes open and immediately begin to scan the environment in search of you—her best bet for survival. She cannot see well yet, but her brain is wired to find your eyes. And as soon as she lands on your gaze, she will stop scanning. That’s when the magic happens. Well, it isn’t really magic, but years of evolution that have perfected this synergistic connection. When that newborn finds your eyes, she will invariably hold the gaze for as long as she can. And as she does you will find it all but impossible to look away. Biologically, fireworks are going off because your brain is bathed in oxytocin. Long known as the bonding hormone, oxytocin connects parent (male or female) to child, chemically and emotionally, setting the stage for a relationship that will be the ultimate determinant in a child’s health, well-being, and success in life.1
Here is some great news: parents are wired to be good at this, and so are babies. A newborn knows enough to recognize the difference between breast pads soaked with her mother’s milk and those soaked with another mother’s milk when they are placed on either side of her head; she will naturally orient to the breast pad soaked with her mother’s milk. No special training needed. No psychological support required. What a brilliant way to start!
From the first hours of life a newborn is wired to mimic a parent’s facial expressions. If you stick your tongue out at your baby or you open your mouth wide repeatedly you might find that she starts to do the same. To put into perspective how incredible this is, keep in mind that your newborn won’t have command of her muscles and movements in a determined way until many weeks down the road. It is a reflex, like blinking in bright light. This mimicry also underscores some basic rules of social psychology: that “birds of a feather flock together” and “imitation is the highest form of flattery.” We tend to like people who like us, and we determine that they like us when they appear to endorse the similarities between us.
From the first moments of life your baby is on a mission to make sure that you like her and think she’s the smartest baby in the land—and she doesn’t even know what she’s doing! Even though she has no cognitive control over this copycat impulse, your baby will instinctively try to make herself more like you to assure your acceptance. Again, no special training or psychological support required.
Parents are biologically wired too. If you are breastfeeding, you will experience a milk let-down in response to your baby’s cry. At night, when she cries out, you may find that you are up and awake with her in your arms before you even know what’s happened. You may find that the advice to let your baby cry herself to sleep, or to let her sort herself out before moving quickly to tend to her, doesn’t feel right. You may even find it difficult to be away from her at all, especially in the early days. This is nature’s way of nurturing the all-important connection between parent and child. In some cultures, it is “mandatory” that the parent, usually the mother, stay at home with the newborn for a full thirty days after birth. During this time, the mother is well taken care of by her family and friends and is released singularly to the task of caring for her new babe.
Now, consider this: nature wastes nothing. A newborn baby is biologically wired to pursue and cement connection with a parent, and most parents are wired to take care of this connection instinctually. So don’t be afraid to dive headfirst into this burgeoning new relationship and ignore the misinformation trickling in from other influences that may tempt you to overlook your parenting instincts. Everything about child development, and the human condition in general, hinges on the actualization of the attachment relationship, and it becomes the primary focus from the earliest moments of life. Whether they realize it or not, parents will spend most of their energy encouraging and fostering this bond with their children.
This primary relationship—the parent-child connection—forms the entire foundation of what it takes to parent right from the start. A human is not simply a biological entity but a “being” wired to see and to be; to be intelligent and empathic; and to attract, recognize, and participate in the dance of social connection. As a social species, we cannot survive in the absence of
