If your husband is a sex addict and has NPD, it is unlikely that he will be willing to get help for either condition. He will likely see his extracurricular sexual behavior as something he is somehow owed. If he is willing to get help and sincerely shows through action that he is willing to do whatever it takes to restore your relationship, I believe that is evidence that, however narcissistic he may be, he does not have NPD.
What is empathy and how do I do it?
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s place and feel what they are feeling. It is the epitome of “walking in someone else’s shoes.” Empathy is very different from sympathy. Sympathy is feeling sorry for another’s hurt or pain. Without empathy it is impossible to understand how someone else feels or what her or his experience is like.
If you are a sex addict, to have empathy for your partner, imagine how you would feel if your situations were reversed. How would you feel if you found out that she had been secretly engaged in the same behaviors as you? What would be going on in your mind if you found your world crumbling down around you? How would you feel if her behavior threatened to take away everything that you hold dear?
Society has imposed a certain definition of what it means to be a man. Being tough, resilient, unmoved by hardship, and never shedding tears may be some people’s idea of masculinity, but such emotional detachment is poison to an intimate romantic relationship.
Empathy is related to “emotional intelligence,” a term frequently used to describe a person’s ability to tune in to and understand the feelings, motivations, and desires of others. Empathy can be learned. When you see your partner is sad, put aside your own feelings and ask yourself what might she be feeling. Make it a priority to develop a deeper understanding of emotional intelligence. Give your all to studying empathy and how you can increase your awareness of others’ feelings.
How did I become a sex addict?
It is usually impossible to identify specific causes for any individual’s sex addiction. A number of the factors covered earlier may be involved. This question is located in the section on narcissism because, for some, the quest to find out why they became a sex addict is just another expression of their narcissism. This group believes they are so special that surely something extraordinary happened to them that can explain their sex addiction. However, the bottom line can be as simple as having had a difficult, challenging childhood and having coped with stress and emotional pain in unhealthy ways that became patterns and led to unhealthy decisions and actions. Regardless of the family background, through repetition unhealthy actions involving sex become habituated into the obsessive and compulsive patterns that lead to addiction. In general, this is how most people become sex addicts—there need not be anything especially unique about them or their background.
If I think my husband may have a personality disorder or some other form of mental illness, what should I do?
If there are signs of mental illness or mental instability, I strongly recommend getting a full battery of psychological testing by a clinical psychologist. The testing should include a Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory (MCMI-III) and Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2 (MMPI-2), as well as other assessments and a clinical interview that will help a qualified professional make a formal diagnosis. Whenever possible, if a personality disorder or any other form of mental illness is suspected, it is important that this be either confirmed or ruled out through a comprehensive assessment process before proceeding with sex addiction treatment. The assessment results will help determine the best course of treatment.
I think I may have an abnormally high sex drive. Could my sexual behavior be a hormonal problem?
Persons who have abnormally high levels of sex hormones (androgens), or very high levels of certain neurotransmitters, such as dopamine, serotonin, or norepinephrine, may display an unusually high sex drive, known as hypersexuality. Additionally, some medications (such as dopamine agonists that are used to treat Parkinson’s disease and restless leg syndrome) may cause hypersexual behavior. The presence of any of these factors needs to be considered prior to beginning sex addiction treatment.
True sex addiction has nothing to do with the level of a person’s sex drive. Sex addicts can be obsessed with having sex or trying not to have sex. They may go from one sexual relationship to another, carrying a feeling that they cannot get enough sex. Some have sexual behavior so out of control they are physically exhausted from their sexual exploits and yet still feel that they must find someone else to be sexual with or perhaps masturbate to the point of injury. For them, too much sex is not enough. This is a hallmark of sex addiction; not an abnormally high sex drive.
15 National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, “Genetics of Alcohol Use Disorders,” accessed September 20, 2016, http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/alcohol-use-disorders/genetics-alcohol-use-disorders.
16 L. Davis, A. Uezato, J. M. Newell, and E. Frazier, “Major Depression and Comorbid Substance Use Disorders,” Current Opinion in Psychiatry 21, no. 1 (2008): 14–18.
17 American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed. Text Revision (Arlington, VA: 2000).
18 Ibid.
Gregory’s Story __________________
Gregory had always been fascinated by technology. He loved computers and the access they granted him to the Internet. As a researcher for a top pharmaceutical company, he worked long hours staring into computer screens. By accident, he discovered pornography and found that he liked having brief diversions throughout the day. He rationalized that he was able to concentrate better after he indulged in what he called a bit of “recreational Internet use.”
His world began coming apart when he was summoned to human resources and presented with a printout showing the number of hours he had been looking at pornography over the previous four months. He was astounded to learn that he was averaging more than five hours a day on porn sites, and some days as much as seven hours—all of it on work time.
Gregory has been out of work for the past two months and hopes to be able to get back into research with another company. Now, his days are spent searching the Internet for a job. To break up the boredom of that task, he occasionally seeks out pornography sites. He says that porn is not really a problem and that he can quit it if he wants. Gregory was appalled when his wife found his pornography stash on their computer and suggested that he may be addicted. He is sure that he is not an addict and has promised to stop.
Many, many people like Gregory believe that pornography is not harmful. They maintain this belief in spite of losing jobs, relationships, and self-respect. When evidence of their out-of-control behavior is presented to them they excuse it as a temporary problem.
According to Porn Hub, in 2015, 4,392,486,580 hours of pornography were viewed on the Internet. Pornography was streamed at a rate of seventy-five gigabytes
