teach children that they are responsible for adults, when in fact it is supposed to be the other way around.
We do this partly to help children learn to be sensitive to the feelings and needs of others. Yet kids also need to learn to be aware of and sensitive to their own feelings and needs, so they can express and manage them in healthy ways. Unfortunately, many of us are not taught to be sensitive to ourselves; instead, we’re taught Myth 3. In practice, sensitivity to others is best taught by modeling rather than words.
In her book Prisoners of Childhood, psychologist Alice Miller writes,
Children who fulfill their parents’ conscious or unconscious wishes are “good,” but if they ever refuse to do so or express wishes of their own that go against those of their parents, they are called egoistic or inconsiderate [e.g., thoughtless, rude, selfish, uncaring].1 It usually does not occur to the parents that they might need and use the child to fulfill their own egoistic wishes.
Over time, we learn to internalize such messages, and eventually our EN becomes perpetually reinforced. By the time we’re adolescents, most of us say similar things to ourselves, as well as to other people in our lives:
• “Don’t go. I’ll be so lonely without you.”
• “I’m disappointed that you don’t like the gifts I gave you.”
• “I’m hurt that you’re choosing not to join us at the party.”
We could say these are simple statements of fact, which state how we feel and what we want. In the EN-oriented world we have created, however, that is not how the statements are usually intended or heard. The message beneath all of them is, It’s your job to take care of me and make me feel good. The way to do that is to do what I want. You’re the one with the power—and the responsibility—to make me happy. It all revolves around you.
Here are some other common examples of how this gets played out:
• If we throw a party and all the guests have a good time, we assume it’s because we were a great host.
• If our boss calls us to her office, we assume we have done something wrong.
• If a neighbor visits us and she’s in a grumpy mood, we assume it’s because of something we said or did in her presence the last time we saw her.
• If we’re a therapist—and, yes, therapists do often struggle with their own EN—we mentally take credit for a client’s improved confidence and focus, when in fact the client did the work.
KELLY AND HER MOTHER
Thirteen-year-old Kelly looks carefully through her closet. She and her family are about to go to a rock concert where her aunt is performing, and she wants to look her best—and her coolest.
She finally chooses a blue leather skirt and a turtleneck sweater. She looks at herself in the mirror and is very pleased with her choice.
When she goes downstairs, her mother looks at her and frowns. She says, “Oh, Kelly, your orange plaid skirt and your orange blouse look so much cuter on you. I thought you’d be wearing that.”
Kelly is hurt and angry. She likes what she is wearing and feels confident and comfortable in it. She’s tired of always having to dress the way her mother wants. Yet she knows that if she doesn’t change her clothes, her mother will be angry and start to pout. (Myth 1)
Kelly has had enough experience with her mom’s pouting to know what will come after that. Dad will ask what’s wrong, and Mom will say, “It’s your daughter. She thinks it’s too much to ask her to wear what I want her to wear.” (Myth 3) Then Dad will be angry and agitated because he doesn’t know how to deal with his wife’s pouting.
Kelly doesn’t want to have to face all of this—or, worse, be blamed for it. So she stomps upstairs and puts on the orange outfit, which she doesn’t particularly like, and which, to her, seems completely wrong for a rock concert. In the process, she ends up following Myths 1 and 3 (as well as Myth 5, which we’ll get to shortly).
Kelly’s parents know she is angry. Yet they don’t care, so long as she changes her clothes.
Now that Kelly is in her orange outfit, Mom is happy and relaxed. As a result, Dad is happy and relaxed, too.
All the way to the concert, Kelly sits in the back seat of the car, pouting and fuming. No one in the front seat cares. And why would they? Their needs are being met.
Here is the message Kelly’s mother sends her, courtesy of her EN—a message that Kelly hears loudly and clearly: You need to dress to please me, not yourself. And if you don’t dress how I want you to, you’ll hurt and disappoint me. Kelly experiences this as rejection. This is a clothing-focused version of Myth 1.
Kelly learns not to stand up for herself as often as she would like to. She comes to believe that the normal results of taking a stand will be shame and rejection, so most of the time she just gives in. Eventually she may find herself struggling with depression.
Myth 2: Other People Are Responsible for—and Have the Power to Control—the Way We Feel and Behave
When we were children, adults blamed us for their unhappiness and bad behavior. We then experienced their disapproval, anger, and rejection for our ostensible failure to make them happy.
Feeling hurt by the rejection and blame, we in turn learned to blamed those adults for making us feel so miserable. Eventually a vicious circle of blame was created. Myth 2 is the consequence of others not following Myth 1.
Blaming is learned through modeling. When we are children and adults routinely blame us for their dissatisfaction, we learn that this is what normal human beings do. So we start blaming others for our unhappiness as well. As adults, we naturally continue this pattern.
Since we are supposed to make other people happy, they, in turn, are supposed to make us happy. Thus we live according to Myth 2. We hold others accountable for what we do and how we feel. When we are unhappy or angry or disappointed or sad, we blame other people for making us feel that way. They did the wrong thing, or said the wrong words, or used a nasty tone, or refused to look at us while they talked, or didn’t call us back quickly enough. Our unhappiness is their fault.
We experience this in restaurants, when the server isn’t fast or attentive enough; on the highway, when the person in front of us doesn’t yield or isn’t going fast enough; at work, when our boss doesn’t tell us what a great job we are doing; and at home, when our kids don’t even look up from their laptops when we walk in after a long, hard day of work.
We do the very same thing when we feel happy or serene: we attribute that feeling to what someone else did. This is particularly common when we’re dating. We give the other person credit for our excitement or happiness or delight—when, in fact, those feelings arose from our willingness to open up to and connect with someone else. We give credit to the mirror for the reflection we see in it.
Because of our EN, when others do what we want, we don’t just feel happy or pleased; we feel important, valued, respected, cared for, counted, and appreciated. When they don’t do what we want,
