of intelligence from those who appear to have low IQs to extremely intelligent persons who have earned multiple graduate degrees. Sex addiction does not discriminate with regard to intelligence.
Is there a relationship between wealth and sex addiction?
Sex addiction does not discriminate with regard to socioeconomic status. That being said, wealthy sex addicts often maintain the belief that, because they have incomes that set them apart from the majority of people, they are not like “ordinary people,” and that their wealth makes them somehow “superior.” This narcissism and grandiosity can drive the expectation that they should have whatever they want; whatever gives them pleasure. When this dynamic is extended to sex, the likelihood that someone will become caught up in sex addiction is increased.
What makes it so difficult for people with sex addiction to ask for help, even when they obviously need it?
Shame, guilt, embarrassment, denial, and minimization are the greatest hindrances to seeking help for both sex addicts and their partners. The shame is often so great that many people suffering from sex addiction will never seek help until they feel as though they have no choice. When people admit they have a problem and need help, they need to take responsibility for it and actually do something about it. This is extremely scary and emotionally painful, so it’s no surprise that most people avoid it for as long as they can. As more brave people step forward with the willingness to talk about their recovery and healing from sex addiction—both addicts and their partners—more of those who are suffering with this disorder will mobilize the courage to seek help.
What is the difference between guilt and shame?
Guilt is the emotional experience people have when they believe or recognize they have done something “wrong.” Feeling guilt because of poor decisions you have made and because of the trail of pain and destruction you created in your sex addiction is healthy.
Guilt is an important emotion to have in recovery because it is closely related to remorse. There are people who are incapable of feeling guilt because they suffer from antisocial personality disorder sometimes referred to as sociopathy. They lack the ability to feel remorse or to express empathy. Be grateful if you feel guilt for how you have harmed yourself and others.
Shame is more characterological. Shame results from feeling there is something wrong, not just with one’s actions, but with who one is as a person. It is the belief that one is somehow inherently defective. Whereas guilt produces remorse and regret, shame results in self-loathing. Put another way, guilt is an acknowledgment of having done something that is “bad.” Shame is a judgment that “I am a bad person.” Guilt is helpful to recovery. Shame undercuts recovery.
What is being done to educate the general public about sex addiction?
This book and the many other books written over the past few decades are part of the education process. Organizations like the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH)35 seek to bring awareness of the scope of sex addiction. Additionally, our websites36 contain a great deal of material about sex addiction, the trauma of partners of sex addicts, and treatment for both addicts and partners, as well as hope for the future.
How could I have participated in behaviors that are so contrary to my faith and values?
Sex addicts who have a strong personal faith fight with their conscience much of the time. After each acting-out episode, they are filled with regret, remorse, and self-loathing. They make deals with themselves that they will never do those behaviors again. They pray and make promises they intend to honor. But, much more often than not, they end up breaking those promises and return to engaging in the same and sometimes more extreme behaviors.
Engaging in behaviors that are inconsistent with your beliefs does not nullify your faith. If it were a matter of personal faith and/or personal strength or willpower, many people would simply stop all acting out permanently. However, faith, strength, and willpower have little to do with what happens once the addictive process begins and brain chemistry changes as people become progressively caught in the obsessive-compulsive grip of sexual acting out. The only thing that explains why people continue to engage in behaviors they desperately want to stop is that they are addicted.
A significant number of those I (Milton) work with are clergy from various faith perspectives. Without exception, each of these men are in great mental anguish knowing that their acting-out behaviors stand in opposition to everything they believe. In their desire to change, all of them increased their spiritual disciplines and prayer life. Still, they acted out—not because their faith was not strong enough, but because of their untreated sex addiction.
How does sex addiction affect a person’s self-esteem?
Sex addicts who are active in their addiction often have significant problems with their self-esteem. Outwardly, they may present a persona of confidence and superiority. They may look like they succeed in every other area of life.
Their self-esteem suffers because:
• They are participating in behaviors they loathe in others.
• They recognize (at least deep down) that their behavior is not only harming themselves but others.
• They realize their many attempts to stop have been unsuccessful.
• They must live in a shadow world to keep others from knowing about their behavior.
• They habitually lie to those who mean the most to them and must continue their duplicity in order to keep their behavior hidden.
If I become successful at not acting out, will I still always be a sex addict?
Sex addiction must be treated for life. As with other forms of addiction, we speak of sex addicts as “recovering” rather than being “recovered.” A person who is recovering recognizes the importance of remaining vigilant and continuing to practice taking care of oneself mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually throughout life in order to keep the addiction at bay. Those who believe they have recovered frequently become complacent and run the risk of returning to their problematic sexual behaviors.
There is an acknowledgment in the terms “sex addiction” and “sex addict” that this is a disorder to take seriously and needs thoughtful and ongoing recovery efforts. But, beyond the addict and his partner, such terms may stop being helpful and become pejorative. In some contexts, talking about behavior may be more useful. If a sex addict has the need to talk about the damage he has caused in his addiction, he can speak about his behaviors and how he has hurt others.
It needs to be stressed that a person always maintains a right to privacy. What and with whom one shares are strictly up to each individual. There is no obligation to tell the public, casual friends, or even close friends about one’s addiction. The exception to this is when a sex addict gets into a committed relationship. Partners have a right to know about the past, as well as current struggles of someone with whom they are considering entering a relationship.
31 www.sash.net.
32 P. J. Carnes, B. A. Green, L. J. Merlo, A. Polles, S. Carnes, and M. S. Gold, “PATHOS: A Brief Screening Application for Assessing Sexual Addiction,” Journal of Addiction Medicine 6, no. 1 (2012): 29–34, doi: 10.1097/ADM.0b013e3182251a28.
