Is It Love or Is It Addiction? (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2009).
35 www.sash.net.
36 www.acircleofjoy.com and www.hopeandfreedom.com.
QUESTIONS ABOUT SEX ADDICTION FROM PARTNERS
Why didn’t I see the signs before? How could his addiction remain hidden for so many years? Am I a fool or naive to not have seen it earlier?
The reason you did not see signs of addiction is likely because your husband was so skilled at deceiving you. Sex addicts become masters of deception in order to keep their addiction hidden. Many partners tell me (Milton) there were absolutely no signs of addiction in their husbands, and no way they could have known. Their husbands were tidy and careful, leaving no tracks that could lead to discovery. Then one day they got sloppy and the truth was out. In these marriages, there were no “signs” and no way to know. If your marriage falls into this category, don’t search for self-blame because there is no way you could have known.
And others can only see the signs with the benefit of hindsight after the sex addiction has been discovered. When the truth spills out, suddenly past behaviors and situations make sense.
Although each of us wishes we could have known and prevented the heartache and loss in the first place, all we can do is acknowledge, accept, and adapt to our new reality, going forward from where we now find ourselves.
Of course, some partners are faced with the evidence of addiction and ignore it. They see clear signs of acting out but choose not to connect the dots. This is often how denial and minimization work for partners, and it enables sex addicts to continue pursuing their addiction. However, most of the partners with whom we have worked were not in denial, being naive, or choosing not to see the addiction. They were truly deceived. In retrospect, many women see the signs of addiction and think they should have done something about it sooner. Their only error was in trusting someone that proved to be untrustworthy.
How could he have hidden the electronic tracks of his acting out so well?
Sex addicts use many techniques to hide their acting out. They erase their browsing history and erase their text messages. Many browsers offer a “private” setting that does not keep the history so that someone logging on after them will not see evidence of their Internet viewing. There are multiple smartphone apps that allow calls and texts to be sent without using the programs that are native to that phone. They may even erase these apps after use and then reinstall them later to continue clandestine conversations. Smartphones can be reset, defeating any installed blocking and tracking software. Often, sex addicts have another device that they keep secret. A hidden cell phone or a secret computer allows sex addicts to act out without using devices that a spouse may be monitoring. They may use apps like Snapchat that erases texts sent to sexual partners.
Is there anything I could have done to prevent him from being unfaithful to me?
There is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent him from being unfaithful to you. No matter what your husband may say, he did not become a sex addict because of some deficiency or behavior on your part. No matter who he married, he would have made the same choices because the addiction is rooted in him and his story.
Why would my husband want to have sex with others rather than me?
The primary reason he had sex with others is because he is a sex addict. But other things fuel the addiction, including the high an addict gets from the illicit chase, the fact that he can have sex without emotional intimacy, the short-lived ego stroke the acting out gives him.
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