Fear dominated my life.
Somehow, I made it to the second meeting at the beach house. I heard people say they felt at home at their first twelve-step meeting because they had heard others talk openly about how obsessively they drank and used drugs. They identified with those stories and came back. That wasn’t what brought me back. At my first meeting, someone talked about feeling like a misfit in a world where everyone else had it all together. This was the first time I had ever heard anyone verbalize feelings of separation, the same feelings that had been an overwhelming part of my life since that day I was dropped off at kindergarten. I had never heard those words spoken. I had never heard another verbalize and make that pain, and its underlying fear, real. I was finally beginning to wake up from the bad dream.
Never before had I heard people talk so honestly about their feelings. It was entirely new for me to be with a group of people who openly shared their innermost emotions. Once I was able to start sharing, I experienced a great sense of relief. Any initial awkwardness was soon swept away by the understanding and love of the other addicts I had found sitting in that circle. It was my first experience of the miracle that takes place when we express what is inside of us. I found out early on that if I shared my pains and fears at a meeting, they were lessened by the time I left; and if I shared the joy and fulfillment I felt, I’d have more of it when I left. It’s called a giveaway program.
So, the miracle began the day Flobird appeared and when I began attending meetings. I realized I was an addict and the Twelve Steps could be my spiritual path. Although I didn’t stay clean from my first meeting, a spark of hope had entered my heart. Something strongly told me to fan that flame, to guard this precious gift. This was the beginning of a three-year journey that would eventually take me to my bottom, a place of overwhelming hopelessness that all addicts must visit in order to be open to receive the gift of willingness in our lives.
The next three years proved to be a true initiation leading me to my spiritual path. Following this course required a deep surrender of my life. I had to get out of my own way so grace could penetrate my deep-rooted walls of denial. This required committed spiritual practice, at times, through enormous upheavals in my life. Hitting bottom on drugs was my gift; this painful experience was what it took for me to begin the awakening of my spirit within.
When we find ourselves in deep pain or crisis situations, we can be led in a new direction. It’s like walking through a door and discovering that all we thought familiar has fallen away. Then the way we perceive life changes profoundly. Life and its many changes can be a movement toward the Divine.
After six months in that North Shore beach house, which became known has the “God house,” Flobird once again received direct guidance from her Higher Power during meditation. These messages often came in the form of “Prepare to leave this place,” sometimes even indicating where she should go. Other directives told her to “Pack up your stuff and walk out the door.” This time she was told, “Head for Maui.”
During those six months, I went to a lot of meetings and let go of much denial about my addiction, but I still couldn’t stop using drugs. I would stay clean for a few weeks, only to find myself picking up drugs again. Some of my fellow drug users came to the meetings, understood the message, and stopped using. I was baffled as to why I kept picking up. I was hearing this message of recovery with an open mind, but I began to feel I was too open, and the message would slip right through me. I would find myself loaded yet again.
Although I couldn’t stop using, living around Flobird and going to the meetings at her house was starting to enrich my inner feelings. Hope, something I wasn’t familiar with, started to bubble up within. After Flobird left, everything seemed empty again on the North Shore. So, after finding some friends to watch our house, Laura and I, along with our now nine-month-old daughter Celeste and our two German shepherds, boarded a plane headed for Maui to find Flobird. I had learned this much in my short time with Flobird: The spiritual search calls for willing seekers to take that crucial next step. We traveled with faith and trust pushing us onward.
We knew from her letters that she was living in the then-largely unpopulated area of Makena Beach. We started hitchhiking. The beauty of the area was breathtaking. There were many kiawe trees on this dry side of the island, and their huge green thorns appeared stunning against the blue sky and vast ocean. It took a while, but we eventually found Flobird living about five miles down a dirt road that ran along spectacular white sand beaches that seemed to stretch forever. Her home was a huge white house located right on the ocean, with only a few close neighbors. Ironically, several hundred feet away was a home occupied by Timothy Leary, who had played such a huge part in my early drug-using days. There I was with Flobird living in a house representing recovery, and Leary turning on and tuning out at a nearby house representing the ugly, addictive part of my life. The irony was remarkable, and I was mindful that it was like standing at one of the many crossroads of life.
Every morning I watched Flobird as she sat in front of her house, facing the ocean and meditating. Across the way, Leary also sat on his deck looking at the ocean, probably tripping on acid, since this was the path he presented to the world. As I watched, it almost looked like a standoff on the spiritual path.
Living in this house right on the ocean proved to be a time to deepen my understanding of the twelve-step programs. We were pretty isolated, being five miles down a dirt road, so I was able to stay clean the whole time. We had impromptu meetings most days, and I would never tire of listening to Flobird talk about the spiritual life. It seemed I didn’t have to even understand or grasp intellectually everything she talked about. It was as though her heart was talking to my heart. Something was deepening within me.
It was hot and sunny each day, and we would spend time on the beach swimming and playing. When dawn started to come upon us, I would find myself sitting on the front deck each morning. I was learning the discipline of being quiet. Doing a meditation before the day started was like greeting the day as it gave birth to the light. Each evening we would find ourselves on the deck again as the sun set behind a cloudless horizon. I would even find myself saying good-bye to the sun and thanking it for the beautiful day. This goodness within that I had felt the first time I met Flobird was starting to expand as each day passed.
After being on Maui for about a month, Laura and I returned to our North Shore house, but it began to feel uncomfortable, as if our time there had come to an end. So we started selling our things and gathering money to leave Hawaii and head back to California.
We found a nice little cottage to rent that was set behind a homeowner’s main house in Venice. The backyard was full of trees and plants, with an enormous pine tree right at the front entrance of our new house. It seemed almost like an isolated country home. It was a pleasant transition into the city from rural Hawaii. I got my hair cut and tried working a bit.
Laura got pregnant again, and I tried living a somewhat normal type of life, although my drug using continued. I felt I had enough understanding of recovery to monitor and stay on top of the using, thinking I could run on the fumes of what I had gathered being around Flobird. We stayed in touch with Flobird, and I even went to some twelve-step meetings while in California. I now knew I had the disease of addiction, but just could not seem to find a way to surrender.
Flobird had received guidance to leave Hawaii and stayed in our area for a week or so before heading to the East Coast. It was great to see her again, and I even managed to get a little clean time going. My friend Ronnie, the surfing and drug-using
