tells his son, “Settle down, Bobby. Everything is okay. You’re fine. It’s a party. We’re all here to have fun.”
Yet Bobby doesn’t feel that everything is fine. He insists on what he wants, what will help him feel good: being with Grandpa.
Begrudgingly, because he is feeling the pressure of Myth 2, Ned hands his son to Grandpa. Bobby feels his father’s disapproval. He knows he’s not doing what he is supposed to do: please his father (and follow Myth 1).
Neither Bobby nor Ned can recall this incident today. Nevertheless, on that day Bobby began to learn a lesson that would be repeated many more times throughout his childhood: he is expected to stifle his own wants and needs (Myth 3) and, instead, take care of his father (Myth 1).
It’s normal and healthy for Ned to be proud of his son and for Bobby’s parents to throw him a party and want to show him off to the relatives. However, when Ned made it Bobby’s job to make Ned proud and happy, this was Ned’s EN at work.
Ned carried his own childhood wounds inside him. He was the oldest of four children raised by a divorced, single mother who worked two jobs and was often exhausted. As a result, Ned’s needs routinely weren’t met. This wasn’t because his mother was unloving; she was simply overwhelmed. Ned grew up feeling that his own needs and desires often didn’t count (Myth 3). Bobby’s behavior triggered in Ned that old pain of not counting. In his annoyance and anger (Myth 2), Ned unwittingly passed on a bit of his EN to his son.
Ned and Michele are loving and reasonably functional parents. As with most of us, though, EN has become part of who they are, how they make their way in the world, and how they raise their son.
This one event won’t harm Bobby that much. The problem is that similar events will occur over and over, year after year, and no one—not Ned, or Michele, or Bobby—will recognize how the myths, the principles, and the pain of EN are being passed on from one generation to the next.
KYOKO, HER MOTHER, AND HER GRANDMOTHER
Two-year-old Kyoko and her mother Ayami are visiting Kyoko’s grandmother Mika on a hot summer afternoon. While Kyoko is busy playing with a doll and her mom is in the bathroom, her grandma suddenly picks up Kyoko and hugs her tightly.
Kyoko doesn’t want her play to be interrupted. She is also hot and sweaty and doesn’t want to be hugged tightly by anyone right now. So she tries to push herself away. In response, her grandma holds her tighter and says, “You’re so cute! You’re a perfect little doll!”
Trying to escape, and angry at how her grandma is treating her, Kyoko grabs the string of pearls from around her grandmother’s neck and pulls on them. The necklace breaks, sending pearls scattering everywhere.
Kyoko’s grandmother sets her down on the sofa and says angrily, “Shame on you! Look what you’ve done!” (Myth 2)
Ayami enters the room a moment later, sees the pearls all over the floor, kneels to pick them up, and acts out Myth 1.
Mika says to her daughter, “You need to teach your little one some manners!”
Ayami looks up at her daughter and says, “Honey, you need to be more careful. Look at the mess you made.” Here she expresses and reinforces Myth 2. Now both adults are holding a two-year-old responsible for their unhappiness. This helps to teach the child Myth 1.
Kyoko can barely speak in sentences, let alone articulate her needs. When her grandmother forced her into an unwanted hug, Kyoko responded in a very appropriate way for a two-year-old, by trying to separate her body from her grandmother’s. She clearly and honestly expressed her emotions and desires.
Kyoko’s grandmother ignores this and does only what she wants. Understandably, Kyoko feels angry—and expresses that anger. Wouldn’t you feel angry if someone hugged you against your will?
Then Kyoko’s grandmother tells her that she did something wrong and shameful. A few seconds later, her mother also reprimands Kyoko for doing the wrong thing. Yet no one cares to understand Kyoko’s actions. (This is Myth 3 in action.)
Although she is too young to name or understand her own emotions, Kyoko feels judged, rejected, shamed, overlooked, and alone.
Mika and Ayami are not bad people. They both love Kyoko and they both love each other. Neither one wants to harm Kyoko. Yet they both send Kyoko powerful messages that begin to embed the following myths in her:
Myth 1: Kyoko is supposed to make her grandmother and mother happy—and in this incident, she has done the opposite.
Myth 3: Kyoko’s needs and wants don’t matter; only those of adults do.
At age two, Kyoko is unable to consciously process any of this. Nevertheless, she gets the message loud and clear: No matter what Grandma does to me, if I do something she doesn’t like, she’ll be mad at me and not like me—and it will be my fault.
Mika also chastises her daughter, Ayami, using Myth 2. In essence, she tells Ayami, “Your parenting made me unhappy.”
One core purpose of this book is to help you recognize EN when you see it—in both yourself and others—so you are able to name it, heal from it, and grow out of it.
Most of us are clueless about the myriad ways in which EN negatively affects our lives. This is because we don’t recognize or think through our everyday narcissism; it all usually occurs beneath the surface of our consciousness. As a result, we’re often confused, disappointed, or angry—and mystified at the depth of hurt or anger or craziness we can sometimes feel over ostensibly small things.
One core purpose of this book is to help you recognize EN when you see it—in both yourself and others—so you are able to name it, heal from it, and grow out of it.
Unpacking the Myths
The five myths—combined with our human need to belong, to be loved, to be liked, and to be part of community—form the foundation of EN. Let’s dive more deeply into each of the myths.
Myth 1: We Are Responsible for—and Have the Power to Control—How Other People Feel and Behave
Starting when we are young, we are taught that our biggest job—no matter what age we are—is to make our parents and other adults feel happy, proud, successful, adequate, important, loved, and so on. Our second biggest job is to prevent them from acting in ways that hurt us or are harmful or inappropriate in general.
The adults around us initially teach us Myth 1 by saying things such as:
• “Tell your aunt how much you like the lime-green sweater she gave you or she’ll be hurt.”
• “Go with your father or he’ll be disappointed.”
• “If you don’t text him right back, he’ll feel bad.”
• “Mom will be upset if you don’t come over.”
In
